Smear test & anxiety

Girls, this post is for you. Especially those of you, who like me live with anxiety and have a smear test coming up.

SMEAR TEST! Do the words fill you with fear? At the start of the year they certainly did for me. So many questions, so much unknown. So much anxiety. Anxiety is extremely present in my life especially this past year (it has hit itself up a few notches) so I knew it would be present throughout this experience too. If only there was an on and off switch, that would be lovely but it isn't that simple.

Questions and thoughts running through my mind...'What will it feel like?'...'Will it hurt?'...'How long will it take?'...'What if I physically can't do it?'...'What if I move during it?'...'What if I jump up in the middle of it?'...'What if I close my legs shut during it?'. Like I said anxiety was present as usual. A lot of what ifs going through my mind. But I simply let those thoughts enter my mind, let them just be and they just left. Not very quickly but they left eventually.

I'm writing this post a good couple of months down the line from my smear test itself. I've since had the results and I'm normal...well got to be normal somewhere right?

A few things for you to remember about having your smear test, with anxiety along for the ride...

1. If it takes you more than 1 attempt it is absolutely fine. We aren't robots. We aren't programmed to go in, have it done and come straight back out again. It took me 3 attempts to have a sample taken. Just keep trying, trying is better than avoiding all together and you will get there eventually.

2. If you don't feel comfortable with your nurse then you have the right to swap to another nurse or doctor who you feel more comfortable with. It doesn't matter how many times you swap.

3. Be honest with your nurse/doctor. If you are scared it is ok to say so, they will do whatever they can to make the experience easier for you. Remember they do this over and over again, they are the pros.

4. If you've never had sex before they have a smaller sized speculum that can be used to make it a little more comfortable (not going to lie, none of it is exactly comfortable).

5. If you are worried and scared about it talk to others about your worries or even your nurse/doctor beforehand. There is always someone there to talk to and make it feel less scary.



I knew having a smear test wouldn't be easy for me. I was heading into the unknown but my nurse was amazing! She was really understanding and told me to never see my attempts as failures. So each time I booked in with her and each time I was a little bit more calmer. Third time lucky, some discomfort and pain but we were done. My nurse was that pleased for me she actually high fived me and hugged me on my way out. Find yourself an amazing nurse and you'll be good to go.

Infact surround yourself with the right kind of people in all aspects of life and you'll be amazed at what you can achieve.

Life with Anxiety, amazing things can happen... Myton Hospice Bucket Collection

Well hello there you, it's been a while. Too long. I haven't been in the best of places lately, I haven't wanted to open up my laptop and write despite posts swimming around in my head. I've had very little energy. Let's hope I don't disappear for as long this time because I find writing so therapeutic.

Just a little over a week ago I was feeling all sorts of anxiety. A mixture of emotions, nervous but extremely excited too. Those feelings had been building up over the week as I was doing something I'd never done before, organizing a bucket collection. But you have anxiety, how did you possibly do that? It wasn't easy but it was totally worth it. It wasn't for me, it was for a family in need.

I try my best to go to football every home game to watch Doncaster Rovers (anxiety will get used to it at some point and realize it isn't a scary situation). One of the club's players, Matty Blair has a brother who last week sadly passed away. My thoughts and love goes out to all of his family and friends at this incredibly difficult time. Matty's brother Ross was terminally ill and had been staying in Myton Hospice, Warwick.

Ross's wife Holly decided to create a JustGiving page to give back to the hospice who were providing such wonderful care to both Ross and herself. As I write this now Holly's JustGiving page is at £10,531 which is absolutely incredible! Amazing work Holly. If you can donate and wish to donate please do, you never know when you or a loved one could be in a similar situation. You can find Holly's JustGiving page by clicking here.

I can remember the first time I met Matty at the beginning of this year, I was too scared to approach him which is silly really because he is just a person like you and me. Over the year Matty has played a huge part in my experience with the club. Matty no longer feels like a player of the club who I watch run around the pitch, he feels like a friend. I feel like a friendship has formed. Does that sound weird?...Yeah, it probably does sound a little weird.

After finding out about Holly's JustGiving page I just had to do something for them as a family. Something that would show them our love and support as a club. Something that we could do to help outside of the internet. So the bucket collection was my only thought. A lot of people don't seem to like donating online and some people will just throw in some pennies into a bucket as they go past which is effective as pennies make pounds.

In just over a week the bucket collection was happening.

I approached the hospice first to make sure that it would be something we could do despite the distance and it wasn't a problem. They were more than happy that we were willing to help them.

Next was to contact Doncaster Rovers and they were definitely behind the idea, even inviting me to be part of a video with Matty to let the supporters know all about the situation and bucket collection. Thankfully I could just stand there, say nothing but still be a part of it. If you know me personally you will know it is very rare I have nothing to say but this time I decided to let Matty do all the talking, sorry Matty!

Tweets for helpers, videos and articles (on both our club site and Sheffield Wednesdays site) all out, all that was left to do was stand/walk with buckets and collect some money for a well deserved charity.

In the bucket collection we raised £798.88!

I don't think I can actually say thank you enough to everyone who made this bucket collection possible and everyone who donated. Thank you to those who have donated to Holly's JustGiving page too.


I thought I'd end this post with a few lessons I've learnt from this experience...
1. Life can be taken away too soon, make the most of every day.
2. Tell those around you how much you love them and how much they mean to you.
3. Appreciate the little things because one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things.
4. You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it despite your situation, always believe in yourself.
5. The power and support on social media is incredible.
6. Surround yourself with good people. The world is full of them, you just have to find them.

the anxiety umbrella...same umbrella, different raindrops

Anxiety is one illness made up of different little elements, just like every other illness. No two peoples illness are exactly the same but it still feels like we are all put under one umbrella. Expected to deal with it all in one way and expected for it to work out and make us better. We aren't robots, we aren't programmed and I feel that is an important thing to remind ourselves of daily.

