Anxiety lately...

Anxiety, you are weird. Sometimes in a little way, sometimes in a rather large way depending on what kind of day it is? I honestly don't know. Either way you are downright strange. I understand you are there to protect us, to make us aware of danger but sometimes there really is no need for you.

I'm being serious, sometimes you just aren't welcome.

I'm talking about when you are with me during my working day or when you're with me when I'm at home chilling. I'm talking about the other week when I was driving to work, feeling like a failure and I just burst into tears and turned back around. (I did later make it back into work and continued fairly normal). I'm talking about when you feel the need to make me worry about every physical sensation, the digestive system, every normal bodily function isn't a threat. So let's not treat it like one and we will get on just fine.

One minute I think I'm understanding you and the next thing you're making me question if I actually do really know you at all. I thought we was working as a team and were pretty understanding. We were getting along just fine until lately.

You're making me fear things that don't need to be feared, you know going to work isn't exactly scarily dangerous. I work with wonderful people who try their best to understand my mental illness but it's proving a little tricky to explain when I don't even know why you are like it myself some days.

Anxiety, lately you are a mystery.

One day I can manage things fine and then bam, not so fine anymore. A few times recently I've managed to get to work and then bam, something happens/hits me and I'm rushing home as fast as possibly can.

Anxiety, what is your problem?

You're making downtime a struggle, I'm talking about going to football. I've been going for over a year now but every now and then you like to make it difficult, why? I sit there so on edge, so uneasy, running through my mind 'do I really need to go to the loo now?', 'am I going to become ill and not manage to make it home?' 'what if we get stuck in traffic?' 'what if we break down on the way home and it takes someone hours to come and save us?' 'what if I'm ill in that time?' 'what if I throw up here?' 'what if I really need to go to the loo and there is a massive que?' 'what if I become seriously ill here?'.

Anxiety, you really are weird. But you know what, it's ok to feel anxious. It's ok to cry. It's ok to break down. It's ok to not be ok.

Of course, it is also absolutely ok to cry and share your troubles with someone who can't answer you back...

Hope you've all had a good day, if you haven't that's ok. Try again for a better day tomorrow.

Anxiety and Invisalign

I'm surprised that it has taken me this long to finally sit and write this post. I've just been waiting for the right time and I feel like now is a pretty good time. A pretty good time to just write out how I'm feeling. Now being the time when I'm struggling a little with the two. Anxiety is tough, add in Invisalign and you've got yourself a battle.

My main physical symptom with anxiety is nausea, I just feel sick, the urge to throw up but yet I never do. It's so weird, frustrating and frightening too. One of the things that eases my anxiety is eating, little and often but that is seriously hard when you have Invisalign.

Imagine having to brush your teeth after every time you eat or drink anything that isn't water, it's a pain and I'm not going to lie I'm getting lazy when it comes to this, I'm only human after all. I have to keep reminding myself this because otherwise I'll just end up beating myself up more about it. Sometimes I'll go for long periods of time without food because just the thought of having to take my aligners out doesn't seem appealing. I'm trying to keep my aligners in my mouth for as long as humanly possible because I want nice teeth. How will achieve these nice teeth? Invisalign, that is how.

Tomorrow, I have my dentist appointment to remove my attachments and technically end my treatment but I've got a few teeny gaps that I want a little closer. But at the same time I'm dreading having hands in my mouth when I feel anxious. Right now it's an ongoing battle. I knew braces of any kind would take time and I've come this far I'm not going to give up now (well so I keep telling myself anyway).



A little message to anyone who lives with anxiety and is considering Invisalign...
You can do it. Once you believe in yourself then you can put your mind to anything. Since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder I've achieved so much, Invisalign being one of them (well almost fully). You know deep down inside what you can achieve. If you feel you are capable of having Invisalign treatment then go for it. Don't let anxiety hold you back. If you don't feel comfortable with the first dentist then go to another, keep trying different dentists until you are comfortable. You will get there in the end and it will be so worth it.

My Invisalign Journey - 'The good, the bad and the downright ugly...'

Soooo my Invisalign journey is still going on and I thought since I'm coming towards the end I would share with you 'the good, the bad and the downright ugly...' in my own opinion.

Just throwing this out there now, everything written in this post is from my own experience and every single persons experience will be completely different. Don't let me scare you.

Carrying all your cleaning stuff you NEED a funky bag!

Let's start off on the happy side of this journey...


THE GOOD

Improved smile, pretty obvious and no explanation needed.

