ok, so a) I'm scared & b) my brain wont switch off

Funnily enough I think my brain might switch off a little easier tonight, just knowing I'm starting this post. I near enough automatically feel a weight lift of my chest within seconds of my fingers hitting the keys.

I find it so difficult still to refer to myself as a blogger, even after almost 2 years. I don't feel like I have any routine or really fit in any category. I didn't start out blogging to become a massive blogger. I became a blogger to get out of my brain for a little while. That is exactly what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to get out of my head what is bothering me lately.

I don't have a clue if any of you will actually read this, I'm guessing a few of you will though & I thank you for that cos I know you'll be nothing but supportive & lovely, like always! I love that about blogging, we are all a little loving community.

So, what is bothering me? My brain wont switch off & it's leading to me being scared. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, two years ago I think it was now (time flies by so fast!) & a few years previous to that, my dad was diagnosed with cancer too. I remember vaguely dad being in hospital & me sitting at home thinking to myself, 'I must have cancer too'. The slightest part of my body feeling weird, 'yeah I must have cancer'. Now two years after my mum having breast cancer, she is now thankfully free of cancer. But what is going through my mind? 'Oh, what if I've got breast cancer?'. So now I feel the need to be constantly checking myself for any lumps, bumps & changes. But since I don't actually know if what I feel is normal for me, I get in a state, I worry. I then think it'll be a really good idea to go to the doctors. I've been once to be examined by my current doctor & I went before to my previous doctor. Both checked me, I'm fine & healthy. Is that a good enough answer for me? No, of course not. So I book another appointment. I get too scared & cancel it. That has happened twice now. Only because I check again & the symptom isn't there anymore. But now I've had a word with my doctor to see if I can be referred to someone. So I've been referred to have a scan, am I scared? Yes, I'm shitting myself! I'm really scared. What happens if there is something wrong with me?!

Well, if there is something wrong with me (minus my crazy anxiety of course) then I will not hide from the problem & hope it goes away. I will power on with a fighting spirit & beat whatever is thrown my way...oh & of course, I'll be blogging about it!

I might not have nothing to worry about, but try telling my brain that will you? That'll be great!

p.s. I've sat & wrote this post & I'm going to hit publish to prove that everyone struggles, you shouldn't have to struggle in silence, ever!

♥