Being part of an online community is a huge part of my life. With that online community comes a lot of support, love, respect, positive vibes and friendship. However along with the online community comes a lot of comparison and self doubt.

I've been off sick for the past couple of months now and they've been tough. Those months have now led to me leaving my job, the job I thought I would be in forever (literally forever, I never planned on leaving until this past couple of months). The job I really did enjoy, the job that gave me purpose, the job that gave me motivation, the job that got me out of bed in a morning but also the same job that was making my physical symptoms go through the roof. The workplace that was making me physically ill. It was just no longer worth it.


I've felt lately that a lot of people have their judgement on my life and current situation but it's important to remember this is my life and nobody understands fully how I feel inside on a daily basis. I can share with people how I feel as much as I want but nobody will ever fully understand. Just like I won't fully understand another persons illness.

An important thing to remember is we are all at different stages of illness, under the same umbrella name but some of us just have a few more raindrops dropping on our umbrellas at the minute compared to others. I'm hoping if you're reading this that by the end you'll have received a little bit of hope and you'll see a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel because we all deserve to get better.


Over the past few months years especially I've been comparing myself to others, what they seem to be able to do with ease (or so it seems) and what I just can't seem to do. Remember, when people share posts online it's usually their main stage not their behind the scenes. Photos are often filtered and posed.


It's heading on 10 years now that I haven't been on holiday, or even a night away (does house sitting count?). I know that at the minute it would just be a waste of my time and money because I just wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. I guess you could say I just don't have my head in the game (did I really just add in a High School Musical reference)? But this varies from day to day.

I hear/see a lot about people who are travelling to places all over the world. But not only are they travelling to these beautiful places but they are doing it with a mental illness in tow. I just want to know their secrets! I often find myself wanting to scream 'how do you do it?' 'tell me how!' 'pleeassseeee, I'm begging you!'. But if I'm being completely honest I don't know what they have to do to get to that point or what they've been through to get to where they are now. The beautiful photos could quite literally be on someones doorstep, within 5 minutes down the road.

If you'd told me 3 years ago I'd eventually be able to work 4 days a week (I'm obviously unfortunately not doing this now but stick with me) I'd of thought you were bonkers, it just wouldn't be possible...would it? It would be possible, some days I drove so far to work and turned back, cried then made it to work a little later...I've no idea why this would happen but atleast I kept on trying.


At the minute the furthest I can travel is about 30 minutes to watch football so any form of holiday is a little out of reach at the minute if I'm being realistic. Plus then I don't travel there like any 'normal' person would, what even is this normal people talk about? I go with my mum and a few friends who we sit with but they've started taking my mum and I drive myself, so I guess I technically don't go with them but you know what I mean. They like to get there early but I just hate waiting around, walking the distance and getting in a state of panic. I haven't always been like this when it comes to football. I used to park in a car park about a 10 minute walk but now it just doesn't seem possible so I park in the car park as close to the stadium as I can get. Some would call this safety behavior, I call this living life a little in a tricky situation. I will eventually get back to being able to park in the further car park but in the meantime I'm going to continue doing what I know makes life a little easier and things a little more doable without being so hard on myself about it.

Some of you with anxiety could be at the extreme end with anxiety and could currently be housebound (I've been there) but trust me when I say this, things will get better. You will eventually be able to do 'normal' things (there is that word again), you just have to take the teeny tiny baby steps. Yes, chances are you'll think they are pointless/stupid/ridiculous (I've been there) but eventually you will accept that if you want to get better it's baby steps or no progress. The baby steps will eventually pay off once you've accepted that you've been struck by an illness that isn't 'just all in your head' even though I guess technically it is inside our heads.

Honestly keep going, do little things and you'll slowly regain your life back. Do this when you feel ready but please, start at some point and never give up. If you try one day and you fail, get back up and try again, whether it be the same day, the next day or the next week please just don't give up.

Take care of yourself.

A single second of 24 hours

It's taken me a few weeks now to sit and actually write this post. I'm still currently off work sick, due to higher levels of anxiety and panic attacks than usual. It's almost been 2 months and during this time I've been trying my best to still maintain a life. I've been going into town on a regular basis, driving to the next town, going out for little walks and one of my favourite things to do...going to the football. If someone could tell my mind and body that it isn't a situation to be feared that would be great because they don't seem to be listening to me. None of the situations are easy, sometimes it takes me a few attempts but trying is the main thing.

To the outside world, people looking in on my world (mainly photos shared on Instagram and Twitter) people will think I've not got a problem, everything is a breeze for me, a walk in the park. Not quite. For example I'm often going to the football but doesn't mean I do it with ease, far from it. 

If and when I finally make it to the football I don't walk in calm, collected, physical symptom free, without a worry running through my mind. I walk in pretty fast, on edge, feeling sick, panicked, I spend the best part of the game eating either mints or ginger biscuits trying to enjoy the game and the atmosphere. If I never went when I felt ill I would never go, so onwards and upwards, I'll push through a little. I go with my mum and our two friends but one of them actually picks my mum up just incase I don't make it to the game, atleast then she doesn't miss out on the match.

This year on Mother's Day we went to the football (because where else would we be on Mother's day?) and this happened after the game...

Life moments that I won't be forgetting in a hurry. Doncaster Rovers is such a wonderful club, everyone makes you feel like part of the family. It's a warm, happy, friendly atmosphere and I love being a part of it.


The point of this post is to prove that a photo literally captures a second, we can all put on a brave face and smile, pretending everything is ok when in reality that isn't always the case. These photos don't capture me in the stadium an hour before shoveling a mixture of ginger biscuits, mints and Bach Rescue Lozenges as if they were going out of fashion. They don't capture me rushing to the car after the game because anxiety feelings were coming in fast. They don't capture me driving around in circles up and down the streets around the stadium calling my mum and telling her 'we need to go NOW'.  They don't capture me not being able to stay in the drive thru at KFC after meeting some of the players and arguing with my dad who called me selfish and told me that it wasn't exactly climbing a mountain. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible.

