here we go again...a little (or large depending how you look at it) life update.

Sometimes 'real life' gets in the way of blogging and we just have to accept that, go with the flow and know that eventually we'll get back into the swing of things...hopefully!

I feel like I've been lacking in both motivation and energy (they are the same thing, right?) recently but I'm going to try to pick myself up, brush off the cobwebs and get the ball rolling. By ball I mean the ball of life, plus the ball of blogging.

Sitting down and writing about whatever I want to write about is certainly one of my favourite ways to spend my time. I was just about to say that you can type away and nobody will judge you or say mean things...but actually they could quite easily, thankfully I've never received anything nasty so we shall keep it that way lovely, lovely people. (If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all).

Sometimes I like to look back over old posts and reread what I was thinking about back then. Whether it be days ago, weeks ago, months ago or even years ago. It usually tends to make for an interesting read. I've watched myself grow a lot, change a lot and I can see myself shaping more into the kind of person I want to be.

Ok, now I'm rambling and actually haven't even got round to any kind of update. You know, other than stating that I've been lacking in motivation and energy. Maybe now would be the time to share my latest life updates (I say updates, there is only one main one, I'll throw another few in).

A blog post doesn't seem right without a photo, this one is pretty fitting since we are almost in May!

So, what's new with me?

I've got another job...yes, another one. I kind of feel funny telling people about it because I'm thinking they'll judge me since I didn't stay at my last one. But I'm going to give it a go and fingers crossed all will work out well. I'm really looking forward to it since it is office based and that was what I had originally wanted to do when I left school so everything crossed it all works out well.

I think I'm falling in love...I've found a new love...oh no, not a boy...oh no... my new love is for Seventeen gel colour nail varnish, watch this space! I'm planning a post about that now, it'll be a 'review'...yeah, still feel a little awkward calling it a review, I have no idea even why. I'm weird, what else can I say?

Ok, pretty sure that is all the updates for now, told you there wouldn't be many.

Now it's time for me to go and just flop on the sofa, I've eaten a little far too much food, I'm feeling stuffed and look like I've got a food baby.

What's new with you? Tell me, tell me, tell me...we're all friends around here! :)

anxiety, a love/hate relationship?

I keep sitting down to write this post and then something else comes up but today I've decided to sit down and not move until I've said what I've got to say. My feelings towards anxiety, my anxiety is a serious mixture of love and hate. I love it in many ways but I hate it with a passion in others too.

Originally I was going to create two posts covering the love and the hate but I've opted for just one post. Since I can't actually decide which way round I'm going to talk about them, I'll start of with the negatives and end on the positives. Bad stuff first then hopefully the good stuff will make us forget about the badness.

Anxiety, I hate you for stealing my late teens/early twenties. The time I should of probably been discovering myself and not been robbed by you, in a little way though I do still feel like I've found myself so that isn't totally bad I guess. I hate how you are always in the back of my mind and can creep in at any minute, any second, I really wish you wouldn't. I hate how you make people tell me it is all in my head, as if I'm not already aware. I hate how you make people say stuff like 'oh but you don't look ill', 'there is nothing wrong with you'. Believe you me, my mind and body inside beg to differ. I hate how you've made me more sensitive to situations. I hate how you've made me more cautious when it comes to doing different things. I hate how people can't understand you unless they experience you first hand.

Anxiety, I love you. I wouldn't say it is a full on love, love. I'd be quite happy if you left my life, that would be lovely so I don't want you getting the wrong impression and thinking you're welcome around here. You really aren't, I'm just putting up with you to make things a little easier. Anxiety I love how you've made me open my eyes to the world and be more understanding to others. I love how you've brought me together with so many incredible people. I love how you've made me a stronger person than I was before. I love how you've made me learn how to live in the moment, day by day. I love how you've made me start to realize the true meaning of life. I love how you are behaving even more now, you are well and truly on your best behaviour...keep it up!


Anxiety can be a royal pain the bum but you know what, it has shaped me into the person I am today and I wouldn't change any of it (ok, tell a lie...maybe I'd change a few little bits here and there). My journey has got me where I am today and I know there is even more to come in this journey. A journey I enjoy documenting.

I saw Olly Murs live...

