Living with anxiety, incredible things can still happen...

Thursday 14th July 2016, just another day? Well kind of anyway.

On Thursday I pushed myself a little in the hopes of being able to meet Olly Murs...

I've never been the kind of person to try and meet celebrities. In my opinion they are just like you and me, with a little (ok a lot) more money and less privacy. I'm still not the kind of person to stalk celebrities or turn up at events for the chance to meet them. Infact if anything, I'd go to an event and be too scared to approach them and ask for a photo. 

As soon as I found out though that Olly was doing a radio tour and would be at a station just over half an hour away I just had to go. I mean come on, it would of just been rude not to. Within minutes of finding out I asked my boss if I could leave work early that day and thankfully she said yes. Hooraaayyy for the nice people in the world! 

The location of the radio station was in the exact same city where a few years ago I was meant to be attending my first ever blogger's meet up (it was a no go for me, it ended with me crying in my car in a side street). Oh, how things change and improve.

After being able to attend this radio tour, I got a big urge to write about it in hopes it will give someone hope. I mean we could all do with some hope, hope that things will get better. They will, trust me! These things just take time, there is no quick fix. Trust me, I'd been hoping for a quick fix for a long time. Eventually all the little steps and hard work pays off.

Maybe I should explain a little about a radio tour. This is my first ever one so I don't know, maybe each one varies? But here is my run down of what happened. We arrived at the location a little before Olly was meant to arrive, we arrived about half an hour before. Other people however had been there since lunch, his expected time was four. Once Olly had arrived he said a quick hello and told us he would catch us afterwards. About an hour and a half later, Olly reappeared (I'm sure times all vary for how long they are in the radio station for). Before Olly was due to come out to see us, his bouncer (I'm guessing, I don't know who he actually was) came out and told us to have our phones in our hands ready on selfie mode, give Olly the phone cos he's good at selfies, one photo per person and then step back. It was very well organised and it went very smoothly, I'm sure all radio tours don't go that well but for my first time I was very impressed. It would of been nice to have been able to have a little chat with Olly cos he is only human after all but there just wasn't time for that or time to have anything signed. 

Right then, maybe now I should explain a little about the process of attending this event, the anxiety I felt and how I managed to stay til I'd seen Olly. 

Waking up, I felt siiicccckkkk! Hello anxiety at a very early time in the morning, thank you for showing your presence, I know you're there. Instead of getting annoyed with my uneasy feeling I just accepted it for what it was and went about my day. Had breakfast, got washed, ready and went to work.

1pm, I finished work early so I could go and hopefully meet Olly. I'd seen on Twitter that some people had waited hours and not been able to meet him so I wasn't 100% sure if I'd get to meet him or not. I'd also seen comments about his security being really rude and mean. I was also starting to worry because I wasn't sure how many people would be there, what they would be like, what the whole situation would be like.  Moving forward anyway in hopes that I would get to see him and be completely fine too, me and my mum got ready and headed over to Lincs FM. Before travelling my body decided it absolutely needed to wee about a million times (ok, more like ten but it feels like a lot more). I've started calling this nervous weeing, apparently it is quite common with anxiety.

3.30pm (ish). We arrived at Lincs FM! Lincoln is filled with one way streets, you know making the journey soooo much easier (I'm kidding). I did a trial run the day before cos I knew I'd find it easier if I'd been before. Car parked up, out of the car... I wanted to get straight back in the bloomin car and go home. But instead I thought 'no, Anna you've got this! You can do this'. Self belief and a little bit of encouragement from yourself makes things so much easier. So I sat on a wall outside the station, filled my face with a mixture of Bach Rescue Remedy Lozenges (I highly recommend these)!, spearmint polos and ginger biscuits. Plus a bottle of water to wash the taste of the three away. Admittedly they aren't a great mix altogether so I ditched the polos and lozenges. Eating ginger biscuits helps me with feeling sick and unease, they help ease my nausea and my stomach. Some therapists class this as 'safety behaviour' but I would much rather eat a few biscuits, drink some water and be able to meet Olly Murs than not and be stuck at home. 

4pm (ish), Olly shimmies on into the studio! At this point anxiety levels had dropped and we managed to move over to the other fans waiting too.

5.30pm (ish) Olly reappeared. He took a photo with each and every single person stood waiting (well what I saw anyway, we left after our turn). 

6pm (ish) on our way home, getting lost on the way after taking a wrong turn. Really hungry, ready for home but one very happy girl.

I've learnt that you've got to push yourself if you want to achieve things and live life. But I've also learnt that sometimes it just isn't possible and that is absolutely fine. Me and my mum go to watch football and a few times now I've arrived and had to leave pretty much straight away and I remind myself that's ok. Sometimes I go and I'm fine within 20 minutes but before that I just can't settle and relax. Life with anxiety is weird but also wonderful too. 

