Anxiety for me is pretty much a constant day to day battle, it's either there in full swing, swaying back and forth or it's lurking in the shadows.
I'm slowly coming to terms with my anxiety, that chances are it will always be a part of me but that's ok (we are kind of friends now), even though it's frustrating at times.
The levels of anxiety I regularly feel now are at such a lower key compared to the anxiety I felt a few years ago. I'm dealing with it a little better, learning how to work with it instead of working against it.
Just because we can't see someones illness though doesn't mean it isn't real and just because someone doesn't look ill that doesn't mean they aren't. Mental illnesses are pretty much invisible but they are very, very real. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
A few days ago I decided to ask a bunch of my friends both offline and online to describe me in 3 words, just to prove that we might seem ok on the outside but be far from it on the inside. Plus I thought it would make for an interesting blog post.
I asked a variety of friends from those who have known me for years and those who I've only met a few times, all aged between 7 and 50. These are the responses I received from them:
'considerate, caring and too soft', 'caring, reliable and loyal', 'bubbly, frail and bubbly', 'bubbly, kind and hard working', 'funny, joyful and playful', 'kind, honest and loyal', 'kind, warm and determined', 'compassionate, strong willed and dedicated', 'beautiful, funny and considerate', 'kind, loyal and friendly'.
Then I decided to ask a few of my online friends who I interact with on a regular basis. These are their responses:
'selfless, caring and strong', 'kind, strong and inspiring', ' thoughtful/considerate, strong and sweet', 'sweet, funny and brave', 'caring, strong and sensitive', 'loyal, caring and thoughtful'.
Massive thank you to everyone who helped me, it means alot (not that you'll be reading this)! All positive responses, maybe that'll be because I asked friends and not people I no longer speak to. If I asked them the responses might not of been so kind. Now I thought I'd explain how I'm feeling now because writing about what's bothering me inside my mind helps ease it and doesn't give my thoughts power over me.
My thoughts...I'm annoying to be around, people don't want to hang out with me, I must have done something wrong or be a shitty person. I'm too clingy. I worry too much. Anxiety is shit but I'm in control (kind of). What if I get seriously ill soon? I'm not doing this right, I don't understand. Will I ever understand? Will they ever understand?
I'm questioning life itself, what is the point in life? I don't want to die though. What are we meant to be aiming for? I can't get my head around one day we are here and the next day we could be gone.
We are all little ants in a very big dirt pile trying to figure out what to do next whilst fighting our own battles and getting through day to day life.
What if I never meet anyone and I end up alone with no family or friends? What if I can never share my life with someone else because I'm too afraid? I don't want someone else to complete me though, I want someone to stand by my side and support me, I want to be a team.
I'm writing this post in hopes that someone else can relate to it, or just one person thinks 'me too, I've felt like this'. If you have know you aren't alone, ever.
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