'the big bang' at the keepmoat stadium

A couple of weeks ago now I won tickets to go to a firework display, 'The Big Bang' held at the  Keepmoat Stadium (Doncaster Rover's football ground). Me and my mum had considered going to the event a few times in previous years as we are often at the Keepmoat watching Doncaster but I guess we just never got round to it.

The night was fun filled with the local radio station presenting all night, prizes to be won, food and drinks to be consumed, rides to be enjoyed and fireworks to be admired.

But of course any kind of event with anxiety isn't going to be an easy one. I thought I'd share with you the outside world version of the night and the inside my body/mind version of the night.


Outside world version of the night...
I stood around waiting for the fireworks just like everyone else, I'd occasionally move around from where I was standing. To get there I drove myself and my mum traveled with her friends (well for half of the journey) so I had about half an hour waiting around because I said I'd stand near the local radio station big screen because then surely they'd find me ok? Oh noooo...they didn't. About half an hour of waiting, still looking completely normal, wrapped up warm ready for 'the big bang' firework display, casually checking my phone every now and then. I stood around, chatted to a few people there I knew, some people I didn't know...I'll happily chat with anyone, it can be a great distraction. To them I bet they couldn't tell what was happening inside my mind and the feelings I was experiencing inside my body. To them I probably just looked like any other person there enjoying the event. Taking photos with one of the funniest, nicest guys you'll meet (he is one of the radio presenters who was presenting the night)...talk about little and large!

The inside my body/mind version of the night...
I'd felt so sick for the majority of the day, it was clearly one of those days. I was sat eating my tea getting frustrated with myself because why do I have to feel so sick?! Why can't it just pack its bags and run away into the sunset? It was one of those days that I knew eating wouldn't make this sick feeling go away so why was I even bothering? Feeling sick is my main anxiety physical feeling and it's an absolute pain the bum! It can sometimes feel so strong that I'll eat ginger biscuit after ginger biscuit just to make it disappear, it usually is a pretty quick fix. Mints also help me too, I've learnt from previous experience if I'm actually going to throw up then I can't have any form of food in my mouth, so if I can have a mint in my mouth ok I know I'm not going to throw up. Packet of mints in my car and in my pocket and off we go.

I drove my mum to meet her friends who then drove the rest of the way, they parked in a car park about 10 minutes away to avoid all the traffic but I played it safe like I do for football, I parked in the closest car park. I remember getting out of the car and still feeling really sick and on edge, I walked behind one of the fairground rides to get to the radio station/big screen area and the flashing lights made me feel even worse, I walked as fast as I could to make sure I got away from the lights as fast as I could.

Lights avoided, time to stand around and wait for my mum and her friends. I stood around, looked at my phone, ate some more mints, chatted a little but during all this my insides felt funny. I felt so sick. What if I throw up? What if I shit myself? What if I really need to go to the loo? What if I really need to get home fast? You bet, what if's kicked in!

Despite all the anxiety I made it to the very end of the very beautiful firework display, the Keepmoat you did good!

I'm really hopeful that you've made it to the end of this post because I want to share with you an important message. Just because someone looks ok on the outside doesn't mean they are ok on the inside. It's ok to talk about our feelings.

Photos capture one moment, they don't show you the feelings that the person is experiencing.

Yes, anxiety came along for the ride this night but I did also enjoy myself and the McDonalds afterwards too.

Goodbye Invisalign

It's time to say goodbye to Invisalign on here because the journey is over. Well I'm wearing the Invisalign retainers every night because I certainly do not want to undo all the hard work but that doesn't require an update every so often.

I had my attachments removed almost three weeks ago now and it just feels like yesterday. I slightly miss them but it's such a relief to have them off, to not have to remove my aligners every single time I want to eat or drink.

I'm not going to lie and say that I followed the rules completely because I didn't, every now and then I would drink through a straw instead of removing them. Or I'd have a polo without taking the aligners out (quick call the Invisalign police). I'm now debating whether I should be confessing to that just incase my dentist happens to read this...sorry Ihsan, I'm only human not perfect! :)

Despite not always following the rules I'm beyond impressed and pleased with the results...

In less than a year I've gone from ever so wonky teeth to so much more improved, straighter teeth. I started this treatment with the hopes of just lowering one tooth that was too high but once I'd got the attachments and aligners I soon realized that most of my teeth were wonky. I was just so obsessed with this one tooth.

So I've gone from hating my smile to absolutely loving it! Whenever I'm near a mirror now I end up randomly smiling like some kind of a looney tune (only when I'm alone that is).

