being alone, it's okay.

Everyone around me... their in loving relationships, moving in, being part of a team. I'm currently not doing any of that, it makes me sad but in the same breathe I'm okay with it because my time will come.

Some day a guy will walk into my life and make me wonder how I ever lived without him, I'm sure. In the meantime I remind myself that the people around me might not of been fighting a mental illness and I tell you what, it isn't an easy fight but I will win this war.

Since becoming ill almost eight years ago I've not been in a relationship. Relationships can sometimes be tough but I imagine throwing a little bit of anxiety and panic into the mix would make things interesting and even tougher because I get frustrated enough with myself when I can't do something and I kind of know what's going on in my head.

I mean I can't imagine anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't travel more than an hour away, someone who sometimes is okay and manages going places and other days just doesn't. I just don't feel right now that I'm in any way capable of being in a relationship and you know what, that's okay. Being in a relationship is a choice, it is not compulsory.

There feels like there is so much pressure to be in a relationship and I honestly don't know why. I've seen people go from one relationship to another, jumping from one person to the next like they are jumping on the sofa cushions to avoid the hot lava. Is being single really that bad?

This post sprung to mind over the weekend when I decided to go out on my own, oooh the horror of it. "I mean people actually do that? Hang out on their own? Noooo, I'd rather just stay at home." I imagine that's how some people would react, but not me. If I had to wait for someone to hang out with I'd be waiting a very looonnngggg time and would probably rarely leave the house other than the occasional time and for work. Lifes too short not to enjoy it when you can. Plus I've learnt to do more things on my own.

So I took myself out, grabbed myself some lunch and took myself to the lake close by to enjoy the sunshine and nature. Independence is such a small thing we can sometimes take for granted but I don't anymore, I appreciate it so much since I've had it taken from me before.

If you want to be on your own it's absolutely okay. You don't have to be with someone for the sake of it. I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, so someone will walk into your life when you least expect it.

Why should we have to wait for someone to come into our lives and show us our worth? We shouldn't there is one person who is always capable of doing just that...you!

Treat yourself as often as you can, love yourself as much as you can, take care of yourself every single day and most importantly believe in yourself, know your worth.

If you are single honestly it is okay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Love the life you live, whether it be solo or as part of a team (either way is fine).

If in doubt, blog it out?

When something is bothering me a little I do what I know works best for me, turn to my blog, write it all out. Them negative, pretty pointless swimming fish, that don't help anyone. Atleast typing it out I don't have to explain my slightly craziness to anyone? Nobody needs to run for the hills, I promise.

I'm managing things so much better these days, and by 'things' I mean day to day stuff. Things that I do every single day, day in and day out, my routine. I can function like a normal human in my comfort zone. What happens when something comes up that isn't in my normal routine, something a little out of the blue, out of my comfort zone? Obviously I run the scenario around in my head a million billion times, of course...I mean what else would a completely normal person do?

The main thought spinning around in my head right now is, 'am I going to be out of my comfort zone too much?'

Maybe I should elaborate a little bit more. This weekend I'm going with an old school friend and a few of her friends to watch her boyfriend in a charity football match, great! I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's at the same stadium that me and my mum often go to every weekend (when it's football season of course).

Obviously though I'm left with doubts in my mind. Funnily enough I chat away like there is no tomorrow yet I'm not overly great around people. Some people who know me will probably find that hard to believe. I do a lot of things by myself because it's easier that way, if I panic I'm not letting anyone down. So what happens if I panic when I am with these new people? People who aren't all familiar to me? Will they think I'm really weird? Will they notice that I'm acting a little odd? Will they judge if I suddenly want to go home? Oh god, this is what anxiety does to you. But atleast I'm getting it all out, I might even end up sending this link to my friend to pre warn her what she is letting herself in for. Adele, god help you!

Anxiety makes me realize I can't seem to do things 'normally' anymore. Whatever is normal anyway? Normal must be boring, surely?

My FIRST workiversary!

5th May 2016 marks my one year anniversary in work (proper permanent work)...my workiversary! Just over a year ago I wrote a post about a little (or large depending on how you look at it) life update...my new job and a new found love for a certain nail varnish (cos that's certainly an update worthy post)!

After leaving a job that was making me miserable and taking my sparkle away I was left back at the start of the game, hunting for something else. Thankfully I was approached (by my parent's accountant) for a job filled with all things admin and well a year down the line, the rest is history.*

If you had told me three years ago I would be working Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nine til five I would think you were totally bonkers! You'd be lying, surely? How could I possibly manage to stay in work for the whole day when I struggled to stay out of the house for long periods of time some days? How could I manage to concentrate? How could I manage to cope with the pressure of work? Well, maybe I can share with you how I got to where I am in work today and hopefully give some of you hope. Trust me, things do get better.