My Invisalign Journey - Time for some extra aligners

So far my journey with Invisalign has flown by, up until my last set of aligners. My attachments were set to come off on 7th June and that should of been the end of my treatment. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, I noticed a small gap inbetween two of my front teeth that hadn't closed over time. Yes, it was only a small gap but I've paid a lot of money to improve my smile so I'm going to get it sorted. So let's start the extended part of this experience.

What can you expect if you need extra trays you ask...you can expect some more impressions. By impressions I mean the rather large gum shield frying pan in your mouth stuffed with play-dough (it isn't really play-dough) producing the mould. It honestly isn't all that bad, it is obviously very uncomfortable and can make you panic/struggle to breathe but just relax (I know, easier said than done), it'll be over before you know it. Unless you end up needing about six attempts to get it right, I have no idea how it took so long this time around when my teeth are a hell of a lot straighter than before. Anyways, it's soon over and done with and then you'll be one step closer to your improved smile.

Once the impressions have been sent away, you'll receive some more aligners to amend any issues that you have with your teeth. Honestly if something is bugging you after your attachments and final aligner comes out don't be afraid to say something. I was a little unsure about mentioning the gap straight away even though for me it stuck out like a sore thumb. I knew I wanted to get it closed but there was no pressure to make a decision there and then, even though in my head I'd already made up my mind. I wanted extra trays, cos I just can't get enough (I'm kidding by the way)! I left it a couple of hours before calling up my dentist to say that I'd noticed a gap and I wanted it to be closed. Two days later I was back in the dentists chair with the lovely gum shield frying pan in my mouth. Impressions sent away, then the waiting began...two weeks felt like a month of waiting.

24th June, time to get some more aligners and new attachments. It still amazes me how they do the attachments because they are all different shapes and sizes. I'm pretty sure the dentist moulds them in to shape on your teeth, it's weird (see the photo for yourself). 

I have no idea why but this time round it hasn't been plain sailing, after the multiple impressions situation surely nothing else could go wrong? Of course it could, I got home later that night after getting my new sets of aligners and attachments fitted. I took my braces out ready to have my tea. Not one but two of my attachments pinged off my tooth and of course I had to take a few photos to share with you. Back again on Monday to have new ones attached.

One piece of advice I want to share with you, no matter how long the journey takes try your best not to get lazy. Over the past month I've gotten really lazy, I haven't been brushing my teeth after every meal, I've just been rinsing my mouth and putting the aligners back in. Don't do it, it makes plaque build up and your gums bleed. My dentist told me to up my game when it came to brushing because I had a build up of plaque, I obviously didn't admit to becoming lazy but it's not a problem because I'm going to get back on track and all will be good again.

Are you currently receiving Invisalign treatment? I love seeing peoples photos of their changing smiles, share yours with me? :) 

what anxiety is like for me, a few years down the line...

Anxiety has been a noticeable part of my life for about 8 years now, there is no wonder it feels like it's never going to leave. I wanted to write about it again because it has improved but it is still there, lurking, ready to pounce.

Just over two years ago I wrote a post 'what anxiety is like for me...' and I now want to do an updated version to prove that things do get better. Admittedly I'm finding it very hard to believe anxiety will ever leave me but I'm managing it a lot better now and there is no quick fix. When you can't see something it's very hard to believe it's true but trust me, anxiety is very real and can be extremely exhausting, frightening, isolating, life controlling, frustrating, the list can go on. Don't ever let anyone tell you anxiety isn't real.


Anxiety for me used to be an awful lot of feeling sick, day in, day out. I'd wake up feeling sick, I'd go to bed feeling a little less sick. I'd feel sick if I ate, I'd feel sick if I didn't. The feeling just wouldn't go away, there must be something seriously wrong, surely? Test after test, no signs of anything physical. I could never quite pinpoint the moment when I started to feel like this for a few days in a row, it just all of a sudden became so normal that I never thought it would leave. But it did, I've now learnt that I actually only tend to start to feel sick when I'm hungry so I know once I've eaten something the levels of anxiety will ease. Just writing this post, I'm finding it hard to believe that I no longer feel that way. How do I feel now though? I still fear being ill, I fear becoming ill away from home. Any kind of illness that can make me be out of control I guess, that's what it all balls down to. Not being in control, panic attacks can make you feel incredibly out of control and vulnerable but trust me, you will gain control again. Just stay in the moment and stick with it, be friends not enemies.