Admittedly they aren't what some would class as 'perfect' but what is perfect? Absolutely nothing in life is perfect, everything has it's imperfections and I mean everything. The person you see online (who has the ideal life) will have their own bundle of imperfections/insecurities, I certainly have. Since posting pictures of my new smile I've had nothing but kind, lovely comments but I still pick myself apart. I'm guessing gradually I will become a little bit easier on myself but after years of picking out my little flaws it's going to take some time.

After years of having one tooth that stuck out I was worried that it had become part of me, part of my character, part of my identity and I'd miss it. Boy, was I wrong! I do not miss it at all! Admittedly I keep thinking it sticks out more than the others still but I think that's purely because I've been thinking it for years.


Teeth are weird things to look at on their own so I've decided to change the photo to black and white instead. Black and white effect makes everything look a little nicer right? I've considered whitening them but I'm slightly scared of having them whitened (plus that ruins the enamel on your teeth). I do not want to turn out like Ross Geller!

I mean seriously, look at those results! Invisalign is worth every single penny.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's easy peasy, it isn't. It's hard work, you need to have a lot of determination and be motivated (I wasn't always but I'm only human, not a robot). It's ok to slack a little bit sometimes during the treatment process (I'm sure you dentist wont approve of it) but if you do fall back it's ok, don't be so hard on yourself but make sure you get yourself back into things as soon as you can. My mum admitted to me a few months ago that she is surprised I managed to last the whole process. Well mum I did, I knew I was ready, in the right stage of my life, I knew I wanted straight teeth and that was going to take time and effort.

I'm so glad I stuck it out. There would be days where I just really couldn't be bothered with them anymore but to be honest I can feel like that about a lot of things every now and then so I just went with the flow. I knew my fed up days would soon be over and it would be worth it in the end, it really was.


If you haven't followed my Invisalign journey but would like to read all about it I'll leave the links to each post below.

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY, THE CONSULTATION...'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - THE IMPRESSIONS, PHOTOS AND XRAY'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - IT'S CLINCHECK TIME!'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - SO IT BECOMES REAL...'

'WHAT I'VE LEARNT SO FAR WITH INVISALIGN...'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - TIME FOR SOME EXTRA ALIGNERS'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY  - THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY...'

'ANXIETY AND INVISALIGN'


I've got to bring this post to an end at some point so I'll end it with a little message for my wonderful dentist, Ihsan at Bawtry Dental Clinic. If you live in the South Yorkshire/Nottinghamshire area and you want a new dentist or are considering Invisalign go visit Ihsan, you won't regret it. I'm struggling to put into words right now (I know, hard to believe?) what I want to say to you that I haven't already said Ihsan so I'll just end this post with a massive thank you, you've been incredible throughout this whole experience! Thank you for being the dentist to believe in me and make this possible. I'll see you in six months! :)

Anxiety lately...

Anxiety, you are weird. Sometimes in a little way, sometimes in a rather large way depending on what kind of day it is? I honestly don't know. Either way you are downright strange. I understand you are there to protect us, to make us aware of danger but sometimes there really is no need for you.

I'm being serious, sometimes you just aren't welcome.

I'm talking about when you are with me during my working day or when you're with me when I'm at home chilling. I'm talking about the other week when I was driving to work, feeling like a failure and I just burst into tears and turned back around. (I did later make it back into work and continued fairly normal). I'm talking about when you feel the need to make me worry about every physical sensation, the digestive system, every normal bodily function isn't a threat. So let's not treat it like one and we will get on just fine.

One minute I think I'm understanding you and the next thing you're making me question if I actually do really know you at all. I thought we was working as a team and were pretty understanding. We were getting along just fine until lately.

You're making me fear things that don't need to be feared, you know going to work isn't exactly scarily dangerous. I work with wonderful people who try their best to understand my mental illness but it's proving a little tricky to explain when I don't even know why you are like it myself some days.

Anxiety, lately you are a mystery.

One day I can manage things fine and then bam, not so fine anymore. A few times recently I've managed to get to work and then bam, something happens/hits me and I'm rushing home as fast as possibly can.

Anxiety, what is your problem?

You're making downtime a struggle, I'm talking about going to football. I've been going for over a year now but every now and then you like to make it difficult, why? I sit there so on edge, so uneasy, running through my mind 'do I really need to go to the loo now?', 'am I going to become ill and not manage to make it home?' 'what if we get stuck in traffic?' 'what if we break down on the way home and it takes someone hours to come and save us?' 'what if I'm ill in that time?' 'what if I throw up here?' 'what if I really need to go to the loo and there is a massive que?' 'what if I become seriously ill here?'.