On the flip side it also doesn't capture how the players and manager are actually feeling either or what they've experienced in the changing room before the game/at half time/after the game, their time on the pitch or walking down the corridor to go home. It doesn't capture their life out of their football careers.

A photo captures a single second of a persons day. Easier said than done but try not to compare your entire day or life to one persons photo.  If someone has had a pretty crappy day they won't exactly be wanting to take photos and share that part of their day with the world, remember that.


'Life is like a camera, focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don't work out, take another shot'.

more bad days than good...

Over the past couple of months or so now I've been struggling, more bad days than good.

I don't think a day goes by when I'm not worrying about my life (lack of it some days) or when I'm not scanning my body for signs of danger, possible serious illness or even a teeny tiny illness, a normal bodily function is triggering a panic attack.

I'm currently off work on sick after experiencing higher levels of anxiety and more panic attacks. The other day I hit a new record for me, 4 panic attacks in a day. I don't remember being this bad for a long time, I'd probably say as far back as the beginning of my diagnosis. I know 4 isn't many for some, a long time ago it wasn't for me but right now it's pretty big.


I write and share my life and experiences online to help others know they aren't alone, to help break the stigma and educate people. To prove that things can and do eventually get better, it might take some time and practice but it will be worth it. One day you can do something, the next you can't but don't beat yourself up over it (easier said than done I know). I'm hoping a few months down the line I'll be feeling a heck of a lot better. I'll possibly report back even though this is only my second post this year, I'm failing at blogging this year.


Mental illnesses are pretty much invisible. You can't see someones physical symptoms, the internal torment someone is experiencing, the daily battles they are having with their own mind. Some people don't understand mental illnesses for lack of knowledge (we'll educate them), others don't understand because they just don't frankly give a shit (we'll remove them from our lives).  

It's important to remember that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to take time out, it's important to listen to your body and rest, recharge your batteries. If something doesn't feel right, chances are it isn't. Look after your body, give it all the love and care that you can possibly give.

If you're experiencing mental difficulties please seek help, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong for reaching out for help. There is always someone there for you.

If you don't know where to turn to, try either of the following two charities.

Mind

Samaritans

I've personally used both and cannot praise them enough. They are there for us, so please if you are feeling low use them.

4 years of blogging!

February 5th 2013, the day I decided to start writing online/in a book then typing it up to share online. The time I decided writing might help my thoughts rushing around in my head, it might quieten them or atleast slow their pace down. It might make me understand the way I was feeling. Little did I know 4 years down the line I'd still be doing it and loving it. I'm not blogging nowhere near as much as when I started but back then I was firmly in anxiety's grasp, I felt I had very little going for me. Things have changed a lot since 2013.

I was spending most of my days trying to figure out what the hell was happening to me. Back and forth to the doctors in search of answers, switching doctors too in hopes of one of them actually helping me. Thankfully I found that one doctor and I really hope he doesn't go anywhere anytime soon. It took a while for him to pinpoint exactly what was wrong and that was made very clear when I had a full blown panic attack in the waiting area that then continued into my appointment with him.


Now I sit here writing this I'm recapping over the past 4 years of blogging, how much I've achieved is amazing for me. I haven't saved any lives or climbed any mountains, well I guess I have climbed a few mountains just not the real life ones. You know the kind of mountains I've climbed, the ones like making it out of my front door.

When the 5th February comes around each year I get a mixture of feelings. The main feeling is a sense of pride, not only for my blog itself (it's had a few makeovers over the years but it's finally starting to feel like home) but pride in how far I've come, how much I've grown. I feel happy to have made it through the bumpy road and finally feel like I'm getting a grip of this mental health/illness business. It took a long time coming I'll tell you that much and I'm still learning things every day.

*HIGH FIVE* to you 21 year old Anna who had no clue what she was doing in life but you are slowly getting there, you've got this girl (well most days anyway)!

Taking part in RED January

I've been a little M.I.A recently on here. The reason for that? I've been living life, life has been busy, Christmas has happened and I haven't found the time to sit down and write. I've got 4 posts as drafts already so I'll hopefully get round to finishing them off at some point. But whilst I'm here let me tell you about RED January.

Today I discovered on Mind's twitter feed that they were launching an event called RED January, want to find out more and maybe even get involved? Click here and it'll take you to the information page. If you just want the basic details I'll fill you in now.

RED January stands for Run Every Day January. It's as simple as that, you can even walk if you don't want to run. The point is to just get moving throughout January to beat those winter/new year blues.

What happens whilst you are moving everyday throughout January? Well you are improving not only your physical but your mental health too but you'll be raising money for Mind. 

For me, this event was a no brainer. I'm always getting outdoors for a little bit of fresh air, to stretch my legs and have a break from whatever I may be doing. I work in an office 9 til 5 so without fresh air every now and then my mood is terrible.

If you want to be an absolute gem and sponsor me I'd really appreciate it! I plan to take photos every day to update my Instagram and JustGiving page. Psssttt, a little birdy just told me if you click on JustGiving page you'll be taken straight to my page. :)

Thank you for taking time to read my post and thank you in advance if you sponsor me. All money raised will go to Mind, the wonderful charity making sure nobody faces any mental health problems alone.

'the big bang' at the keepmoat stadium

A couple of weeks ago now I won tickets to go to a firework display, 'The Big Bang' held at the  Keepmoat Stadium (Doncaster Rover's football ground). Me and my mum had considered going to the event a few times in previous years as we are often at the Keepmoat watching Doncaster but I guess we just never got round to it.

The night was fun filled with the local radio station presenting all night, prizes to be won, food and drinks to be consumed, rides to be enjoyed and fireworks to be admired.

But of course any kind of event with anxiety isn't going to be an easy one. I thought I'd share with you the outside world version of the night and the inside my body/mind version of the night.


