bumps in the road

Would you believe me if I told you the two photos below were taken less than 24 hours apart? Ok, yes the right was also filtered too but I just want to get a point across. Just because someone posts happy, nice photos it doesn't always reflect their life. I can't quite believe it myself, the difference I felt inside was so bizarre. That's anxiety for you though I guess. 

I've decided to finally write this post, I've wanted to write it for a week now to share with you what happened last week and prove that bad days still happen for me but so do good. It's all part of living with anxiety I guess.

For the past couple of weeks now I've been struggling, more physically than mentally this time. It's been up and down, what feels like blip after blip, bad day after good day kind of time. But that's life right? It doesn't make it any less frustrating though.

I think the main thing playing it's part in this situation is that for over 4 years now (maybe even more actually) I've been drinking Coca Cola (full sugar kind and diet version too) an awful lot, probably more than I would like to admit some days. It just doesn't seem to stop me from feeling thirsty though, I could drink can after can (some days I would). I dread to think the affect it's had on my insides. Plus apparently it has been known to heighten anxiety, I think it's now having the opposite affect on me since I've stopped drinking it. I seemed better off drinking it for the most part. Weird I know. I've been into a health shop in town and the lady told me never to drink it again, I'm taking her word for it because it is clearly no good.

So just under two weeks ago I decided to stop drinking it, it was great when I was drinking it, but afterwards the slump that followed wasn't nice. I'd feel so sluggish and bloated too. What has followed since stopping drinking it is what I'm assuming are side effects, I'm still not 100% sure. Maybe it's something completely different and not related, but that's the only change I've made recently that could be affecting my body physically. Ahhh, or maybe it's mother nature she loves to mess with me.


Anxiety can make you need the loo or feel like you need the loo an awful lot, we call this nervous wees and poos (don't we Lauren?). But recently this toilet business has upped its game. I don't even think it's anxiety related what's happening (I've no idea, it's just so random and sudden but doesn't seem to stick around for long). I think it's more to the point of side effects from the high amounts of caffeine and sugar in my body, that are slowly leaving my body plus my mum keeps repeatedly telling me it's probably stress too. Ahh, stress you joyful emotion you. That and I'm not eating enough, typical mum concern?

Just before the two weeks of giving up drinking fizzy pop. Every time I drank a fizzy drink I'd be on the loo within minutes, it clearly doesn't want to stay in my body any longer than it needs to. TMI? Am I actually writing this post now? Yes, yes I am because it's affecting me, it could be playing a part in my anxiety levels and it could affect you one day too, or maybe it has before. If this has affected you before or is affecting you now please let me know, it's good to know I'm not alone and going loopy.

The fizzy pop having this affect on me has made me a little bit more (who am I kidding? a lot more) aware of my body. I'm starting to become a little frightened of my bodily functions which are completely normal, the bodily functions that is...not the way I'm reacting to them! It frustrates me because I want to know why I can't just act and think like the majority of people around me.

The second I begin to feel a little uneasy and unwell I can feel my heart racing, my breathing getting faster and I start to feel sick. The sick you feel when you're anxious, not the sick when you are actually going to throw up, thankfully I've learnt the difference between these two. This panic seems to last a heck of a lot longer if I'm away from home. Take last Wednesday for example...

I decided to bike to town instead of driving, the weather was pleasant so I thought it would make a nice change...what was to follow was not a nice change. The night before I'd decided to talk to myself and rationalize with my anxiety and the thoughts that were floating around, part of this talk was to not listen to every body sensation I felt, I don't always need to go to the loo. (I'd really put this into place at football on Tuesday night when I went to watch my local team, I didn't go to the loo once whilst I was there. My body and mind link together and tell each other that I need to go a lot, I really don't).