Anxiety, you really are weird. But you know what, it's ok to feel anxious. It's ok to cry. It's ok to break down. It's ok to not be ok.

Of course, it is also absolutely ok to cry and share your troubles with someone who can't answer you back...

Hope you've all had a good day, if you haven't that's ok. Try again for a better day tomorrow.

Anxiety and Invisalign

I'm surprised that it has taken me this long to finally sit and write this post. I've just been waiting for the right time and I feel like now is a pretty good time. A pretty good time to just write out how I'm feeling. Now being the time when I'm struggling a little with the two. Anxiety is tough, add in Invisalign and you've got yourself a battle.

My main physical symptom with anxiety is nausea, I just feel sick, the urge to throw up but yet I never do. It's so weird, frustrating and frightening too. One of the things that eases my anxiety is eating, little and often but that is seriously hard when you have Invisalign.

Imagine having to brush your teeth after every time you eat or drink anything that isn't water, it's a pain and I'm not going to lie I'm getting lazy when it comes to this, I'm only human after all. I have to keep reminding myself this because otherwise I'll just end up beating myself up more about it. Sometimes I'll go for long periods of time without food because just the thought of having to take my aligners out doesn't seem appealing. I'm trying to keep my aligners in my mouth for as long as humanly possible because I want nice teeth. How will achieve these nice teeth? Invisalign, that is how.

Tomorrow, I have my dentist appointment to remove my attachments and technically end my treatment but I've got a few teeny gaps that I want a little closer. But at the same time I'm dreading having hands in my mouth when I feel anxious. Right now it's an ongoing battle. I knew braces of any kind would take time and I've come this far I'm not going to give up now (well so I keep telling myself anyway).



A little message to anyone who lives with anxiety and is considering Invisalign...
You can do it. Once you believe in yourself then you can put your mind to anything. Since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder I've achieved so much, Invisalign being one of them (well almost fully). You know deep down inside what you can achieve. If you feel you are capable of having Invisalign treatment then go for it. Don't let anxiety hold you back. If you don't feel comfortable with the first dentist then go to another, keep trying different dentists until you are comfortable. You will get there in the end and it will be so worth it.

My Invisalign Journey - 'The good, the bad and the downright ugly...'

Soooo my Invisalign journey is still going on and I thought since I'm coming towards the end I would share with you 'the good, the bad and the downright ugly...' in my own opinion.

Just throwing this out there now, everything written in this post is from my own experience and every single persons experience will be completely different. Don't let me scare you.

Carrying all your cleaning stuff you NEED a funky bag!

Let's start off on the happy side of this journey...


THE GOOD

Improved smile, pretty obvious and no explanation needed.

They are hardly noticeable, unless you point them out to people chances are they won't be able to tell.

Less time spent in the dentist's chair, this for me is probably my favourite (maybe second favourite) thing about Invisalign. Not because I don't like my dentist, he is fantastic but who likes spending time in the dentist's chair?

You're in control. Maybe this is more to do with the anxiety in me, who knows? But being in control is always a good feeling, right? You're in control over your braces, you care for them, you maintain them. It's all up to you.

Eating and drinking whatever you want. You are on to a winner with Invisalign if you don't want to be worrying if you can eat this or drink that. You can eat and drink anything and everything because you just whip your aligners out wherever you are. Be it at work, in a restaurant, in the car, in a shopping centre or even at a football match (yes, I've taken them out in all these locations). At first I was worried about people seeing me and thinking "what on earth is she doing?". But then as it became easier to remove the aligners I felt more comfortable and can remove them anywhere. Admittedly I have got to a point recently where I'm lacking effort to take them out to eat often because it is just such a faff sometimes.

Easy to remove, yes I did just say they are a faff (I mean the whole taking them out, brushing your teeth and putting them back in). I'm still sticking with that but they are pretty easy to remove once you've worked out a technique, it's just the rest of the process that's a pain in the bum!



Now time for the middle ground...

THE BAD

The price. I was in two minds about which category to put this one under, so yes it's in the bad but very low on the bad list but also squeezes its way into the good list too. Each persons treatment will cost different, it all depends on which treatment you require but when you look in the grand scheme of things and what Invisalign involves it's worth every penny! Admittedly yes, it leaves you feeling skint but it's certainly an accessory that won't be going out of style.

The taste of the aligners...plastic, YUCK! It tastes horrid at first but you do eventually get used it.



Ok, let's hit the final part of this list...

THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY

The horrid morning breathe. It's so unpleasant, some mornings it isn't as bad as others though so that's a silver lining in itself.

The amount of saliva that you seem to produce. When you take the aligners out there is only one word that springs to mind...EWWWW! It really isn't pretty but over time I've noticed I'm producing less saliva, whether it's because my mouth is more used to them. Who knows?



I think I've shared everything I have to share about 'the good, the bad and the downright ugly'. If you've had Invisalign or are going through with it now let me know what you'd add to your list.

bumps in the road

Would you believe me if I told you the two photos below were taken less than 24 hours apart? Ok, yes the right was also filtered too but I just want to get a point across. Just because someone posts happy, nice photos it doesn't always reflect their life. I can't quite believe it myself, the difference I felt inside was so bizarre. That's anxiety for you though I guess. 

I've decided to finally write this post, I've wanted to write it for a week now to share with you what happened last week and prove that bad days still happen for me but so do good. It's all part of living with anxiety I guess.

For the past couple of weeks now I've been struggling, more physically than mentally this time. It's been up and down, what feels like blip after blip, bad day after good day kind of time. But that's life right? It doesn't make it any less frustrating though.

I think the main thing playing it's part in this situation is that for over 4 years now (maybe even more actually) I've been drinking Coca Cola (full sugar kind and diet version too) an awful lot, probably more than I would like to admit some days. It just doesn't seem to stop me from feeling thirsty though, I could drink can after can (some days I would). I dread to think the affect it's had on my insides. Plus apparently it has been known to heighten anxiety, I think it's now having the opposite affect on me since I've stopped drinking it. I seemed better off drinking it for the most part. Weird I know. I've been into a health shop in town and the lady told me never to drink it again, I'm taking her word for it because it is clearly no good.

So just under two weeks ago I decided to stop drinking it, it was great when I was drinking it, but afterwards the slump that followed wasn't nice. I'd feel so sluggish and bloated too. What has followed since stopping drinking it is what I'm assuming are side effects, I'm still not 100% sure. Maybe it's something completely different and not related, but that's the only change I've made recently that could be affecting my body physically. Ahhh, or maybe it's mother nature she loves to mess with me.


Anxiety can make you need the loo or feel like you need the loo an awful lot, we call this nervous wees and poos (don't we Lauren?). But recently this toilet business has upped its game. I don't even think it's anxiety related what's happening (I've no idea, it's just so random and sudden but doesn't seem to stick around for long). I think it's more to the point of side effects from the high amounts of caffeine and sugar in my body, that are slowly leaving my body plus my mum keeps repeatedly telling me it's probably stress too. Ahh, stress you joyful emotion you. That and I'm not eating enough, typical mum concern?

Just before the two weeks of giving up drinking fizzy pop. Every time I drank a fizzy drink I'd be on the loo within minutes, it clearly doesn't want to stay in my body any longer than it needs to. TMI? Am I actually writing this post now? Yes, yes I am because it's affecting me, it could be playing a part in my anxiety levels and it could affect you one day too, or maybe it has before. If this has affected you before or is affecting you now please let me know, it's good to know I'm not alone and going loopy.

The fizzy pop having this affect on me has made me a little bit more (who am I kidding? a lot more) aware of my body. I'm starting to become a little frightened of my bodily functions which are completely normal, the bodily functions that is...not the way I'm reacting to them! It frustrates me because I want to know why I can't just act and think like the majority of people around me.

The second I begin to feel a little uneasy and unwell I can feel my heart racing, my breathing getting faster and I start to feel sick. The sick you feel when you're anxious, not the sick when you are actually going to throw up, thankfully I've learnt the difference between these two. This panic seems to last a heck of a lot longer if I'm away from home. Take last Wednesday for example...

I decided to bike to town instead of driving, the weather was pleasant so I thought it would make a nice change...what was to follow was not a nice change. The night before I'd decided to talk to myself and rationalize with my anxiety and the thoughts that were floating around, part of this talk was to not listen to every body sensation I felt, I don't always need to go to the loo. (I'd really put this into place at football on Tuesday night when I went to watch my local team, I didn't go to the loo once whilst I was there. My body and mind link together and tell each other that I need to go a lot, I really don't).