Luckily for me I started off working three hours each day so it wasn't too much but it was enough to ease me in to it. Fast forward six months down the line I'm working pretty much every day. I don't work Wednesdays because it was getting too much for me. But that's life? Life gets too much. When something is affecting your health it really is worth trying a new way to manage it, my way was to take a step back, gain a little bit of control again. Thankfully my boss was absolutely fine with it and very understanding. So four days out of seven isn't bad going if you ask me, especially since I didn't think I'd ever be able to work.


This post has been in the making for about a week now, I'm pretty sure I've said what I want to say now but here is a little message to you though... take your time in whatever you do. Don't try to run before you can walk. Whatever achievement you've made, celebrate it. Treat yourself, look after yourself and keep on loving yourself! Things will get easier, take it from someone who didn't think that was possible.


See you here again next year for my second workiversary!


*I've just had to delete One Direction lyrics out of here because that would not be cool, or would it? Plus it would of possibly filled an entire paragraph.

outside world vs inside my mind, living with anxiety.

Anxiety for me is pretty much a constant day to day battle, it's either there in full swing, swaying back and forth or it's lurking in the shadows.

I'm slowly coming to terms with my anxiety, that chances are it will always be a part of me but that's ok (we are kind of friends now), even though it's frustrating at times.

The levels of anxiety I regularly feel now are at such a lower key compared to the anxiety I felt a few years ago. I'm dealing with it a little better, learning how to work with it instead of working against it.

Just because we can't see someones illness though doesn't mean it isn't real and just because someone doesn't look ill that doesn't mean they aren't. Mental illnesses are pretty much invisible but they are very, very real. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


A few days ago I decided to ask a bunch of my friends both offline and online to describe me in 3 words, just to prove that we might seem ok on the outside but be far from it on the inside. Plus I thought it would make for an interesting blog post.

I asked a variety of friends from those who have known me for years and those who I've only met a few times, all aged between 7 and 50. These are the responses I received from them:
'considerate, caring and too soft',   'caring, reliable and loyal',   'bubbly, frail and bubbly',   'bubbly, kind and hard working',   'funny, joyful and playful',   'kind, honest and loyal',   'kind, warm and determined',   'compassionate, strong willed and dedicated',   'beautiful, funny and considerate',   'kind, loyal and friendly'.

Then I decided to ask a few of my online friends who I interact with on a regular basis. These are their responses:
'selfless, caring and strong',   'kind, strong and inspiring', '  thoughtful/considerate, strong and sweet',   'sweet, funny and brave',   'caring, strong and sensitive',   'loyal, caring and thoughtful'.

Massive thank you to everyone who helped me, it means alot (not that you'll be reading this)! All positive responses, maybe that'll be because I asked friends and not people I no longer speak to. If I asked them the responses might not of been so kind. Now I thought I'd explain how I'm feeling now because writing about what's bothering me inside my mind helps ease it and doesn't give my thoughts power over me.

My thoughts...I'm annoying to be around, people don't want to hang out with me, I must have done something wrong or be a shitty person. I'm too clingy. I worry too much. Anxiety is shit but I'm in control (kind of). What if I get seriously ill soon? I'm not doing this right, I don't understand. Will I ever understand? Will they ever understand?

I'm questioning life itself, what is the point in life? I don't want to die though. What are we meant to be aiming for? I can't get my head around one day we are here and the next day we could be gone.

We are all little ants in a very big dirt pile trying to figure out what to do next whilst fighting our own battles and getting through day to day life.

What if I never meet anyone and I end up alone with no family or friends? What if I can never share my life with someone else because I'm too afraid? I don't want someone else to complete me though, I want someone to stand by my side and support me, I want to be a team.


I'm writing this post in hopes that someone else can relate to it, or just one person thinks 'me too, I've felt like this'. If you have know you aren't alone, ever.

'How many 'likes'? Does it matter?' inspired by Jo Elvin

Most monthly magazines start with an editor's letter and Jo Elvin is the wonderful editor of Glamour (just incase you didn't know). Glamour is my all time favourite magazine, hands down. I buy it every month without fail just because I know it will have articles I can relate to and stories that will make me stop and think about life. It isn't your typical magazine filled with gossip and that is one of the many reasons why I love it!