After the previous night being such a huge success in my eyes, I thought I'd be able to manage this the next day too. Boy was I wrong, whilst I was shopping my body definitely felt like it needed to go to the loo, like really needed to go. Luckily my parents have their own shop so I made my way back there as quick as I could. I don't exactly need to explain what happened next but it lead me into a horrible state of panic. I don't remember the last time I've panicked that bad. I had to ring a friend to come and see if he'd pick me up, luckily he did. All I did was cry and cry and cry some more, even in the car. I have absolutely no idea what caused this but it happened. I got home and just cried and panicked some more. Within a few hours it had all passed and I felt normal and human (as human as can be) again. I cried tears of frustration at how well I was doing, how I didn't understand, how fast things can change, how can they possible be so ok one minute and really not the next? I guess that's mental illness for you. I've now learnt even more it's ok to take each day one day at a time. Plus don't be so hard on yourself.

One of the (many) things that my friend said who picked me up was something along the lines of 'Anna, you are doing amazing, I don't like crowds so I avoid concerts. You face this every day'. You know what, he is so right! I'm facing this every day, I need to give myself more credit. Plus he also said it's ok to have bad days. I feel like there is so much pressure to be forever having good days but that's just not reality. I'm bubbly on the outside because that's just me but the inside is sometimes a completely different story.


What happened the next day after the awful panic attacks? I went to work and managed the whole day absolutely fine. I didn't even mention once at work what had happened the previous day and I don't think any of them knew a single thing. The only thing that is different with me at work at the minute is that I'm occasionally sat at my desk really focusing on my breathing.

Every now and then I think to myself why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't my brain just not over analyze everything? Why can't my brain just switch off for a day or two? But then I stop and think, everything that has happened or is happening to me now is making me into a stronger person. Plus, it's a little quirky too.

After all my waffle I'm debating whether this post is even worth sharing but I've made the effort and wrote it to prove that living with anxiety isn't plain sailing and it's ok to hit walls (not literally) but bumps in the road are normal and proof that you are trying. Keep going!

setbacks and improvements

Hmm, how to describe how I've been feeling lately? Meh, anxious, meh, panic, meh, self doubting, meh, disappointing, meh! But along with these feelings have come along a few more... amazement, achievement, hope, pride, bravery. When something is going wrong it's so easy to focus only on the negative side of things but if we search a little deeper there is always positive feelings hiding, dig a little deeper and you'll find them.

Over the past couple of months different elements have played a part in my anxiety levels increasing. Sometimes with anxiety there is no reasons, other times there could be a million and one (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean). These elements have made me doubt myself as a person, am I doing a good job? Made me doubt my own abilities, am I doing it right? Can I actually do this? Made me doubt my worth, is this what I deserve to be treated like? Not only have my thoughts been working overtime, they've made my physical symptoms go sky high too. Sometimes situations and people have an affect on us without us even realizing.

Even though my anxiety has gone up a few notches and I've been struggling to do certain things (football matches and shopping, I'm looking at you)! I've managed to see a lot of improvements in myself too. This week at work I had a panic attack (I've had a few over the last couple of weeks but they've been at home so I've coped a little better. Despite one I had today whilst out picking up a few bits from a shopping outlet). What is your instant reaction when you're having a panic attack? RUNNNN! Run away, escape the danger (imaginary danger most of the time), get home/to a safe place as fast as you possibly can and never return to the place again (or avoid it for aslong as possible). In my early anxiety days I would have done pretty much just that.

Anxiety days now, (I sometimes still run and avoid things but I'm only human, jeeezzz)! However I've accepted what anxiety is and that chances are it's part of me, it will be with me for the long run. I'll share with you now what happened when the panic attack happened at work... I paced a little bit deciding what to do, thoughts going into overdrive, 'I need to get out!', 'I need to leave!', 'I need to go home!'. So I left the building, sat in my car, turned on the aircon, listened to a little bit of One Direction, direct Instagram messaged/texted a few people (acknowledging helps) and calmed myself down. I had considered driving home but I knew it would make going to work the next day even harder. Now I know what is happening I'm able to calm myself down enough to manage them, I even try to understand it (sometimes there is nothing to actually understand). I tell myself what it is that is happening, focus on my breathing, let the feelings and thoughts come and go. Time is the biggest part in this, allow yourself time to relax and calm yourself down. I was actually sat in my car for just under an hour. What happened afterwards though? I made it back into the office and worked until it was home time, yessss! What is such a simple every day thing to some, was a huge victory to me. Leaving the house without wanting to go straight back inside used to be a huge victory, I'm improving without even realizing.