I'm going to start of by sounding really old here but where on earth do the weeks go? It is crazy to think I saw Olly, one whole week ago. That week has flown by crazily fast, weeks slow down will ya! Time moving so fast makes me just want to live in the moment even more every day, live for the day. You never know what is around the corner.

The days before the concert I'd had the idea of a blog post floating around in my head to share my tips on how I cope, the post ended up turning into how I coped really. I know concerts aren't exactly an every day event but they are super fun to go to and be a part of.  So I ended up sharing my tips after the concert but better late than never, it's up now and it can hopefully help someone. Want a quick link to it? Sure thing, click here. 

I'm an absolute sucker for a photo filled blog post so let's start like we mean to go on shall we? This my 'ARRGGGHHHH, I SAW OLLY MURS LIVE, GOT A TSHIRT AND KEPT THE STREAMER THAT I CAUGHT FROM THE SHOW FACE'.

I'll explain the story behind going to see Olly. Surely it is as simple as I like him, I like his music, I like him as an artist and the person he comes across as. Well yes it is I suppose in a way. I originally bought tickets for my mum for her 60th birthday (yeah, my mum is cool and loving Olly). Absolutely gutted that my mum had actually already seen him live and loved it. I remember blogging about it actually, she went with my dad and I spent the night at home pretty gutted about it. This time round my dad didn't want to go because in his words, 'there is too many screaming girls and kids'. Well when you are one of the screamers you can't really hear the rest of them so much.

So the plan was it would be the two of us going. My mum wouldn't let me drive, yes I'm 23 and still need my mums approval. So she wanted us to get the train, I'm not a fan of trains. Plus it wouldn't just be a train ride it would be a train then a tram. Ooh, too much for one day in my eyes. A few friends had offered to take us in their cars if not. I was all up for that but then I really wanted my friend to come with us, she obviously didn't have tickets but on our local radio station there was to be a competition. A competition called Olly-oke, the clue is in the name...yes it involved singing. Can I sing? along to the radio of course, in the shower yes. Live on the radio, it seems not so much. A song was played, I had to continue singing when the song stopped. Alot harder than it sounds, completely lost the words...I managed to forget an Olly Murs song, top fan points? haha! 5 people entered the competition too, we was entered into a draw to win 2 tickets to see Olly. Long story short, I bloomin won them and since I was the one who sang I got the better tickets of them all, woohoo!

I took my older camera, the quality wasn't very good at all. I ended up using my phone so the quality isn't as good but just to show how close we were to the stage. There was two stages, this was the main stage...

Another stage to our right, we was literally bang in the middle of the two almost. So far through the show a bridge came down and Olly changed stages...

When I've previously been to concerts I've taken alot of photos and videos, have I looked back at them? Only a few. So instead of viewing the concert through my screen I lived in the moment and experienced it with my own two eyes, I absolutely loved it! The photo below was taken over the weekend after the show on the Wednesday. I was still so happy about it! My face was like this for a long time, especially after I won the tickets to see Olly. Genuinely keep smiling like this now!

Ok, on to the concert? Oh my goodness, see what I did there? ;)

I'd go as far as to say that it was without a doubt the best concert I've ever been to so far. I was anxious on the day, you'd think I was performing...it wasn't have no fear about that. I tried my best to do everything I could to feel better so I took myself on an hour long walk during the day to get lots of fresh air to my head, I had a nice soak in the bath and painted my nails. I did everything I could to make sure I wasn't rushing around. Plus in my bag I took lots of ginger biscuits (I always have a packet in my bag for sickness feelings...yuck) and some mints too, both of them always tend to help. Safety behavior? Maybe so, but atleast I'm going out and doing things now.

Car journey went really well, we went in my friends car since now her and her daughter were coming with us (they had our original tickets). Ginger biscuits were slowly nibbled on, all was good! Arrived at the arena a little bit later than planned, we got into the arena and did the usual pre show stuff. You know have a wee, get a drink, buy some merchandise and then make your way to your seat. By the time we got to our seat, Ella Eyre (she was the support act) sung one more song then went. Fast forward maybe twenty, thirty minutes...