They are hardly noticeable, unless you point them out to people chances are they won't be able to tell.

Less time spent in the dentist's chair, this for me is probably my favourite (maybe second favourite) thing about Invisalign. Not because I don't like my dentist, he is fantastic but who likes spending time in the dentist's chair?

You're in control. Maybe this is more to do with the anxiety in me, who knows? But being in control is always a good feeling, right? You're in control over your braces, you care for them, you maintain them. It's all up to you.

Eating and drinking whatever you want. You are on to a winner with Invisalign if you don't want to be worrying if you can eat this or drink that. You can eat and drink anything and everything because you just whip your aligners out wherever you are. Be it at work, in a restaurant, in the car, in a shopping centre or even at a football match (yes, I've taken them out in all these locations). At first I was worried about people seeing me and thinking "what on earth is she doing?". But then as it became easier to remove the aligners I felt more comfortable and can remove them anywhere. Admittedly I have got to a point recently where I'm lacking effort to take them out to eat often because it is just such a faff sometimes.

Easy to remove, yes I did just say they are a faff (I mean the whole taking them out, brushing your teeth and putting them back in). I'm still sticking with that but they are pretty easy to remove once you've worked out a technique, it's just the rest of the process that's a pain in the bum!



Now time for the middle ground...

THE BAD

The price. I was in two minds about which category to put this one under, so yes it's in the bad but very low on the bad list but also squeezes its way into the good list too. Each persons treatment will cost different, it all depends on which treatment you require but when you look in the grand scheme of things and what Invisalign involves it's worth every penny! Admittedly yes, it leaves you feeling skint but it's certainly an accessory that won't be going out of style.

The taste of the aligners...plastic, YUCK! It tastes horrid at first but you do eventually get used it.



Ok, let's hit the final part of this list...

THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY

The horrid morning breathe. It's so unpleasant, some mornings it isn't as bad as others though so that's a silver lining in itself.

The amount of saliva that you seem to produce. When you take the aligners out there is only one word that springs to mind...EWWWW! It really isn't pretty but over time I've noticed I'm producing less saliva, whether it's because my mouth is more used to them. Who knows?



I think I've shared everything I have to share about 'the good, the bad and the downright ugly'. If you've had Invisalign or are going through with it now let me know what you'd add to your list.

bumps in the road

Would you believe me if I told you the two photos below were taken less than 24 hours apart? Ok, yes the right was also filtered too but I just want to get a point across. Just because someone posts happy, nice photos it doesn't always reflect their life. I can't quite believe it myself, the difference I felt inside was so bizarre. That's anxiety for you though I guess. 

I've decided to finally write this post, I've wanted to write it for a week now to share with you what happened last week and prove that bad days still happen for me but so do good. It's all part of living with anxiety I guess.

For the past couple of weeks now I've been struggling, more physically than mentally this time. It's been up and down, what feels like blip after blip, bad day after good day kind of time. But that's life right? It doesn't make it any less frustrating though.

I think the main thing playing it's part in this situation is that for over 4 years now (maybe even more actually) I've been drinking Coca Cola (full sugar kind and diet version too) an awful lot, probably more than I would like to admit some days. It just doesn't seem to stop me from feeling thirsty though, I could drink can after can (some days I would). I dread to think the affect it's had on my insides. Plus apparently it has been known to heighten anxiety, I think it's now having the opposite affect on me since I've stopped drinking it. I seemed better off drinking it for the most part. Weird I know. I've been into a health shop in town and the lady told me never to drink it again, I'm taking her word for it because it is clearly no good.

So just under two weeks ago I decided to stop drinking it, it was great when I was drinking it, but afterwards the slump that followed wasn't nice. I'd feel so sluggish and bloated too. What has followed since stopping drinking it is what I'm assuming are side effects, I'm still not 100% sure. Maybe it's something completely different and not related, but that's the only change I've made recently that could be affecting my body physically. Ahhh, or maybe it's mother nature she loves to mess with me.


Anxiety can make you need the loo or feel like you need the loo an awful lot, we call this nervous wees and poos (don't we Lauren?). But recently this toilet business has upped its game. I don't even think it's anxiety related what's happening (I've no idea, it's just so random and sudden but doesn't seem to stick around for long). I think it's more to the point of side effects from the high amounts of caffeine and sugar in my body, that are slowly leaving my body plus my mum keeps repeatedly telling me it's probably stress too. Ahh, stress you joyful emotion you. That and I'm not eating enough, typical mum concern?