I understand that not everyone is as lucky to have such an incredible, supportive work force. I know how unbelievably lucky I am, I don't take it for granted. My advice to you is be honest about your health, some people just wont get it or even try to get it. But some people will try their hardest and see you for the person underneath the illness.

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...swimming around my head

Over the past couple of days my mind has been having some kind of never ending merry-go-round going on in there. I'm struggling to see the future in a positive light at the minute. But you know what, that is part of life. Sometimes life will be down and there will be no reason behind it. You know what you've got to do though...

Image found on Pinterest

I'm taking each day as it comes and reminding myself that each day is a new start, filled with wonderful little things that will put a smile on my face.

My main way of expressing myself is through writing. Hey, I'm not saying I'm good at it but it helps ease my thoughts and calms them down a little since I'm acknowledging them. Ignoring them doesn't seem to help matters, it just gets me more and more annoyed. So it's time to express myself.

At the minute my various thoughts that are swimming around in my head are...

"Am I a shitty person?". This is the one that is bothering me the most. Friends seem to come and go, randomly one minute we are fine and the next we aren't. That's life though, I guess. I'm hoping it's nothing to do with me as a person, I guess sometimes friendships just don't work out.

"Will I ever be able to go on holiday again?". I see people sharing their holiday photos and I just find myself thinking 'no, no, I can't do that...how do they do it?'. But then I remind myself at one point I struggled to leave the house, looking back over how far I've come gives me faith that one day I will be able to go on holiday again. A little break beside the sea would be lovely.

"Will I forever be alone?". That sounds really dramatic but hey, the thoughts are working overtime. I've not had a boyfriend for about 7 years now. I don't want to go on any kind of dating app, I just feel like people have so much choices for finding love, or finding a quick shag. What happens if I meet someone, they get bored and end up searching for someone else? Let's be honest, finding someone else in this world we live in right now wouldn't be hard. Internet connection and you're good to go.

"I'm quite happy being on my own, is that a bad thing?" Seeing people in relationships or looking for love makes me question myself. I'm quite happy with just being by myself. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me weird? Weird that I'm not settling down, with a house and a kid? I'm not exactly raving it up getting drunk on the weekends, sleeping with anything with a pulse. I'm just being me, doing what I enjoy and looking after myself.

*exhales*... Just writing all that out has lifted a weight of my chest. Now it's time to go and watch some Netflix...Scream and Pretty Little Liars, I'm coming for you!

Living with anxiety, incredible things can still happen...

Thursday 14th July 2016, just another day? Well kind of anyway.

On Thursday I pushed myself a little in the hopes of being able to meet Olly Murs...

I've never been the kind of person to try and meet celebrities. In my opinion they are just like you and me, with a little (ok a lot) more money and less privacy. I'm still not the kind of person to stalk celebrities or turn up at events for the chance to meet them. Infact if anything, I'd go to an event and be too scared to approach them and ask for a photo. 

As soon as I found out though that Olly was doing a radio tour and would be at a station just over half an hour away I just had to go. I mean come on, it would of just been rude not to. Within minutes of finding out I asked my boss if I could leave work early that day and thankfully she said yes. Hooraaayyy for the nice people in the world! 

The location of the radio station was in the exact same city where a few years ago I was meant to be attending my first ever blogger's meet up (it was a no go for me, it ended with me crying in my car in a side street). Oh, how things change and improve.