I used to struggle to be out the house for even an hour at some points, I just couldn't do it. I'd get to one place and have to come home within 5 minutes of being there, it was just horrible. Some people have the opinion of 'just do it, just get over it'. Honestly it isn't always as simple as that. It is very frustrating. When you are in the hands of anxiety it is very isolating and very hard to master the things that were once easy day to day things. I'll tell you something though, once you've had the ability to do easy peasy, every day things taken away from you you seriously appreciate it so much more when you become able again. I'll never take simple, little, day to day life things for granted again.


So, what is anxiety like for me today?  It's a lot better, it is still there whether it's the worrying thoughts in my head that I've got some serious illness or disease (a slight headache doesn't mean you have a brain tumour Anna). Or whether it's the negative little voice in my head saying I'll never be able to share my life with someone. Or if it's the little voice doubting me. The little voice is there quite a lot. Anxiety is still there. Just because someone seems okay on the outside, the inside might be screaming a completely different story but that's okay. If you are feeling anxious, that's okay. If you are feeling panicky, that's okay. Whatever you are feeling know it is okay. Things will get easier, take each day one day at a time.

being alone, it's okay.

Everyone around me... their in loving relationships, moving in, being part of a team. I'm currently not doing any of that, it makes me sad but in the same breathe I'm okay with it because my time will come.

Some day a guy will walk into my life and make me wonder how I ever lived without him, I'm sure. In the meantime I remind myself that the people around me might not of been fighting a mental illness and I tell you what, it isn't an easy fight but I will win this war.

Since becoming ill almost eight years ago I've not been in a relationship. Relationships can sometimes be tough but I imagine throwing a little bit of anxiety and panic into the mix would make things interesting and even tougher because I get frustrated enough with myself when I can't do something and I kind of know what's going on in my head.

I mean I can't imagine anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't travel more than an hour away, someone who sometimes is okay and manages going places and other days just doesn't. I just don't feel right now that I'm in any way capable of being in a relationship and you know what, that's okay. Being in a relationship is a choice, it is not compulsory.

There feels like there is so much pressure to be in a relationship and I honestly don't know why. I've seen people go from one relationship to another, jumping from one person to the next like they are jumping on the sofa cushions to avoid the hot lava. Is being single really that bad?

This post sprung to mind over the weekend when I decided to go out on my own, oooh the horror of it. "I mean people actually do that? Hang out on their own? Noooo, I'd rather just stay at home." I imagine that's how some people would react, but not me. If I had to wait for someone to hang out with I'd be waiting a very looonnngggg time and would probably rarely leave the house other than the occasional time and for work. Lifes too short not to enjoy it when you can. Plus I've learnt to do more things on my own.

So I took myself out, grabbed myself some lunch and took myself to the lake close by to enjoy the sunshine and nature. Independence is such a small thing we can sometimes take for granted but I don't anymore, I appreciate it so much since I've had it taken from me before.

If you want to be on your own it's absolutely okay. You don't have to be with someone for the sake of it. I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, so someone will walk into your life when you least expect it.

Why should we have to wait for someone to come into our lives and show us our worth? We shouldn't there is one person who is always capable of doing just that...you!

Treat yourself as often as you can, love yourself as much as you can, take care of yourself every single day and most importantly believe in yourself, know your worth.

If you are single honestly it is okay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Love the life you live, whether it be solo or as part of a team (either way is fine).

If in doubt, blog it out?

When something is bothering me a little I do what I know works best for me, turn to my blog, write it all out. Them negative, pretty pointless swimming fish, that don't help anyone. Atleast typing it out I don't have to explain my slightly craziness to anyone? Nobody needs to run for the hills, I promise.

I'm managing things so much better these days, and by 'things' I mean day to day stuff. Things that I do every single day, day in and day out, my routine. I can function like a normal human in my comfort zone. What happens when something comes up that isn't in my normal routine, something a little out of the blue, out of my comfort zone? Obviously I run the scenario around in my head a million billion times, of course...I mean what else would a completely normal person do?

The main thought spinning around in my head right now is, 'am I going to be out of my comfort zone too much?'

Maybe I should elaborate a little bit more. This weekend I'm going with an old school friend and a few of her friends to watch her boyfriend in a charity football match, great! I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's at the same stadium that me and my mum often go to every weekend (when it's football season of course).

Obviously though I'm left with doubts in my mind. Funnily enough I chat away like there is no tomorrow yet I'm not overly great around people. Some people who know me will probably find that hard to believe. I do a lot of things by myself because it's easier that way, if I panic I'm not letting anyone down. So what happens if I panic when I am with these new people? People who aren't all familiar to me? Will they think I'm really weird? Will they notice that I'm acting a little odd? Will they judge if I suddenly want to go home? Oh god, this is what anxiety does to you. But atleast I'm getting it all out, I might even end up sending this link to my friend to pre warn her what she is letting herself in for. Adele, god help you!

Anxiety makes me realize I can't seem to do things 'normally' anymore. Whatever is normal anyway? Normal must be boring, surely?