In the final months of 2015 Jo's letter was called 'How many 'likes'? Does it matter?'. I remember sitting at work on my lunch break reading this and in my head agreeing with every word that Jo had written. One phrase that really stuck in my head, still there now was along the lines of 'someone will always think you're a shit'. You know what, whoever gave Jo this advice is so right. Someone will always think you're a shit, we can't please everyone and we can't make everyone like us. But that's okay.

So 'How many 'likes'? Does it matter?'.

It won't come as a shock to anyone that we live in a world that is filled with constant internet access, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So many of us use the cyber world to communicate with each other instead of speaking to one another face to face. This upsets me because you really can't beat human interaction, speaking to someone face to face, being in someones company that isn't a million miles away.

Don't get me wrong though because I love the cyber world just as much as the next person, it opens us up to so much more of the world, so many more possibilities, so many more experiences, so many more relationships.

But at what point does the internet become a bad place? In my opinion one of the downfalls of the internet is the constant access, the constant access to compare ourselves to others, the constant access no matter what our mood is. Sometimes the internet is a devil in disguise.

We are all humans and we all just want to be accepted. Accepted for who we are and for who we are not. What makes us feel accepted most online though? The likes? The favourites? The retweets? The mentions? The shout outs? The followers? All of these are just numbers, figures that do not define us as a person.


I wanted to write this post to just address the topic and reassure you (plus myself in the process).

I just want you to know that if you get 4 likes it doesn't make you any else of an amazing person than the person online who got 4,000 likes. You are an incredible, amazing, brave, unique, strong, inspiring person regardless of how many likes you get, how many followers you have, how many retweets you get. They are all just numbers at the end of the day, but you know what single number does matter...1. The one person behind the online account...you, you are important, you matter. Never forget that. You can't please everyone, not everyone will like you, you won't like everyone and that's okay.

Never forget, 'someone will always think you're a shit' but that doesn't matter ('shake it off, shake it off'), we are all different and unique, just be the best you that you can be.

the comparison game, it's pointless.

Recently I've been comparing myself to others a little more than usual because I've recently found out that one of my ex boyfriends is living with his girlfriend and they're expecting a baby, another is engaged and living with his fiancee. I'm absolutely no way near either of them stages in my life but obviously as soon as I found out about them I was down and started to doubt myself, doubting my life. Yes, it was years ago we were together (I've been single for seven years now..and I'm totally ok with that) but I also find that certain people will always stick in your head and have a special place in your heart for a long time, especially if they meant something to you. If someone is in my life then I'll give them my all, admittedly sometimes it isn't wanted but that's just who I am.

I've been feeling really down about this, I haven't just been comparing myself to my two exes I've been comparing myself to everyone around my age it seems, so I thought I'd write about it because talking about whatever is bothering me helps and someone somewhere will be able to relate to this.

I'm completely understanding that things change and people move on but that doesn't make it easy. I know they are just living their lives and rightly so. They aren't doing any of this to hurt me, they've probably forgotten all about me completely. But I guess though when you're in a relationship you don't always see an end to it, you expect that person to stay in your life. I'm a lot more aware now that some people don't stick around but you know what, I'm not going to let that make me bitter. It's just the way life goes sometimes, I'm still hopeful that one day someone will walk into my life and prove me wrong. 

I'm pretty sure the moral of this story is to not care what other people are doing with their lives, it's exactly that...their lives and not yours. But unfortunately it isn't always that easy, so I'm going to share with you a few things I've learnt when it comes to comparing yourself to others (cos I'm starting to feel a little bit of a pro at this)!...

Social media is the worst thing for you when you are in self comparison mode, you'll be scrolling through profiles and thinking 'why is everything so perfect for them?'. Stop right there, nothing is ever perfect and a picture doesn't really capture what's going on in someones life. Some people might post happy pictures as a front, to make people jealous of their lives. Don't be sucked in by this. Live your life, your way and get off social media every now and then. It's good for your soul, honestly try it...there's a whole world out there.

Don't let comparing yourself to others make you bitter, every single persons life is moving at a different pace and that's ok. Your life will work out just the way it's meant to eventually. Photos tend to be the things I compare my life to most but don't let them make you sad. Instead twist your thoughts around. Be happy for people, it will make you a better person and you'll feel a lot more self worth.