Olly Murs put on an absolutely incredible show. I'm extremely impressed. The next night I wanted to go again and relive it all, it was just so good. He is an absolute entertainer and an all round cheeky chappy. Half way through the show I was debating whether I'd still have a voice left in the morning, I was singing along to every single song so loud. The night was the best night I've had in a very long time. It was spent being entertained, singing, dancing, clapping, swaying and taking it all in.

One thing I don't like at the beginning of a concert is when you first get there and the sound affects your whole body as such. Do you know what I mean? When it vibrates your chest and just feels so strong.

I'm thinking maybe now I better put an end to this post because man, I'm waffling on!

One more thing before you go? Just for the LOLs, I decided to recreate the look on the tshirt. I still keep giggling at it, yes I'm really that weird but hey, who wants to be normal? NOT ME!

All in all it is safe to say my time at the Olly Murs concert is an experience I certainly won't be forgetting in a hurry. Another tour Olly? I'm there!

Have you been to any concerts recently?

I'd love to hear about it, let's be friends and tell me more!

♥

Attending a concert? anxiety + concerts, my top tips!

This week I went to a concert...Olly Murs's, Never Been Better Tour. I had a mixture of emotions on the day, I was super excited but super nervous too. Anxiety levels were pretty high but I think that was also a mix of mother nature on her way, too much info? Nooo, it's a natural thing.

I used to shy away from events but I didn't really feel any better for it, I was just feeding anxiety. Feeding it only made it grow bigger and stronger. But over the past years now I've managed to get a better understanding of anxiety as a whole, get it under control and I'm able to get an even balance, a healthy balance of anxiety. I prefer concerts outdoors more than I do indoor concerts but in this weather I'm all up for an indoor concert. So this time round it was time for me to try and attend a indoor concert. Last time I went to this arena was in 2010 (I think) so 5 years ago now, anxiety was at its early unknown stage then. In all honesty the build up, concert and way home was an absolute blur. A few days before and the day of the concert I had been making a list in my head of what I'd do to manage this concert and I'm now going to share them with you, hopefully it will help atleast one person...if it does, then well that's a job well done!

Relax, take it easy and prepare...
I know for one if I'm running late and start rushing around I get in a flap and panic, that is not cool and that isn't what you want on the night of a concert. So I'd definitely recommend taking it easy and prepare yourself, maybe the night before or even the morning of. When I say prepare I mean like pick out your outfit ready (I admittedly sometimes do this and still change my mind but atleast it gives you a rough idea), get your bag ready that you're taking with you, make sure your camera is fully charged and has a SD card in it (nothing more gutting than going to take a photo then realizing you have no memory), make sure your phone is fully charged too and make sure you know what is happening on the night. Structure and planning is key to little stress and anxiety. I did also take a few of my little bits and bobs that I have in my handbag every day but I'm considering doing a different post on that so I'll not explain that now.

Breathe...
Sounds obvious? We are always breathing, that's how we are still alive but I mean focus on your breathing. If you feel yourself starting to panic just breathe, focus on your breathing. Ok, that was pretty simple...just breathe. Inhale and exhale, really focus on correcting your breathing.

Stay in the moment...
When panic kicks in what is your automatic response? run? run for the nearest exit? yes, I've been there. Luckily now I've managed to train my brain to not run for the nearest exit, I managed to train myself before that every time I felt a slight hint of panic or anxiety that I had to go home but now I've managed to alter that and I stay in the moment. I know it is easier said than done but honestly stay in the moment, look around you, focus on the little things.

Accept the feelings, don't run from them...
Tell yourself it is ok to feel anxious, you might even mix the feeling of anxiety with the feeling of excitement but whatever you feel know that it is ok to feel that way. Allowing the feelings to be there gives it less power and it will gradually ease off and you'll forget about them.

Focus...
If you can feel your mind running away with itself then try to focus on something else. Pay attention to how many screens there is, try to guess where the act will appear from, make small talk with whoever you're sat with and focus on that conversation. Have a little drink, focus on that drink. Have something to eat, focus on the taste, the texture, the smell.

♥

you have a mental health problem? don't tell anyone...i'm kidding! speak up, be brave and be heard! beat that stigma!