My FIRST workiversary!

5th May 2016 marks my one year anniversary in work (proper permanent work)...my workiversary! Just over a year ago I wrote a post about a little (or large depending on how you look at it) life update...my new job and a new found love for a certain nail varnish (cos that's certainly an update worthy post)!

After leaving a job that was making me miserable and taking my sparkle away I was left back at the start of the game, hunting for something else. Thankfully I was approached (by my parent's accountant) for a job filled with all things admin and well a year down the line, the rest is history.*

If you had told me three years ago I would be working Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nine til five I would think you were totally bonkers! You'd be lying, surely? How could I possibly manage to stay in work for the whole day when I struggled to stay out of the house for long periods of time some days? How could I manage to concentrate? How could I manage to cope with the pressure of work? Well, maybe I can share with you how I got to where I am in work today and hopefully give some of you hope. Trust me, things do get better.

Luckily for me I started off working three hours each day so it wasn't too much but it was enough to ease me in to it. Fast forward six months down the line I'm working pretty much every day. I don't work Wednesdays because it was getting too much for me. But that's life? Life gets too much. When something is affecting your health it really is worth trying a new way to manage it, my way was to take a step back, gain a little bit of control again. Thankfully my boss was absolutely fine with it and very understanding. So four days out of seven isn't bad going if you ask me, especially since I didn't think I'd ever be able to work.


This post has been in the making for about a week now, I'm pretty sure I've said what I want to say now but here is a little message to you though... take your time in whatever you do. Don't try to run before you can walk. Whatever achievement you've made, celebrate it. Treat yourself, look after yourself and keep on loving yourself! Things will get easier, take it from someone who didn't think that was possible.


See you here again next year for my second workiversary!


*I've just had to delete One Direction lyrics out of here because that would not be cool, or would it? Plus it would of possibly filled an entire paragraph.

outside world vs inside my mind, living with anxiety.

Anxiety for me is pretty much a constant day to day battle, it's either there in full swing, swaying back and forth or it's lurking in the shadows.

I'm slowly coming to terms with my anxiety, that chances are it will always be a part of me but that's ok (we are kind of friends now), even though it's frustrating at times.

The levels of anxiety I regularly feel now are at such a lower key compared to the anxiety I felt a few years ago. I'm dealing with it a little better, learning how to work with it instead of working against it.

Just because we can't see someones illness though doesn't mean it isn't real and just because someone doesn't look ill that doesn't mean they aren't. Mental illnesses are pretty much invisible but they are very, very real. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


A few days ago I decided to ask a bunch of my friends both offline and online to describe me in 3 words, just to prove that we might seem ok on the outside but be far from it on the inside. Plus I thought it would make for an interesting blog post.

I asked a variety of friends from those who have known me for years and those who I've only met a few times, all aged between 7 and 50. These are the responses I received from them:
'considerate, caring and too soft',   'caring, reliable and loyal',   'bubbly, frail and bubbly',   'bubbly, kind and hard working',   'funny, joyful and playful',   'kind, honest and loyal',   'kind, warm and determined',   'compassionate, strong willed and dedicated',   'beautiful, funny and considerate',   'kind, loyal and friendly'.

Then I decided to ask a few of my online friends who I interact with on a regular basis. These are their responses:
'selfless, caring and strong',   'kind, strong and inspiring', '  thoughtful/considerate, strong and sweet',   'sweet, funny and brave',   'caring, strong and sensitive',   'loyal, caring and thoughtful'.

Massive thank you to everyone who helped me, it means alot (not that you'll be reading this)! All positive responses, maybe that'll be because I asked friends and not people I no longer speak to. If I asked them the responses might not of been so kind. Now I thought I'd explain how I'm feeling now because writing about what's bothering me inside my mind helps ease it and doesn't give my thoughts power over me.

My thoughts...I'm annoying to be around, people don't want to hang out with me, I must have done something wrong or be a shitty person. I'm too clingy. I worry too much. Anxiety is shit but I'm in control (kind of). What if I get seriously ill soon? I'm not doing this right, I don't understand. Will I ever understand? Will they ever understand?

I'm questioning life itself, what is the point in life? I don't want to die though. What are we meant to be aiming for? I can't get my head around one day we are here and the next day we could be gone.

We are all little ants in a very big dirt pile trying to figure out what to do next whilst fighting our own battles and getting through day to day life.

What if I never meet anyone and I end up alone with no family or friends? What if I can never share my life with someone else because I'm too afraid? I don't want someone else to complete me though, I want someone to stand by my side and support me, I want to be a team.


I'm writing this post in hopes that someone else can relate to it, or just one person thinks 'me too, I've felt like this'. If you have know you aren't alone, ever.