Outside world version of the night...
I stood around waiting for the fireworks just like everyone else, I'd occasionally move around from where I was standing. To get there I drove myself and my mum traveled with her friends (well for half of the journey) so I had about half an hour waiting around because I said I'd stand near the local radio station big screen because then surely they'd find me ok? Oh noooo...they didn't. About half an hour of waiting, still looking completely normal, wrapped up warm ready for 'the big bang' firework display, casually checking my phone every now and then. I stood around, chatted to a few people there I knew, some people I didn't know...I'll happily chat with anyone, it can be a great distraction. To them I bet they couldn't tell what was happening inside my mind and the feelings I was experiencing inside my body. To them I probably just looked like any other person there enjoying the event. Taking photos with one of the funniest, nicest guys you'll meet (he is one of the radio presenters who was presenting the night)...talk about little and large!

The inside my body/mind version of the night...
I'd felt so sick for the majority of the day, it was clearly one of those days. I was sat eating my tea getting frustrated with myself because why do I have to feel so sick?! Why can't it just pack its bags and run away into the sunset? It was one of those days that I knew eating wouldn't make this sick feeling go away so why was I even bothering? Feeling sick is my main anxiety physical feeling and it's an absolute pain the bum! It can sometimes feel so strong that I'll eat ginger biscuit after ginger biscuit just to make it disappear, it usually is a pretty quick fix. Mints also help me too, I've learnt from previous experience if I'm actually going to throw up then I can't have any form of food in my mouth, so if I can have a mint in my mouth ok I know I'm not going to throw up. Packet of mints in my car and in my pocket and off we go.

I drove my mum to meet her friends who then drove the rest of the way, they parked in a car park about 10 minutes away to avoid all the traffic but I played it safe like I do for football, I parked in the closest car park. I remember getting out of the car and still feeling really sick and on edge, I walked behind one of the fairground rides to get to the radio station/big screen area and the flashing lights made me feel even worse, I walked as fast as I could to make sure I got away from the lights as fast as I could.

Lights avoided, time to stand around and wait for my mum and her friends. I stood around, looked at my phone, ate some more mints, chatted a little but during all this my insides felt funny. I felt so sick. What if I throw up? What if I shit myself? What if I really need to go to the loo? What if I really need to get home fast? You bet, what if's kicked in!

Despite all the anxiety I made it to the very end of the very beautiful firework display, the Keepmoat you did good!

I'm really hopeful that you've made it to the end of this post because I want to share with you an important message. Just because someone looks ok on the outside doesn't mean they are ok on the inside. It's ok to talk about our feelings.

Photos capture one moment, they don't show you the feelings that the person is experiencing.

Yes, anxiety came along for the ride this night but I did also enjoy myself and the McDonalds afterwards too.

Goodbye Invisalign

It's time to say goodbye to Invisalign on here because the journey is over. Well I'm wearing the Invisalign retainers every night because I certainly do not want to undo all the hard work but that doesn't require an update every so often.

I had my attachments removed almost three weeks ago now and it just feels like yesterday. I slightly miss them but it's such a relief to have them off, to not have to remove my aligners every single time I want to eat or drink.

I'm not going to lie and say that I followed the rules completely because I didn't, every now and then I would drink through a straw instead of removing them. Or I'd have a polo without taking the aligners out (quick call the Invisalign police). I'm now debating whether I should be confessing to that just incase my dentist happens to read this...sorry Ihsan, I'm only human not perfect! :)

Despite not always following the rules I'm beyond impressed and pleased with the results...

In less than a year I've gone from ever so wonky teeth to so much more improved, straighter teeth. I started this treatment with the hopes of just lowering one tooth that was too high but once I'd got the attachments and aligners I soon realized that most of my teeth were wonky. I was just so obsessed with this one tooth.

So I've gone from hating my smile to absolutely loving it! Whenever I'm near a mirror now I end up randomly smiling like some kind of a looney tune (only when I'm alone that is).

Admittedly they aren't what some would class as 'perfect' but what is perfect? Absolutely nothing in life is perfect, everything has it's imperfections and I mean everything. The person you see online (who has the ideal life) will have their own bundle of imperfections/insecurities, I certainly have. Since posting pictures of my new smile I've had nothing but kind, lovely comments but I still pick myself apart. I'm guessing gradually I will become a little bit easier on myself but after years of picking out my little flaws it's going to take some time.

After years of having one tooth that stuck out I was worried that it had become part of me, part of my character, part of my identity and I'd miss it. Boy, was I wrong! I do not miss it at all! Admittedly I keep thinking it sticks out more than the others still but I think that's purely because I've been thinking it for years.


Teeth are weird things to look at on their own so I've decided to change the photo to black and white instead. Black and white effect makes everything look a little nicer right? I've considered whitening them but I'm slightly scared of having them whitened (plus that ruins the enamel on your teeth). I do not want to turn out like Ross Geller!

I mean seriously, look at those results! Invisalign is worth every single penny.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's easy peasy, it isn't. It's hard work, you need to have a lot of determination and be motivated (I wasn't always but I'm only human, not a robot). It's ok to slack a little bit sometimes during the treatment process (I'm sure you dentist wont approve of it) but if you do fall back it's ok, don't be so hard on yourself but make sure you get yourself back into things as soon as you can. My mum admitted to me a few months ago that she is surprised I managed to last the whole process. Well mum I did, I knew I was ready, in the right stage of my life, I knew I wanted straight teeth and that was going to take time and effort.

I'm so glad I stuck it out. There would be days where I just really couldn't be bothered with them anymore but to be honest I can feel like that about a lot of things every now and then so I just went with the flow. I knew my fed up days would soon be over and it would be worth it in the end, it really was.


If you haven't followed my Invisalign journey but would like to read all about it I'll leave the links to each post below.

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY, THE CONSULTATION...'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - THE IMPRESSIONS, PHOTOS AND XRAY'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - IT'S CLINCHECK TIME!'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - SO IT BECOMES REAL...'