Just before the two weeks of giving up drinking fizzy pop. Every time I drank a fizzy drink I'd be on the loo within minutes, it clearly doesn't want to stay in my body any longer than it needs to. TMI? Am I actually writing this post now? Yes, yes I am because it's affecting me, it could be playing a part in my anxiety levels and it could affect you one day too, or maybe it has before. If this has affected you before or is affecting you now please let me know, it's good to know I'm not alone and going loopy.

The fizzy pop having this affect on me has made me a little bit more (who am I kidding? a lot more) aware of my body. I'm starting to become a little frightened of my bodily functions which are completely normal, the bodily functions that is...not the way I'm reacting to them! It frustrates me because I want to know why I can't just act and think like the majority of people around me.

The second I begin to feel a little uneasy and unwell I can feel my heart racing, my breathing getting faster and I start to feel sick. The sick you feel when you're anxious, not the sick when you are actually going to throw up, thankfully I've learnt the difference between these two. This panic seems to last a heck of a lot longer if I'm away from home. Take last Wednesday for example...

I decided to bike to town instead of driving, the weather was pleasant so I thought it would make a nice change...what was to follow was not a nice change. The night before I'd decided to talk to myself and rationalize with my anxiety and the thoughts that were floating around, part of this talk was to not listen to every body sensation I felt, I don't always need to go to the loo. (I'd really put this into place at football on Tuesday night when I went to watch my local team, I didn't go to the loo once whilst I was there. My body and mind link together and tell each other that I need to go a lot, I really don't).

After the previous night being such a huge success in my eyes, I thought I'd be able to manage this the next day too. Boy was I wrong, whilst I was shopping my body definitely felt like it needed to go to the loo, like really needed to go. Luckily my parents have their own shop so I made my way back there as quick as I could. I don't exactly need to explain what happened next but it lead me into a horrible state of panic. I don't remember the last time I've panicked that bad. I had to ring a friend to come and see if he'd pick me up, luckily he did. All I did was cry and cry and cry some more, even in the car. I have absolutely no idea what caused this but it happened. I got home and just cried and panicked some more. Within a few hours it had all passed and I felt normal and human (as human as can be) again. I cried tears of frustration at how well I was doing, how I didn't understand, how fast things can change, how can they possible be so ok one minute and really not the next? I guess that's mental illness for you. I've now learnt even more it's ok to take each day one day at a time. Plus don't be so hard on yourself.

One of the (many) things that my friend said who picked me up was something along the lines of 'Anna, you are doing amazing, I don't like crowds so I avoid concerts. You face this every day'. You know what, he is so right! I'm facing this every day, I need to give myself more credit. Plus he also said it's ok to have bad days. I feel like there is so much pressure to be forever having good days but that's just not reality. I'm bubbly on the outside because that's just me but the inside is sometimes a completely different story.


What happened the next day after the awful panic attacks? I went to work and managed the whole day absolutely fine. I didn't even mention once at work what had happened the previous day and I don't think any of them knew a single thing. The only thing that is different with me at work at the minute is that I'm occasionally sat at my desk really focusing on my breathing.

Every now and then I think to myself why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't my brain just not over analyze everything? Why can't my brain just switch off for a day or two? But then I stop and think, everything that has happened or is happening to me now is making me into a stronger person. Plus, it's a little quirky too.

After all my waffle I'm debating whether this post is even worth sharing but I've made the effort and wrote it to prove that living with anxiety isn't plain sailing and it's ok to hit walls (not literally) but bumps in the road are normal and proof that you are trying. Keep going!

setbacks and improvements

Hmm, how to describe how I've been feeling lately? Meh, anxious, meh, panic, meh, self doubting, meh, disappointing, meh! But along with these feelings have come along a few more... amazement, achievement, hope, pride, bravery. When something is going wrong it's so easy to focus only on the negative side of things but if we search a little deeper there is always positive feelings hiding, dig a little deeper and you'll find them.

Over the past couple of months different elements have played a part in my anxiety levels increasing. Sometimes with anxiety there is no reasons, other times there could be a million and one (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean). These elements have made me doubt myself as a person, am I doing a good job? Made me doubt my own abilities, am I doing it right? Can I actually do this? Made me doubt my worth, is this what I deserve to be treated like? Not only have my thoughts been working overtime, they've made my physical symptoms go sky high too. Sometimes situations and people have an affect on us without us even realizing.

