what anxiety is like for me, a few years down the line...

Anxiety has been a noticeable part of my life for about 8 years now, there is no wonder it feels like it's never going to leave. I wanted to write about it again because it has improved but it is still there, lurking, ready to pounce.

Just over two years ago I wrote a post 'what anxiety is like for me...' and I now want to do an updated version to prove that things do get better. Admittedly I'm finding it very hard to believe anxiety will ever leave me but I'm managing it a lot better now and there is no quick fix. When you can't see something it's very hard to believe it's true but trust me, anxiety is very real and can be extremely exhausting, frightening, isolating, life controlling, frustrating, the list can go on. Don't ever let anyone tell you anxiety isn't real.


Anxiety for me used to be an awful lot of feeling sick, day in, day out. I'd wake up feeling sick, I'd go to bed feeling a little less sick. I'd feel sick if I ate, I'd feel sick if I didn't. The feeling just wouldn't go away, there must be something seriously wrong, surely? Test after test, no signs of anything physical. I could never quite pinpoint the moment when I started to feel like this for a few days in a row, it just all of a sudden became so normal that I never thought it would leave. But it did, I've now learnt that I actually only tend to start to feel sick when I'm hungry so I know once I've eaten something the levels of anxiety will ease. Just writing this post, I'm finding it hard to believe that I no longer feel that way. How do I feel now though? I still fear being ill, I fear becoming ill away from home. Any kind of illness that can make me be out of control I guess, that's what it all balls down to. Not being in control, panic attacks can make you feel incredibly out of control and vulnerable but trust me, you will gain control again. Just stay in the moment and stick with it, be friends not enemies.

I used to struggle to be out the house for even an hour at some points, I just couldn't do it. I'd get to one place and have to come home within 5 minutes of being there, it was just horrible. Some people have the opinion of 'just do it, just get over it'. Honestly it isn't always as simple as that. It is very frustrating. When you are in the hands of anxiety it is very isolating and very hard to master the things that were once easy day to day things. I'll tell you something though, once you've had the ability to do easy peasy, every day things taken away from you you seriously appreciate it so much more when you become able again. I'll never take simple, little, day to day life things for granted again.


So, what is anxiety like for me today?  It's a lot better, it is still there whether it's the worrying thoughts in my head that I've got some serious illness or disease (a slight headache doesn't mean you have a brain tumour Anna). Or whether it's the negative little voice in my head saying I'll never be able to share my life with someone. Or if it's the little voice doubting me. The little voice is there quite a lot. Anxiety is still there. Just because someone seems okay on the outside, the inside might be screaming a completely different story but that's okay. If you are feeling anxious, that's okay. If you are feeling panicky, that's okay. Whatever you are feeling know it is okay. Things will get easier, take each day one day at a time.