'WHAT I'VE LEARNT SO FAR WITH INVISALIGN...'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY - TIME FOR SOME EXTRA ALIGNERS'

'MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY  - THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY...'

'ANXIETY AND INVISALIGN'


I've got to bring this post to an end at some point so I'll end it with a little message for my wonderful dentist, Ihsan at Bawtry Dental Clinic. If you live in the South Yorkshire/Nottinghamshire area and you want a new dentist or are considering Invisalign go visit Ihsan, you won't regret it. I'm struggling to put into words right now (I know, hard to believe?) what I want to say to you that I haven't already said Ihsan so I'll just end this post with a massive thank you, you've been incredible throughout this whole experience! Thank you for being the dentist to believe in me and make this possible. I'll see you in six months! :)

Anxiety lately...

Anxiety, you are weird. Sometimes in a little way, sometimes in a rather large way depending on what kind of day it is? I honestly don't know. Either way you are downright strange. I understand you are there to protect us, to make us aware of danger but sometimes there really is no need for you.

I'm being serious, sometimes you just aren't welcome.

I'm talking about when you are with me during my working day or when you're with me when I'm at home chilling. I'm talking about the other week when I was driving to work, feeling like a failure and I just burst into tears and turned back around. (I did later make it back into work and continued fairly normal). I'm talking about when you feel the need to make me worry about every physical sensation, the digestive system, every normal bodily function isn't a threat. So let's not treat it like one and we will get on just fine.

One minute I think I'm understanding you and the next thing you're making me question if I actually do really know you at all. I thought we was working as a team and were pretty understanding. We were getting along just fine until lately.

You're making me fear things that don't need to be feared, you know going to work isn't exactly scarily dangerous. I work with wonderful people who try their best to understand my mental illness but it's proving a little tricky to explain when I don't even know why you are like it myself some days.

Anxiety, lately you are a mystery.

One day I can manage things fine and then bam, not so fine anymore. A few times recently I've managed to get to work and then bam, something happens/hits me and I'm rushing home as fast as possibly can.

Anxiety, what is your problem?

You're making downtime a struggle, I'm talking about going to football. I've been going for over a year now but every now and then you like to make it difficult, why? I sit there so on edge, so uneasy, running through my mind 'do I really need to go to the loo now?', 'am I going to become ill and not manage to make it home?' 'what if we get stuck in traffic?' 'what if we break down on the way home and it takes someone hours to come and save us?' 'what if I'm ill in that time?' 'what if I throw up here?' 'what if I really need to go to the loo and there is a massive que?' 'what if I become seriously ill here?'.

Anxiety, you really are weird. But you know what, it's ok to feel anxious. It's ok to cry. It's ok to break down. It's ok to not be ok.

Of course, it is also absolutely ok to cry and share your troubles with someone who can't answer you back...

Hope you've all had a good day, if you haven't that's ok. Try again for a better day tomorrow.

Anxiety and Invisalign

I'm surprised that it has taken me this long to finally sit and write this post. I've just been waiting for the right time and I feel like now is a pretty good time. A pretty good time to just write out how I'm feeling. Now being the time when I'm struggling a little with the two. Anxiety is tough, add in Invisalign and you've got yourself a battle.

My main physical symptom with anxiety is nausea, I just feel sick, the urge to throw up but yet I never do. It's so weird, frustrating and frightening too. One of the things that eases my anxiety is eating, little and often but that is seriously hard when you have Invisalign.

Imagine having to brush your teeth after every time you eat or drink anything that isn't water, it's a pain and I'm not going to lie I'm getting lazy when it comes to this, I'm only human after all. I have to keep reminding myself this because otherwise I'll just end up beating myself up more about it. Sometimes I'll go for long periods of time without food because just the thought of having to take my aligners out doesn't seem appealing. I'm trying to keep my aligners in my mouth for as long as humanly possible because I want nice teeth. How will achieve these nice teeth? Invisalign, that is how.

Tomorrow, I have my dentist appointment to remove my attachments and technically end my treatment but I've got a few teeny gaps that I want a little closer. But at the same time I'm dreading having hands in my mouth when I feel anxious. Right now it's an ongoing battle. I knew braces of any kind would take time and I've come this far I'm not going to give up now (well so I keep telling myself anyway).



A little message to anyone who lives with anxiety and is considering Invisalign...
You can do it. Once you believe in yourself then you can put your mind to anything. Since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder I've achieved so much, Invisalign being one of them (well almost fully). You know deep down inside what you can achieve. If you feel you are capable of having Invisalign treatment then go for it. Don't let anxiety hold you back. If you don't feel comfortable with the first dentist then go to another, keep trying different dentists until you are comfortable. You will get there in the end and it will be so worth it.

My Invisalign Journey - 'The good, the bad and the downright ugly...'

Soooo my Invisalign journey is still going on and I thought since I'm coming towards the end I would share with you 'the good, the bad and the downright ugly...' in my own opinion.

Just throwing this out there now, everything written in this post is from my own experience and every single persons experience will be completely different. Don't let me scare you.

Carrying all your cleaning stuff you NEED a funky bag!

Let's start off on the happy side of this journey...


THE GOOD

Improved smile, pretty obvious and no explanation needed.

They are hardly noticeable, unless you point them out to people chances are they won't be able to tell.

Less time spent in the dentist's chair, this for me is probably my favourite (maybe second favourite) thing about Invisalign. Not because I don't like my dentist, he is fantastic but who likes spending time in the dentist's chair?

You're in control. Maybe this is more to do with the anxiety in me, who knows? But being in control is always a good feeling, right? You're in control over your braces, you care for them, you maintain them. It's all up to you.

Eating and drinking whatever you want. You are on to a winner with Invisalign if you don't want to be worrying if you can eat this or drink that. You can eat and drink anything and everything because you just whip your aligners out wherever you are. Be it at work, in a restaurant, in the car, in a shopping centre or even at a football match (yes, I've taken them out in all these locations). At first I was worried about people seeing me and thinking "what on earth is she doing?". But then as it became easier to remove the aligners I felt more comfortable and can remove them anywhere. Admittedly I have got to a point recently where I'm lacking effort to take them out to eat often because it is just such a faff sometimes.