You don't have to blend in, you don't have to be doing what everyone else is doing. It's cool not to be 'cool'. One example, I'm twenty four and I've still not been out 'clubbing' because that just doesn't appeal to me but does that make me any less of a person? No, it doesn't. I could write a nice long list of things I haven't done that I 'should' be doing or 'should' have done by now, but that doesn't make me any less of a person and it doesn't make you any less of one either.

Follow upbeat, inspiring and motivational accounts online instead. I'm sure when a lot of people see inspiring and upbeat quotes they want to grab the nearest sick bucket but I don't, I'm a sucker for a positive quote...throw them all my way please and thank you. One of my favourite Instagram accounts right now is nakedwithanxiety. I'll share with you a screenshot of her account and I personally think if you don't follow her you're missing out. Danielle (the girl behind the account) will remind you daily that you are important, that you are amazing, that you are worthy. Her daily reminders just put a smile on my face and make my day a little bit better. We must remember we are never alone, ever.

When you are comparing yourself to others it feels like a very lonely time but it doesn't have to be, someone will be there to listen. Even if it means having to write a blog post about it, someone will listen and you'll feel less alone. 

Reality check, life isn't always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes life is pants and that's ok. This post will hopefully be a little reminder to you that you don't have to be doing everything that everyone else is doing. Just be you and live your life the way you want to live it.

are you watching Thirteen?

For those of you who haven't discovered Thirteen yet, let me introduce you to it...you can thank me later, I'm sure you will.

Thirteen is a five part drama on BBC Three. If you are already watching it like me you'll be probably thinking the same as me...only five?! ONLY FIVE BLOOMIN' EPISODES? I WANT MORE!!! Please tell me they'll be more later on?

I've been dropping Thirteen into conversations whenever and wherever I can and I highly recommend it, if you aren't already watching. I've just checked and it's available for another five months on BBCiplayer but I mean I wouldn't wait another five months to start watching it personally.

Without saying too much I'll explain what Thirteen is about...Ivy Moxam (played by Jodie Comer, incredible actress. She amazes me more and more with each episode, I feel the need after every episode to tweet her how amazing she is...compliments are nice, let's spread more kindness in the world) escapes captivity after being kidnapped thirteen years ago (but did she really get kidnapped?). Over the episodes the story unravels making you question pretty much every character on screen (surely I'm not the only one doubting them). Twists and turns through every episode leaves you wanting more. BBC Three, my friend you have done a superb job on this one.

Now after sharing a slightly blurry/edgy screen shot of the opening title let me share with you what I think so far after watching three episodes, we could be here awhile (I'd only recommend reading the next part if you've been watching Thirteen)...

Ivy, Ivy, Ivy Moxam? Hmmm, is she really Ivy? I really don't know if 'Ivy' really is Ivy, the girl who got taken thirteen years ago...did she really get kidnapped or did she run away? Leaving by choice. Her 'kidnapper' worked at Ivy's school so did she know him?

The day Ivy was kidnapped was a day she decided to bunk off school, my theory is that she actually went to school and saw her mum getting with the headteacher, there is clearly something going on between these two characters. My guess is an affair, without a doubt.

Mark White, Ivy's kidnapper? As the story unfolds more and more I'm doubting he kidnapped her. I think she wanted to be with him and the only way was if she 'disappeared'. Phoebe the little girl he has kidnapped now is just an act, a plan, a game to make Ivy jealous maybe? I think Ivy and Mark were in a secret relationship and that's why nobody will confess that Ivy actually did know Mark. So I think they were in a relationship and they had a fall out and he's fled before the police catch him because she threatened to lie? To make sure he ends up behind bars, kind of a 'if I can't have you, nobody can' way.

Ivy's behavior is beyond odd which is to be expected but I'm still unsure about her. She went back to the house with the police and didn't seem in a distressed way. Maybe she was hoping to find Mark there? During police interviews she has a very peculiar way of acting, again understandable but I'm not convinced.

Tim, Ivy's ex boyfriend...Eloise, Ivy's best friend?...something about these two makes me question what they actually know. I'm just not too sure what it is yet.

The policeman who picked Ivy up and dropped her off at the police station after her calling 999 from a telephone box in the first episode at the beginning has some involvement. As soon as he dropped Ivy off and she was in the building with the case worker he called someone, not sure who but I don't trust him.

The body found in episode 3, I'm not convinced it is Mark White's brother. It's too obvious now, I have a feeling it is the real Ivy Moxam or could it be someone completely unrelated to this story? We will soon find out I'm sure.


If you aren't already watching Thirteen, what are you waiting for?

You are watching it? Share with me your thoughts and theories about it?