After the previous night being such a huge success in my eyes, I thought I'd be able to manage this the next day too. Boy was I wrong, whilst I was shopping my body definitely felt like it needed to go to the loo, like really needed to go. Luckily my parents have their own shop so I made my way back there as quick as I could. I don't exactly need to explain what happened next but it lead me into a horrible state of panic. I don't remember the last time I've panicked that bad. I had to ring a friend to come and see if he'd pick me up, luckily he did. All I did was cry and cry and cry some more, even in the car. I have absolutely no idea what caused this but it happened. I got home and just cried and panicked some more. Within a few hours it had all passed and I felt normal and human (as human as can be) again. I cried tears of frustration at how well I was doing, how I didn't understand, how fast things can change, how can they possible be so ok one minute and really not the next? I guess that's mental illness for you. I've now learnt even more it's ok to take each day one day at a time. Plus don't be so hard on yourself.

One of the (many) things that my friend said who picked me up was something along the lines of 'Anna, you are doing amazing, I don't like crowds so I avoid concerts. You face this every day'. You know what, he is so right! I'm facing this every day, I need to give myself more credit. Plus he also said it's ok to have bad days. I feel like there is so much pressure to be forever having good days but that's just not reality. I'm bubbly on the outside because that's just me but the inside is sometimes a completely different story.


What happened the next day after the awful panic attacks? I went to work and managed the whole day absolutely fine. I didn't even mention once at work what had happened the previous day and I don't think any of them knew a single thing. The only thing that is different with me at work at the minute is that I'm occasionally sat at my desk really focusing on my breathing.

Every now and then I think to myself why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't my brain just not over analyze everything? Why can't my brain just switch off for a day or two? But then I stop and think, everything that has happened or is happening to me now is making me into a stronger person. Plus, it's a little quirky too.

After all my waffle I'm debating whether this post is even worth sharing but I've made the effort and wrote it to prove that living with anxiety isn't plain sailing and it's ok to hit walls (not literally) but bumps in the road are normal and proof that you are trying. Keep going!

setbacks and improvements

Hmm, how to describe how I've been feeling lately? Meh, anxious, meh, panic, meh, self doubting, meh, disappointing, meh! But along with these feelings have come along a few more... amazement, achievement, hope, pride, bravery. When something is going wrong it's so easy to focus only on the negative side of things but if we search a little deeper there is always positive feelings hiding, dig a little deeper and you'll find them.

Over the past couple of months different elements have played a part in my anxiety levels increasing. Sometimes with anxiety there is no reasons, other times there could be a million and one (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean). These elements have made me doubt myself as a person, am I doing a good job? Made me doubt my own abilities, am I doing it right? Can I actually do this? Made me doubt my worth, is this what I deserve to be treated like? Not only have my thoughts been working overtime, they've made my physical symptoms go sky high too. Sometimes situations and people have an affect on us without us even realizing.

Even though my anxiety has gone up a few notches and I've been struggling to do certain things (football matches and shopping, I'm looking at you)! I've managed to see a lot of improvements in myself too. This week at work I had a panic attack (I've had a few over the last couple of weeks but they've been at home so I've coped a little better. Despite one I had today whilst out picking up a few bits from a shopping outlet). What is your instant reaction when you're having a panic attack? RUNNNN! Run away, escape the danger (imaginary danger most of the time), get home/to a safe place as fast as you possibly can and never return to the place again (or avoid it for aslong as possible). In my early anxiety days I would have done pretty much just that.

Anxiety days now, (I sometimes still run and avoid things but I'm only human, jeeezzz)! However I've accepted what anxiety is and that chances are it's part of me, it will be with me for the long run. I'll share with you now what happened when the panic attack happened at work... I paced a little bit deciding what to do, thoughts going into overdrive, 'I need to get out!', 'I need to leave!', 'I need to go home!'. So I left the building, sat in my car, turned on the aircon, listened to a little bit of One Direction, direct Instagram messaged/texted a few people (acknowledging helps) and calmed myself down. I had considered driving home but I knew it would make going to work the next day even harder. Now I know what is happening I'm able to calm myself down enough to manage them, I even try to understand it (sometimes there is nothing to actually understand). I tell myself what it is that is happening, focus on my breathing, let the feelings and thoughts come and go. Time is the biggest part in this, allow yourself time to relax and calm yourself down. I was actually sat in my car for just under an hour. What happened afterwards though? I made it back into the office and worked until it was home time, yessss! What is such a simple every day thing to some, was a huge victory to me. Leaving the house without wanting to go straight back inside used to be a huge victory, I'm improving without even realizing.

I understand that not everyone is as lucky to have such an incredible, supportive work force. I know how unbelievably lucky I am, I don't take it for granted. My advice to you is be honest about your health, some people just wont get it or even try to get it. But some people will try their hardest and see you for the person underneath the illness.