Easy to remove, yes I did just say they are a faff (I mean the whole taking them out, brushing your teeth and putting them back in). I'm still sticking with that but they are pretty easy to remove once you've worked out a technique, it's just the rest of the process that's a pain in the bum!



Now time for the middle ground...

THE BAD

The price. I was in two minds about which category to put this one under, so yes it's in the bad but very low on the bad list but also squeezes its way into the good list too. Each persons treatment will cost different, it all depends on which treatment you require but when you look in the grand scheme of things and what Invisalign involves it's worth every penny! Admittedly yes, it leaves you feeling skint but it's certainly an accessory that won't be going out of style.

The taste of the aligners...plastic, YUCK! It tastes horrid at first but you do eventually get used it.



Ok, let's hit the final part of this list...

THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY

The horrid morning breathe. It's so unpleasant, some mornings it isn't as bad as others though so that's a silver lining in itself.

The amount of saliva that you seem to produce. When you take the aligners out there is only one word that springs to mind...EWWWW! It really isn't pretty but over time I've noticed I'm producing less saliva, whether it's because my mouth is more used to them. Who knows?



I think I've shared everything I have to share about 'the good, the bad and the downright ugly'. If you've had Invisalign or are going through with it now let me know what you'd add to your list.

bumps in the road

Would you believe me if I told you the two photos below were taken less than 24 hours apart? Ok, yes the right was also filtered too but I just want to get a point across. Just because someone posts happy, nice photos it doesn't always reflect their life. I can't quite believe it myself, the difference I felt inside was so bizarre. That's anxiety for you though I guess. 

I've decided to finally write this post, I've wanted to write it for a week now to share with you what happened last week and prove that bad days still happen for me but so do good. It's all part of living with anxiety I guess.

For the past couple of weeks now I've been struggling, more physically than mentally this time. It's been up and down, what feels like blip after blip, bad day after good day kind of time. But that's life right? It doesn't make it any less frustrating though.

I think the main thing playing it's part in this situation is that for over 4 years now (maybe even more actually) I've been drinking Coca Cola (full sugar kind and diet version too) an awful lot, probably more than I would like to admit some days. It just doesn't seem to stop me from feeling thirsty though, I could drink can after can (some days I would). I dread to think the affect it's had on my insides. Plus apparently it has been known to heighten anxiety, I think it's now having the opposite affect on me since I've stopped drinking it. I seemed better off drinking it for the most part. Weird I know. I've been into a health shop in town and the lady told me never to drink it again, I'm taking her word for it because it is clearly no good.

So just under two weeks ago I decided to stop drinking it, it was great when I was drinking it, but afterwards the slump that followed wasn't nice. I'd feel so sluggish and bloated too. What has followed since stopping drinking it is what I'm assuming are side effects, I'm still not 100% sure. Maybe it's something completely different and not related, but that's the only change I've made recently that could be affecting my body physically. Ahhh, or maybe it's mother nature she loves to mess with me.


Anxiety can make you need the loo or feel like you need the loo an awful lot, we call this nervous wees and poos (don't we Lauren?). But recently this toilet business has upped its game. I don't even think it's anxiety related what's happening (I've no idea, it's just so random and sudden but doesn't seem to stick around for long). I think it's more to the point of side effects from the high amounts of caffeine and sugar in my body, that are slowly leaving my body plus my mum keeps repeatedly telling me it's probably stress too. Ahh, stress you joyful emotion you. That and I'm not eating enough, typical mum concern?

Just before the two weeks of giving up drinking fizzy pop. Every time I drank a fizzy drink I'd be on the loo within minutes, it clearly doesn't want to stay in my body any longer than it needs to. TMI? Am I actually writing this post now? Yes, yes I am because it's affecting me, it could be playing a part in my anxiety levels and it could affect you one day too, or maybe it has before. If this has affected you before or is affecting you now please let me know, it's good to know I'm not alone and going loopy.

The fizzy pop having this affect on me has made me a little bit more (who am I kidding? a lot more) aware of my body. I'm starting to become a little frightened of my bodily functions which are completely normal, the bodily functions that is...not the way I'm reacting to them! It frustrates me because I want to know why I can't just act and think like the majority of people around me.

The second I begin to feel a little uneasy and unwell I can feel my heart racing, my breathing getting faster and I start to feel sick. The sick you feel when you're anxious, not the sick when you are actually going to throw up, thankfully I've learnt the difference between these two. This panic seems to last a heck of a lot longer if I'm away from home. Take last Wednesday for example...

I decided to bike to town instead of driving, the weather was pleasant so I thought it would make a nice change...what was to follow was not a nice change. The night before I'd decided to talk to myself and rationalize with my anxiety and the thoughts that were floating around, part of this talk was to not listen to every body sensation I felt, I don't always need to go to the loo. (I'd really put this into place at football on Tuesday night when I went to watch my local team, I didn't go to the loo once whilst I was there. My body and mind link together and tell each other that I need to go a lot, I really don't).

After the previous night being such a huge success in my eyes, I thought I'd be able to manage this the next day too. Boy was I wrong, whilst I was shopping my body definitely felt like it needed to go to the loo, like really needed to go. Luckily my parents have their own shop so I made my way back there as quick as I could. I don't exactly need to explain what happened next but it lead me into a horrible state of panic. I don't remember the last time I've panicked that bad. I had to ring a friend to come and see if he'd pick me up, luckily he did. All I did was cry and cry and cry some more, even in the car. I have absolutely no idea what caused this but it happened. I got home and just cried and panicked some more. Within a few hours it had all passed and I felt normal and human (as human as can be) again. I cried tears of frustration at how well I was doing, how I didn't understand, how fast things can change, how can they possible be so ok one minute and really not the next? I guess that's mental illness for you. I've now learnt even more it's ok to take each day one day at a time. Plus don't be so hard on yourself.

