The night was fun filled with the local radio station presenting all night, prizes to be won, food and drinks to be consumed, rides to be enjoyed and fireworks to be admired.
But of course any kind of event with anxiety isn't going to be an easy one. I thought I'd share with you the outside world version of the night and the inside my body/mind version of the night.
Outside world version of the night...
I stood around waiting for the fireworks just like everyone else, I'd occasionally move around from where I was standing. To get there I drove myself and my mum traveled with her friends (well for half of the journey) so I had about half an hour waiting around because I said I'd stand near the local radio station big screen because then surely they'd find me ok? Oh noooo...they didn't. About half an hour of waiting, still looking completely normal, wrapped up warm ready for 'the big bang' firework display, casually checking my phone every now and then. I stood around, chatted to a few people there I knew, some people I didn't know...I'll happily chat with anyone, it can be a great distraction. To them I bet they couldn't tell what was happening inside my mind and the feelings I was experiencing inside my body. To them I probably just looked like any other person there enjoying the event. Taking photos with one of the funniest, nicest guys you'll meet (he is one of the radio presenters who was presenting the night)...talk about little and large!
The inside my body/mind version of the night...
I'd felt so sick for the majority of the day, it was clearly one of those days. I was sat eating my tea getting frustrated with myself because why do I have to feel so sick?! Why can't it just pack its bags and run away into the sunset? It was one of those days that I knew eating wouldn't make this sick feeling go away so why was I even bothering? Feeling sick is my main anxiety physical feeling and it's an absolute pain the bum! It can sometimes feel so strong that I'll eat ginger biscuit after ginger biscuit just to make it disappear, it usually is a pretty quick fix. Mints also help me too, I've learnt from previous experience if I'm actually going to throw up then I can't have any form of food in my mouth, so if I can have a mint in my mouth ok I know I'm not going to throw up. Packet of mints in my car and in my pocket and off we go.
I drove my mum to meet her friends who then drove the rest of the way, they parked in a car park about 10 minutes away to avoid all the traffic but I played it safe like I do for football, I parked in the closest car park. I remember getting out of the car and still feeling really sick and on edge, I walked behind one of the fairground rides to get to the radio station/big screen area and the flashing lights made me feel even worse, I walked as fast as I could to make sure I got away from the lights as fast as I could.
Lights avoided, time to stand around and wait for my mum and her friends. I stood around, looked at my phone, ate some more mints, chatted a little but during all this my insides felt funny. I felt so sick. What if I throw up? What if I shit myself? What if I really need to go to the loo? What if I really need to get home fast? You bet, what if's kicked in!
Despite all the anxiety I made it to the very end of the very beautiful firework display, the Keepmoat you did good!
I'm really hopeful that you've made it to the end of this post because I want to share with you an important message. Just because someone looks ok on the outside doesn't mean they are ok on the inside. It's ok to talk about our feelings.
Photos capture one moment, they don't show you the feelings that the person is experiencing.
Yes, anxiety came along for the ride this night but I did also enjoy myself and the McDonalds afterwards too.
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