Even though my anxiety has gone up a few notches and I've been struggling to do certain things (football matches and shopping, I'm looking at you)! I've managed to see a lot of improvements in myself too. This week at work I had a panic attack (I've had a few over the last couple of weeks but they've been at home so I've coped a little better. Despite one I had today whilst out picking up a few bits from a shopping outlet). What is your instant reaction when you're having a panic attack? RUNNNN! Run away, escape the danger (imaginary danger most of the time), get home/to a safe place as fast as you possibly can and never return to the place again (or avoid it for aslong as possible). In my early anxiety days I would have done pretty much just that.

Anxiety days now, (I sometimes still run and avoid things but I'm only human, jeeezzz)! However I've accepted what anxiety is and that chances are it's part of me, it will be with me for the long run. I'll share with you now what happened when the panic attack happened at work... I paced a little bit deciding what to do, thoughts going into overdrive, 'I need to get out!', 'I need to leave!', 'I need to go home!'. So I left the building, sat in my car, turned on the aircon, listened to a little bit of One Direction, direct Instagram messaged/texted a few people (acknowledging helps) and calmed myself down. I had considered driving home but I knew it would make going to work the next day even harder. Now I know what is happening I'm able to calm myself down enough to manage them, I even try to understand it (sometimes there is nothing to actually understand). I tell myself what it is that is happening, focus on my breathing, let the feelings and thoughts come and go. Time is the biggest part in this, allow yourself time to relax and calm yourself down. I was actually sat in my car for just under an hour. What happened afterwards though? I made it back into the office and worked until it was home time, yessss! What is such a simple every day thing to some, was a huge victory to me. Leaving the house without wanting to go straight back inside used to be a huge victory, I'm improving without even realizing.

I understand that not everyone is as lucky to have such an incredible, supportive work force. I know how unbelievably lucky I am, I don't take it for granted. My advice to you is be honest about your health, some people just wont get it or even try to get it. But some people will try their hardest and see you for the person underneath the illness.

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...swimming around my head

Over the past couple of days my mind has been having some kind of never ending merry-go-round going on in there. I'm struggling to see the future in a positive light at the minute. But you know what, that is part of life. Sometimes life will be down and there will be no reason behind it. You know what you've got to do though...

Image found on Pinterest

I'm taking each day as it comes and reminding myself that each day is a new start, filled with wonderful little things that will put a smile on my face.

My main way of expressing myself is through writing. Hey, I'm not saying I'm good at it but it helps ease my thoughts and calms them down a little since I'm acknowledging them. Ignoring them doesn't seem to help matters, it just gets me more and more annoyed. So it's time to express myself.

At the minute my various thoughts that are swimming around in my head are...

"Am I a shitty person?". This is the one that is bothering me the most. Friends seem to come and go, randomly one minute we are fine and the next we aren't. That's life though, I guess. I'm hoping it's nothing to do with me as a person, I guess sometimes friendships just don't work out.

"Will I ever be able to go on holiday again?". I see people sharing their holiday photos and I just find myself thinking 'no, no, I can't do that...how do they do it?'. But then I remind myself at one point I struggled to leave the house, looking back over how far I've come gives me faith that one day I will be able to go on holiday again. A little break beside the sea would be lovely.

"Will I forever be alone?". That sounds really dramatic but hey, the thoughts are working overtime. I've not had a boyfriend for about 7 years now. I don't want to go on any kind of dating app, I just feel like people have so much choices for finding love, or finding a quick shag. What happens if I meet someone, they get bored and end up searching for someone else? Let's be honest, finding someone else in this world we live in right now wouldn't be hard. Internet connection and you're good to go.

"I'm quite happy being on my own, is that a bad thing?" Seeing people in relationships or looking for love makes me question myself. I'm quite happy with just being by myself. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me weird? Weird that I'm not settling down, with a house and a kid? I'm not exactly raving it up getting drunk on the weekends, sleeping with anything with a pulse. I'm just being me, doing what I enjoy and looking after myself.

*exhales*... Just writing all that out has lifted a weight of my chest. Now it's time to go and watch some Netflix...Scream and Pretty Little Liars, I'm coming for you!

Living with anxiety, incredible things can still happen...

Thursday 14th July 2016, just another day? Well kind of anyway.

On Thursday I pushed myself a little in the hopes of being able to meet Olly Murs...

I've never been the kind of person to try and meet celebrities. In my opinion they are just like you and me, with a little (ok a lot) more money and less privacy. I'm still not the kind of person to stalk celebrities or turn up at events for the chance to meet them. Infact if anything, I'd go to an event and be too scared to approach them and ask for a photo. 