One of the (many) things that my friend said who picked me up was something along the lines of 'Anna, you are doing amazing, I don't like crowds so I avoid concerts. You face this every day'. You know what, he is so right! I'm facing this every day, I need to give myself more credit. Plus he also said it's ok to have bad days. I feel like there is so much pressure to be forever having good days but that's just not reality. I'm bubbly on the outside because that's just me but the inside is sometimes a completely different story.


What happened the next day after the awful panic attacks? I went to work and managed the whole day absolutely fine. I didn't even mention once at work what had happened the previous day and I don't think any of them knew a single thing. The only thing that is different with me at work at the minute is that I'm occasionally sat at my desk really focusing on my breathing.

Every now and then I think to myself why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't my brain just not over analyze everything? Why can't my brain just switch off for a day or two? But then I stop and think, everything that has happened or is happening to me now is making me into a stronger person. Plus, it's a little quirky too.

After all my waffle I'm debating whether this post is even worth sharing but I've made the effort and wrote it to prove that living with anxiety isn't plain sailing and it's ok to hit walls (not literally) but bumps in the road are normal and proof that you are trying. Keep going!

setbacks and improvements

Hmm, how to describe how I've been feeling lately? Meh, anxious, meh, panic, meh, self doubting, meh, disappointing, meh! But along with these feelings have come along a few more... amazement, achievement, hope, pride, bravery. When something is going wrong it's so easy to focus only on the negative side of things but if we search a little deeper there is always positive feelings hiding, dig a little deeper and you'll find them.

Over the past couple of months different elements have played a part in my anxiety levels increasing. Sometimes with anxiety there is no reasons, other times there could be a million and one (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean). These elements have made me doubt myself as a person, am I doing a good job? Made me doubt my own abilities, am I doing it right? Can I actually do this? Made me doubt my worth, is this what I deserve to be treated like? Not only have my thoughts been working overtime, they've made my physical symptoms go sky high too. Sometimes situations and people have an affect on us without us even realizing.

Even though my anxiety has gone up a few notches and I've been struggling to do certain things (football matches and shopping, I'm looking at you)! I've managed to see a lot of improvements in myself too. This week at work I had a panic attack (I've had a few over the last couple of weeks but they've been at home so I've coped a little better. Despite one I had today whilst out picking up a few bits from a shopping outlet). What is your instant reaction when you're having a panic attack? RUNNNN! Run away, escape the danger (imaginary danger most of the time), get home/to a safe place as fast as you possibly can and never return to the place again (or avoid it for aslong as possible). In my early anxiety days I would have done pretty much just that.

Anxiety days now, (I sometimes still run and avoid things but I'm only human, jeeezzz)! However I've accepted what anxiety is and that chances are it's part of me, it will be with me for the long run. I'll share with you now what happened when the panic attack happened at work... I paced a little bit deciding what to do, thoughts going into overdrive, 'I need to get out!', 'I need to leave!', 'I need to go home!'. So I left the building, sat in my car, turned on the aircon, listened to a little bit of One Direction, direct Instagram messaged/texted a few people (acknowledging helps) and calmed myself down. I had considered driving home but I knew it would make going to work the next day even harder. Now I know what is happening I'm able to calm myself down enough to manage them, I even try to understand it (sometimes there is nothing to actually understand). I tell myself what it is that is happening, focus on my breathing, let the feelings and thoughts come and go. Time is the biggest part in this, allow yourself time to relax and calm yourself down. I was actually sat in my car for just under an hour. What happened afterwards though? I made it back into the office and worked until it was home time, yessss! What is such a simple every day thing to some, was a huge victory to me. Leaving the house without wanting to go straight back inside used to be a huge victory, I'm improving without even realizing.

I understand that not everyone is as lucky to have such an incredible, supportive work force. I know how unbelievably lucky I am, I don't take it for granted. My advice to you is be honest about your health, some people just wont get it or even try to get it. But some people will try their hardest and see you for the person underneath the illness.

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...swimming around my head

Over the past couple of days my mind has been having some kind of never ending merry-go-round going on in there. I'm struggling to see the future in a positive light at the minute. But you know what, that is part of life. Sometimes life will be down and there will be no reason behind it. You know what you've got to do though...

Image found on Pinterest

I'm taking each day as it comes and reminding myself that each day is a new start, filled with wonderful little things that will put a smile on my face.

My main way of expressing myself is through writing. Hey, I'm not saying I'm good at it but it helps ease my thoughts and calms them down a little since I'm acknowledging them. Ignoring them doesn't seem to help matters, it just gets me more and more annoyed. So it's time to express myself.

At the minute my various thoughts that are swimming around in my head are...

"Am I a shitty person?". This is the one that is bothering me the most. Friends seem to come and go, randomly one minute we are fine and the next we aren't. That's life though, I guess. I'm hoping it's nothing to do with me as a person, I guess sometimes friendships just don't work out.

"Will I ever be able to go on holiday again?". I see people sharing their holiday photos and I just find myself thinking 'no, no, I can't do that...how do they do it?'. But then I remind myself at one point I struggled to leave the house, looking back over how far I've come gives me faith that one day I will be able to go on holiday again. A little break beside the sea would be lovely.

"Will I forever be alone?". That sounds really dramatic but hey, the thoughts are working overtime. I've not had a boyfriend for about 7 years now. I don't want to go on any kind of dating app, I just feel like people have so much choices for finding love, or finding a quick shag. What happens if I meet someone, they get bored and end up searching for someone else? Let's be honest, finding someone else in this world we live in right now wouldn't be hard. Internet connection and you're good to go.

"I'm quite happy being on my own, is that a bad thing?" Seeing people in relationships or looking for love makes me question myself. I'm quite happy with just being by myself. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me weird? Weird that I'm not settling down, with a house and a kid? I'm not exactly raving it up getting drunk on the weekends, sleeping with anything with a pulse. I'm just being me, doing what I enjoy and looking after myself.

