a massive achievement for me...

In life different things happen to different people. Things happen that form you into the person you are today. Sometimes it breaks you, sometimes it completely destroys you, sometimes it makes you hit rock bottom, sometimes it makes you stronger, sometimes it makes you re-evaluate what is important in life, what matters & what really doesn't.

 

Over the past two years I've seen a noticeable change & have experienced myself grow so much as a person. No two peoples lives are the same, not everybody experiences everything somebody else might. Not everyone will struggle with their mental health in their teens/early twenties. But some people will, I was one of those people. Over the past four years I've learnt how to deal with my anxiety & panic attacks. I haven't been bothered about relationships, going out getting drunk, finding a job to work every day of the week every hour given. I've been so wrapped up in my anxiety & panic attacks, they had a very tight grasp around me. Luckily now I've wiggled my way out of it's control, now I'm in control.

 

Looking back over the past four years I remember so much...attending doctors appointments completely unaware what was going off, struggling to stay in the waiting room of the doctors surgery, crying to myself just wanting to feel better, comparing my life to others, wishing I could just be normal & do normal things, wishing people would understand, attending therapy sessions, attempting to go out & it ending within minutes of arriving cos I just had to get home, walking into a shop & rushing back out the exit as soon as I could, not leaving the house without mints or soothers, walking back & forth to the nearest bus stop & not being able to get on the bus, getting into my parents shop & being hit by an unknown wave of fear & panic, not being able to go into town during the day, staying well & truly in my comfort zone (my house), thinking I'd never be able to get a job, fearing never being able to drive, fearing never being able to be independent.

But today I want to just share what I've managed to do over the past four years...that I didn't think I'd be able to do, things that I doubted I'd be able to do again...

Drive...I managed to do driving lessons, pass my theory test, pass my driving test & I'm still driving on my own now. Independent? Yes, yes I am.

Work...I started working for my parents which was a casual thing, just as and when, no pressure if I wasn't feeling up to it. I still remember at the beginning when I couldn't manage to work though, I couldn't even stay in the shop let alone work... the feelings of panic & fear were so strong. My mum would drive me home, sometimes I'd just get home & burst into tears...both out of sadness & frustration. But a little voice in the back of my head kept reminding me to try again, there is always time to try again. I guess really I just kept working at it & managed to do it. Now I've managed to help at a few other local shops, yet nobody has given me a contract. But...WAIT! Now I have a contract! It's official, I'm working for someone other than my parents!

This photo captures something that means so much to me. It's something so simple to some, but such a massive deal for me!

It makes me feel like part of a team, part of a unit, part of something...somewhere I can now belong & call my own little work place. Not only does it make me feel part of something, I'm also wearing it like a medal. A medal, proof that things can change, things do eventually work out, things really can happen. Don't ever give up on something, ever! The girl writing this & wearing her lanyard (totally called lanyard right?) is the same girl who at one point struggled to leave the house, remember that. You can do whatever you put your mind to, it just might take some time.

I'm not working in an office neither which I thought I'd be wanting to do, when I left school I just knew I liked computers. But now I have an absolute love for blogging, I feel like blogging has replaced my urge to work in an office on a computer. After working in my parents shop though I discovered that I enjoyed working with people..customers. There is so many interesting characters out there, I absolutely love it! I love chatting away to people too, so I mean what better kind of job for me than shop work. I don't think it's a secret neither that I love clothes so could there be a better job for me right now? I think not!

I can leave the house on my own, at one point I couldn't. I got to a point of not wanting to go out, getting to a point of having enough of going out & coming straight back home...I got to a point where I just gave up attempting to go out, becoming slightly housebound I'd say. I got to a point of automatically just saying no if I was asked out.

I can dog walk a lot further...I used to do the same route of dog walk to try & get back home as soon as I could. The odd times I'd feel so sick that I'd start to run so I could get home quicker. Now I don't do the same route, I can walk further, without having to worry about how long it would take me to get home...how quick I could get home, what route I would take.

I don't take mints & soothers out with me now...sounds slightly random but I genuinely couldn't do this. Mints and soothers were my safety behaviour, but not anymore. I don't check my bag or pockets to make sure I have any of them (yes I used to).

 

 

I'm going to leave it at that. Remember that you can always achieve what you put your mind to, yes it will take some time & an achievement is an achievement, no matter how big or small it is on the scale.

 

Have you achieved something recently?

Let me know, maybe?   :)  ♥