As soon as I found out though that Olly was doing a radio tour and would be at a station just over half an hour away I just had to go. I mean come on, it would of just been rude not to. Within minutes of finding out I asked my boss if I could leave work early that day and thankfully she said yes. Hooraaayyy for the nice people in the world! 

The location of the radio station was in the exact same city where a few years ago I was meant to be attending my first ever blogger's meet up (it was a no go for me, it ended with me crying in my car in a side street). Oh, how things change and improve.

After being able to attend this radio tour, I got a big urge to write about it in hopes it will give someone hope. I mean we could all do with some hope, hope that things will get better. They will, trust me! These things just take time, there is no quick fix. Trust me, I'd been hoping for a quick fix for a long time. Eventually all the little steps and hard work pays off.

Maybe I should explain a little about a radio tour. This is my first ever one so I don't know, maybe each one varies? But here is my run down of what happened. We arrived at the location a little before Olly was meant to arrive, we arrived about half an hour before. Other people however had been there since lunch, his expected time was four. Once Olly had arrived he said a quick hello and told us he would catch us afterwards. About an hour and a half later, Olly reappeared (I'm sure times all vary for how long they are in the radio station for). Before Olly was due to come out to see us, his bouncer (I'm guessing, I don't know who he actually was) came out and told us to have our phones in our hands ready on selfie mode, give Olly the phone cos he's good at selfies, one photo per person and then step back. It was very well organised and it went very smoothly, I'm sure all radio tours don't go that well but for my first time I was very impressed. It would of been nice to have been able to have a little chat with Olly cos he is only human after all but there just wasn't time for that or time to have anything signed. 

Right then, maybe now I should explain a little about the process of attending this event, the anxiety I felt and how I managed to stay til I'd seen Olly. 

Waking up, I felt siiicccckkkk! Hello anxiety at a very early time in the morning, thank you for showing your presence, I know you're there. Instead of getting annoyed with my uneasy feeling I just accepted it for what it was and went about my day. Had breakfast, got washed, ready and went to work.

1pm, I finished work early so I could go and hopefully meet Olly. I'd seen on Twitter that some people had waited hours and not been able to meet him so I wasn't 100% sure if I'd get to meet him or not. I'd also seen comments about his security being really rude and mean. I was also starting to worry because I wasn't sure how many people would be there, what they would be like, what the whole situation would be like.  Moving forward anyway in hopes that I would get to see him and be completely fine too, me and my mum got ready and headed over to Lincs FM. Before travelling my body decided it absolutely needed to wee about a million times (ok, more like ten but it feels like a lot more). I've started calling this nervous weeing, apparently it is quite common with anxiety.

3.30pm (ish). We arrived at Lincs FM! Lincoln is filled with one way streets, you know making the journey soooo much easier (I'm kidding). I did a trial run the day before cos I knew I'd find it easier if I'd been before. Car parked up, out of the car... I wanted to get straight back in the bloomin car and go home. But instead I thought 'no, Anna you've got this! You can do this'. Self belief and a little bit of encouragement from yourself makes things so much easier. So I sat on a wall outside the station, filled my face with a mixture of Bach Rescue Remedy Lozenges (I highly recommend these)!, spearmint polos and ginger biscuits. Plus a bottle of water to wash the taste of the three away. Admittedly they aren't a great mix altogether so I ditched the polos and lozenges. Eating ginger biscuits helps me with feeling sick and unease, they help ease my nausea and my stomach. Some therapists class this as 'safety behaviour' but I would much rather eat a few biscuits, drink some water and be able to meet Olly Murs than not and be stuck at home. 

4pm (ish), Olly shimmies on into the studio! At this point anxiety levels had dropped and we managed to move over to the other fans waiting too.

5.30pm (ish) Olly reappeared. He took a photo with each and every single person stood waiting (well what I saw anyway, we left after our turn). 

6pm (ish) on our way home, getting lost on the way after taking a wrong turn. Really hungry, ready for home but one very happy girl.

I've learnt that you've got to push yourself if you want to achieve things and live life. But I've also learnt that sometimes it just isn't possible and that is absolutely fine. Me and my mum go to watch football and a few times now I've arrived and had to leave pretty much straight away and I remind myself that's ok. Sometimes I go and I'm fine within 20 minutes but before that I just can't settle and relax. Life with anxiety is weird but also wonderful too.