After being able to attend this radio tour, I got a big urge to write about it in hopes it will give someone hope. I mean we could all do with some hope, hope that things will get better. They will, trust me! These things just take time, there is no quick fix. Trust me, I'd been hoping for a quick fix for a long time. Eventually all the little steps and hard work pays off.

Maybe I should explain a little about a radio tour. This is my first ever one so I don't know, maybe each one varies? But here is my run down of what happened. We arrived at the location a little before Olly was meant to arrive, we arrived about half an hour before. Other people however had been there since lunch, his expected time was four. Once Olly had arrived he said a quick hello and told us he would catch us afterwards. About an hour and a half later, Olly reappeared (I'm sure times all vary for how long they are in the radio station for). Before Olly was due to come out to see us, his bouncer (I'm guessing, I don't know who he actually was) came out and told us to have our phones in our hands ready on selfie mode, give Olly the phone cos he's good at selfies, one photo per person and then step back. It was very well organised and it went very smoothly, I'm sure all radio tours don't go that well but for my first time I was very impressed. It would of been nice to have been able to have a little chat with Olly cos he is only human after all but there just wasn't time for that or time to have anything signed. 

Right then, maybe now I should explain a little about the process of attending this event, the anxiety I felt and how I managed to stay til I'd seen Olly. 

Waking up, I felt siiicccckkkk! Hello anxiety at a very early time in the morning, thank you for showing your presence, I know you're there. Instead of getting annoyed with my uneasy feeling I just accepted it for what it was and went about my day. Had breakfast, got washed, ready and went to work.

1pm, I finished work early so I could go and hopefully meet Olly. I'd seen on Twitter that some people had waited hours and not been able to meet him so I wasn't 100% sure if I'd get to meet him or not. I'd also seen comments about his security being really rude and mean. I was also starting to worry because I wasn't sure how many people would be there, what they would be like, what the whole situation would be like.  Moving forward anyway in hopes that I would get to see him and be completely fine too, me and my mum got ready and headed over to Lincs FM. Before travelling my body decided it absolutely needed to wee about a million times (ok, more like ten but it feels like a lot more). I've started calling this nervous weeing, apparently it is quite common with anxiety.

3.30pm (ish). We arrived at Lincs FM! Lincoln is filled with one way streets, you know making the journey soooo much easier (I'm kidding). I did a trial run the day before cos I knew I'd find it easier if I'd been before. Car parked up, out of the car... I wanted to get straight back in the bloomin car and go home. But instead I thought 'no, Anna you've got this! You can do this'. Self belief and a little bit of encouragement from yourself makes things so much easier. So I sat on a wall outside the station, filled my face with a mixture of Bach Rescue Remedy Lozenges (I highly recommend these)!, spearmint polos and ginger biscuits. Plus a bottle of water to wash the taste of the three away. Admittedly they aren't a great mix altogether so I ditched the polos and lozenges. Eating ginger biscuits helps me with feeling sick and unease, they help ease my nausea and my stomach. Some therapists class this as 'safety behaviour' but I would much rather eat a few biscuits, drink some water and be able to meet Olly Murs than not and be stuck at home. 

4pm (ish), Olly shimmies on into the studio! At this point anxiety levels had dropped and we managed to move over to the other fans waiting too.

5.30pm (ish) Olly reappeared. He took a photo with each and every single person stood waiting (well what I saw anyway, we left after our turn). 

6pm (ish) on our way home, getting lost on the way after taking a wrong turn. Really hungry, ready for home but one very happy girl.

I've learnt that you've got to push yourself if you want to achieve things and live life. But I've also learnt that sometimes it just isn't possible and that is absolutely fine. Me and my mum go to watch football and a few times now I've arrived and had to leave pretty much straight away and I remind myself that's ok. Sometimes I go and I'm fine within 20 minutes but before that I just can't settle and relax. Life with anxiety is weird but also wonderful too. 