This post idea has been swimming around my head for a while now, but after hearing a story the other week I felt even more pushed to write it. Someone I know has recently been having difficulties mental health wise, she's currently out of work and has been receiving help from support mental health people (I'm sure that isn't there technical title but we'll roll with it) who have been visiting her at her house to help reassure her, help her, give her advice and guidance. The people who have been going to see her have been supporting her with day to day things, for example going to the job centre. I've heard that signing on to job seekers allowance is an absolute nightmare. One of the support people (do we call them people or workers? I don't know), you know the ones whos job it is to support people who are experiencing difficulties with their mental health told her to not tell the job centre about her current situation, her current state of health. I mean really?! I for one was shocked that they told her not to tell them about it. I mean there is no wonder there is such a stigma surrounding the subject, hiding it only makes the stigma bigger and bigger. We shouldn't have to be silenced!

Work is a huge part of life, but so is our health. I know not everyone is comfortable with saying 'you know what, I'm struggling.' 'I suffer from Anxiety'. 'I suffer from Panic Attacks'. 'I suffer from Depression'. 'I suffer from Bipolar'. 'I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder'. 'I suffer from Schizophrenia'. I've found my life and my health improve so much more by just being honest, not hiding from what's wrong/what's currently happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, not everyone is supportive. I've received remarks like 'what do you have to worry about?', 'what do you have to panic about?'. I've heard remarks many times like 'well what does she have to be depressed about?'. It isn't as simple as that, mental health is complex. It can be an absolute nightmare!

We live in a world now, where mental health is stigmatized (is that a word? I hope so) so much it is ridiculous. We shouldn't live in a world like this. You wouldn't hide away and be ashamed if you'd broken a bone or if you'd got flu, or any kind of illness that you can see would you? So why should we have to be ashamed and hide away if we have a mental illness? The answer to that is we shouldn't.

The truth is people don't want to know or understand unless it is affecting them. So is it the fact of they are ignorant? Or completely unaware of what is happening to others and could quite easily happen to them. We all have mental health, every single one of us and sometimes it gets poorly too. Unfortunately though it lasts alot longer than a stomach bug. Your mind is always there, it isn't going anywhere.

If you'd got a headache would you keep that to yourself? Period pains? Ear ache? Tooth ache? Pulled muscle? On the scale of things it is all health and it should all be talked about. Be open, speak up!

I've even gone as far as to add it into my personal statement on my CV, is that crazy? Maybe so, I'm scared about it. I'm scared of being judged but I'm also scared of lying. I don't want to live a lie. Anxiety affects my every day life, it's great (can you smell the sarcasm?). Some days I'm better than others, other days not so much. I'm not a robot, I'm not programmed a certain way, I'm human. I'm not invincible. I don't want to lie to people, I want people to understand me. I want to be able to get better, to improve my way of life. Will I improve that by being silenced? No, I don't think I will. I believe that regardless of me writing about mental health in my personal statement (it has affected me for around 7 years), there will still be a person with a heart behind the computer screen or opening the post with my CV and cover letter. I believe that someone out there will believe in me and just give me a chance.

♥

10 things I want to change...

Blogging is just like an online diary, so tonight I'm creating a list of 10 things I want to change. It is actually my 'homework' from the lovely Kayla (my online friend from Philadelphia, crazzzy!). She has asked me to create a list of everything I want to change in my life, then narrow it down to 10 but instead I'm just going to start with 10 now (I'll put pen to paper later Kayla). Kayla is an extremely positive girl, such an inspiration too. We have a lot in common and can really connect, I'm finding the time difference a little tricky. Waking up in the morning and going to reply to her message and then thinking 'poo, it's like 4am...don't message her now, you might wake her'. Since Kayla is helping me, I in return offered to help her. She wants to start a blog, I'm super excited to help her start blogging again. She previously blogged and has a youtube channel too but as annoying as it is, sometimes life happens and things change. Fingers crossed Kayla will be back on the social scene soon. When she gets her blog up and running I'll be asking her to get involved and maybe do a guest post for me. In the meantime, let's get cracking on with these 10 things. I'll try and keep them short and sweet otherwise this will get looooonnnnggggg.

1. No drinking fizzy pop.
This has to be the first since we came up with the idea of the list when I was feeling absolutely rubbish on Saturday night, thanks Kayla for being there by the way. Fizzy pop makes me feel soooo poorly and anxious, yet I still drink it...makes no sense to me.