My Invisalign Journey - Time for some extra aligners

So far my journey with Invisalign has flown by, up until my last set of aligners. My attachments were set to come off on 7th June and that should of been the end of my treatment. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, I noticed a small gap inbetween two of my front teeth that hadn't closed over time. Yes, it was only a small gap but I've paid a lot of money to improve my smile so I'm going to get it sorted. So let's start the extended part of this experience.

What can you expect if you need extra trays you ask...you can expect some more impressions. By impressions I mean the rather large gum shield frying pan in your mouth stuffed with play-dough (it isn't really play-dough) producing the mould. It honestly isn't all that bad, it is obviously very uncomfortable and can make you panic/struggle to breathe but just relax (I know, easier said than done), it'll be over before you know it. Unless you end up needing about six attempts to get it right, I have no idea how it took so long this time around when my teeth are a hell of a lot straighter than before. Anyways, it's soon over and done with and then you'll be one step closer to your improved smile.

Once the impressions have been sent away, you'll receive some more aligners to amend any issues that you have with your teeth. Honestly if something is bugging you after your attachments and final aligner comes out don't be afraid to say something. I was a little unsure about mentioning the gap straight away even though for me it stuck out like a sore thumb. I knew I wanted to get it closed but there was no pressure to make a decision there and then, even though in my head I'd already made up my mind. I wanted extra trays, cos I just can't get enough (I'm kidding by the way)! I left it a couple of hours before calling up my dentist to say that I'd noticed a gap and I wanted it to be closed. Two days later I was back in the dentists chair with the lovely gum shield frying pan in my mouth. Impressions sent away, then the waiting began...two weeks felt like a month of waiting.

24th June, time to get some more aligners and new attachments. It still amazes me how they do the attachments because they are all different shapes and sizes. I'm pretty sure the dentist moulds them in to shape on your teeth, it's weird (see the photo for yourself). 

I have no idea why but this time round it hasn't been plain sailing, after the multiple impressions situation surely nothing else could go wrong? Of course it could, I got home later that night after getting my new sets of aligners and attachments fitted. I took my braces out ready to have my tea. Not one but two of my attachments pinged off my tooth and of course I had to take a few photos to share with you. Back again on Monday to have new ones attached.

One piece of advice I want to share with you, no matter how long the journey takes try your best not to get lazy. Over the past month I've gotten really lazy, I haven't been brushing my teeth after every meal, I've just been rinsing my mouth and putting the aligners back in. Don't do it, it makes plaque build up and your gums bleed. My dentist told me to up my game when it came to brushing because I had a build up of plaque, I obviously didn't admit to becoming lazy but it's not a problem because I'm going to get back on track and all will be good again.

Are you currently receiving Invisalign treatment? I love seeing peoples photos of their changing smiles, share yours with me? :) 

what anxiety is like for me, a few years down the line...

Anxiety has been a noticeable part of my life for about 8 years now, there is no wonder it feels like it's never going to leave. I wanted to write about it again because it has improved but it is still there, lurking, ready to pounce.

Just over two years ago I wrote a post 'what anxiety is like for me...' and I now want to do an updated version to prove that things do get better. Admittedly I'm finding it very hard to believe anxiety will ever leave me but I'm managing it a lot better now and there is no quick fix. When you can't see something it's very hard to believe it's true but trust me, anxiety is very real and can be extremely exhausting, frightening, isolating, life controlling, frustrating, the list can go on. Don't ever let anyone tell you anxiety isn't real.


Anxiety for me used to be an awful lot of feeling sick, day in, day out. I'd wake up feeling sick, I'd go to bed feeling a little less sick. I'd feel sick if I ate, I'd feel sick if I didn't. The feeling just wouldn't go away, there must be something seriously wrong, surely? Test after test, no signs of anything physical. I could never quite pinpoint the moment when I started to feel like this for a few days in a row, it just all of a sudden became so normal that I never thought it would leave. But it did, I've now learnt that I actually only tend to start to feel sick when I'm hungry so I know once I've eaten something the levels of anxiety will ease. Just writing this post, I'm finding it hard to believe that I no longer feel that way. How do I feel now though? I still fear being ill, I fear becoming ill away from home. Any kind of illness that can make me be out of control I guess, that's what it all balls down to. Not being in control, panic attacks can make you feel incredibly out of control and vulnerable but trust me, you will gain control again. Just stay in the moment and stick with it, be friends not enemies.

I used to struggle to be out the house for even an hour at some points, I just couldn't do it. I'd get to one place and have to come home within 5 minutes of being there, it was just horrible. Some people have the opinion of 'just do it, just get over it'. Honestly it isn't always as simple as that. It is very frustrating. When you are in the hands of anxiety it is very isolating and very hard to master the things that were once easy day to day things. I'll tell you something though, once you've had the ability to do easy peasy, every day things taken away from you you seriously appreciate it so much more when you become able again. I'll never take simple, little, day to day life things for granted again.


So, what is anxiety like for me today?  It's a lot better, it is still there whether it's the worrying thoughts in my head that I've got some serious illness or disease (a slight headache doesn't mean you have a brain tumour Anna). Or whether it's the negative little voice in my head saying I'll never be able to share my life with someone. Or if it's the little voice doubting me. The little voice is there quite a lot. Anxiety is still there. Just because someone seems okay on the outside, the inside might be screaming a completely different story but that's okay. If you are feeling anxious, that's okay. If you are feeling panicky, that's okay. Whatever you are feeling know it is okay. Things will get easier, take each day one day at a time.

being alone, it's okay.

Everyone around me... their in loving relationships, moving in, being part of a team. I'm currently not doing any of that, it makes me sad but in the same breathe I'm okay with it because my time will come.

Some day a guy will walk into my life and make me wonder how I ever lived without him, I'm sure. In the meantime I remind myself that the people around me might not of been fighting a mental illness and I tell you what, it isn't an easy fight but I will win this war.

Since becoming ill almost eight years ago I've not been in a relationship. Relationships can sometimes be tough but I imagine throwing a little bit of anxiety and panic into the mix would make things interesting and even tougher because I get frustrated enough with myself when I can't do something and I kind of know what's going on in my head.

I mean I can't imagine anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't travel more than an hour away, someone who sometimes is okay and manages going places and other days just doesn't. I just don't feel right now that I'm in any way capable of being in a relationship and you know what, that's okay. Being in a relationship is a choice, it is not compulsory.

There feels like there is so much pressure to be in a relationship and I honestly don't know why. I've seen people go from one relationship to another, jumping from one person to the next like they are jumping on the sofa cushions to avoid the hot lava. Is being single really that bad?

This post sprung to mind over the weekend when I decided to go out on my own, oooh the horror of it. "I mean people actually do that? Hang out on their own? Noooo, I'd rather just stay at home." I imagine that's how some people would react, but not me. If I had to wait for someone to hang out with I'd be waiting a very looonnngggg time and would probably rarely leave the house other than the occasional time and for work. Lifes too short not to enjoy it when you can. Plus I've learnt to do more things on my own.

So I took myself out, grabbed myself some lunch and took myself to the lake close by to enjoy the sunshine and nature. Independence is such a small thing we can sometimes take for granted but I don't anymore, I appreciate it so much since I've had it taken from me before.

If you want to be on your own it's absolutely okay. You don't have to be with someone for the sake of it. I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, so someone will walk into your life when you least expect it.

Why should we have to wait for someone to come into our lives and show us our worth? We shouldn't there is one person who is always capable of doing just that...you!

Treat yourself as often as you can, love yourself as much as you can, take care of yourself every single day and most importantly believe in yourself, know your worth.

If you are single honestly it is okay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Love the life you live, whether it be solo or as part of a team (either way is fine).