2. Leave the past in the past.
No social media stalking ex boyfriends and old friends (hey, I'm human...don't make out like you don't do it). Focus on the now, need to focus on my own life and moving forward.

3. Exercise more.
I walk alot, but that doesn't really get my heart pumping so I'll be using our exercise bike to get my heart pumping more. Exercise is good for anxiety?

4. Stability? What even is that?
It's great that my days are never the same but I need some flippin stability and routine. I'd say blogging can give me that but then I freak cos the pressure.

5. Focus more on myself.
Well, that could come across as really selfish and rude but sometimes you've got to put yourself first. I can feel myself slipping back downhill and I don't want that so I'm going to focus on myself and build myself back up. I'm the main person in my recovery.

6. Spend a little less time on social media.
Social media can be great but it can also be the devil. I find myself automatically checking instagram and twitter in the morning like it's a daily paper, last thing at night it's the same. Whenever I'm bored during the day I'm back to refreshing my instagram feed. Too much of that isn't good.

7. Step out of my comfort zone.
I would say more but I hardly step out of it at all so we'll just opt for stepping out of it.

8. Manage my finances.
I'm not the best at this, hence why I want to change it. I don't have any savings so that will certainly be something I can start doing too, save them pennies. Save them pennies and they'll make pounds.

9. Get into work.
Work that I know the hours, work that I know I'll have plenty to do, work that doesn't involve my parents. I absolutely love them to bits but living with them and working with them is driving me crazy!

10. Gain a voice.
I'm very much a nodding dog sometimes, I don't like confrontation. When I say gain a voice, I don't mean be nasty, I just mean to stand up for myself.

♥

Ok, my homework list of 10 things is complete now Kayla. Now I'll be able to keep coming back and giving updates cos that's what blogs are for, right?! Speak to you soon and by soon I mean when you decide to reply! p.s. I know you're probably busy nannying, that made me sound rude...I didn't mean it rudely! X

- A

When Pretty Little Liars came onto our screens in the UK a couple of years ago I was so excited, it was such a good programme. I would easily go to say I was hooked, then for some reason the UK stopped showing it after 2 series...thanks for that UK TV.

Fast forward to January this year, I discovered Netflix have all the series up to date. Well, you can imagine my excitement. Every spare half an hour I had would be spent glued to the TV, only when I was home alone and not too late at night. I can't watch it when anyone else is in unless they are really quiet. If my mum is pottering about in the other room there is no chance of me watching it, it requires my full attention.

Now I'm all caught up until they upload a new episode, I thought I'd fill the Pretty Little Liars hole inside me with a Pretty Little Liars post. A little note before I go onto the post itself, if you don't watch Pretty Little Liars what are you playing at? It is fantastic, I bloomin' love it and it has got sooooo much better as the series have gone on.

I've decided to create a post sharing the things I've realized after watching a little bit too much of Pretty Little Liars...

- You knew exactly what this post was going to be about just by looking at the title.

- 'A' has a whole new meaning! It isn't no longer just a letter, it doesn't just start the alphabet or the alphabet song, no, no, no. Far from it!

- You start to question literally every single character in the entire episode. I'm not kidding you, at all.

- Black gloves? Did you just think of something you wear to keep your hands warm? If you answered no then you too have watched too much pretty little liars! (Really glad I'm not alone in this addiction). Black gloves mean an absolute mystery, plus totally creepy and scary.

- When you wake up in the middle of the night, close your eyes to go back to sleep again and you see the black hooded figure. A faceless black hoody wearing figure, who happens to also rock a pair of matching gloves with their hoody.

- You find yourself casually,  randomly singing the theme tune. 'better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave...'

- A red coat no longer reminds you of Santa, not at all. Red coat and black hooded figure are best friends...but who the hell are they?!

- When you catch something in the corner of your eye, automatically think it's red coat. No, it's just the postman. 

♥

My fellow Pretty Little Liars watchers out there, could you relate to any of these? Could you share your own? Let me know, I'd love to hear what you think!

p.s. if you don't watch Pretty Little Liars, give it a try...I don't think you'll regret it at all!