*exhales*... Just writing all that out has lifted a weight of my chest. Now it's time to go and watch some Netflix...Scream and Pretty Little Liars, I'm coming for you!

Living with anxiety, incredible things can still happen...

Thursday 14th July 2016, just another day? Well kind of anyway.

On Thursday I pushed myself a little in the hopes of being able to meet Olly Murs...

I've never been the kind of person to try and meet celebrities. In my opinion they are just like you and me, with a little (ok a lot) more money and less privacy. I'm still not the kind of person to stalk celebrities or turn up at events for the chance to meet them. Infact if anything, I'd go to an event and be too scared to approach them and ask for a photo. 

As soon as I found out though that Olly was doing a radio tour and would be at a station just over half an hour away I just had to go. I mean come on, it would of just been rude not to. Within minutes of finding out I asked my boss if I could leave work early that day and thankfully she said yes. Hooraaayyy for the nice people in the world! 

The location of the radio station was in the exact same city where a few years ago I was meant to be attending my first ever blogger's meet up (it was a no go for me, it ended with me crying in my car in a side street). Oh, how things change and improve.

After being able to attend this radio tour, I got a big urge to write about it in hopes it will give someone hope. I mean we could all do with some hope, hope that things will get better. They will, trust me! These things just take time, there is no quick fix. Trust me, I'd been hoping for a quick fix for a long time. Eventually all the little steps and hard work pays off.

Maybe I should explain a little about a radio tour. This is my first ever one so I don't know, maybe each one varies? But here is my run down of what happened. We arrived at the location a little before Olly was meant to arrive, we arrived about half an hour before. Other people however had been there since lunch, his expected time was four. Once Olly had arrived he said a quick hello and told us he would catch us afterwards. About an hour and a half later, Olly reappeared (I'm sure times all vary for how long they are in the radio station for). Before Olly was due to come out to see us, his bouncer (I'm guessing, I don't know who he actually was) came out and told us to have our phones in our hands ready on selfie mode, give Olly the phone cos he's good at selfies, one photo per person and then step back. It was very well organised and it went very smoothly, I'm sure all radio tours don't go that well but for my first time I was very impressed. It would of been nice to have been able to have a little chat with Olly cos he is only human after all but there just wasn't time for that or time to have anything signed. 

Right then, maybe now I should explain a little about the process of attending this event, the anxiety I felt and how I managed to stay til I'd seen Olly. 

Waking up, I felt siiicccckkkk! Hello anxiety at a very early time in the morning, thank you for showing your presence, I know you're there. Instead of getting annoyed with my uneasy feeling I just accepted it for what it was and went about my day. Had breakfast, got washed, ready and went to work.

1pm, I finished work early so I could go and hopefully meet Olly. I'd seen on Twitter that some people had waited hours and not been able to meet him so I wasn't 100% sure if I'd get to meet him or not. I'd also seen comments about his security being really rude and mean. I was also starting to worry because I wasn't sure how many people would be there, what they would be like, what the whole situation would be like.  Moving forward anyway in hopes that I would get to see him and be completely fine too, me and my mum got ready and headed over to Lincs FM. Before travelling my body decided it absolutely needed to wee about a million times (ok, more like ten but it feels like a lot more). I've started calling this nervous weeing, apparently it is quite common with anxiety.

3.30pm (ish). We arrived at Lincs FM! Lincoln is filled with one way streets, you know making the journey soooo much easier (I'm kidding). I did a trial run the day before cos I knew I'd find it easier if I'd been before. Car parked up, out of the car... I wanted to get straight back in the bloomin car and go home. But instead I thought 'no, Anna you've got this! You can do this'. Self belief and a little bit of encouragement from yourself makes things so much easier. So I sat on a wall outside the station, filled my face with a mixture of Bach Rescue Remedy Lozenges (I highly recommend these)!, spearmint polos and ginger biscuits. Plus a bottle of water to wash the taste of the three away. Admittedly they aren't a great mix altogether so I ditched the polos and lozenges. Eating ginger biscuits helps me with feeling sick and unease, they help ease my nausea and my stomach. Some therapists class this as 'safety behaviour' but I would much rather eat a few biscuits, drink some water and be able to meet Olly Murs than not and be stuck at home. 

4pm (ish), Olly shimmies on into the studio! At this point anxiety levels had dropped and we managed to move over to the other fans waiting too.

5.30pm (ish) Olly reappeared. He took a photo with each and every single person stood waiting (well what I saw anyway, we left after our turn). 

6pm (ish) on our way home, getting lost on the way after taking a wrong turn. Really hungry, ready for home but one very happy girl.

I've learnt that you've got to push yourself if you want to achieve things and live life. But I've also learnt that sometimes it just isn't possible and that is absolutely fine. Me and my mum go to watch football and a few times now I've arrived and had to leave pretty much straight away and I remind myself that's ok. Sometimes I go and I'm fine within 20 minutes but before that I just can't settle and relax. Life with anxiety is weird but also wonderful too. 

My Invisalign Journey - Time for some extra aligners

So far my journey with Invisalign has flown by, up until my last set of aligners. My attachments were set to come off on 7th June and that should of been the end of my treatment. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, I noticed a small gap inbetween two of my front teeth that hadn't closed over time. Yes, it was only a small gap but I've paid a lot of money to improve my smile so I'm going to get it sorted. So let's start the extended part of this experience.

What can you expect if you need extra trays you ask...you can expect some more impressions. By impressions I mean the rather large gum shield frying pan in your mouth stuffed with play-dough (it isn't really play-dough) producing the mould. It honestly isn't all that bad, it is obviously very uncomfortable and can make you panic/struggle to breathe but just relax (I know, easier said than done), it'll be over before you know it. Unless you end up needing about six attempts to get it right, I have no idea how it took so long this time around when my teeth are a hell of a lot straighter than before. Anyways, it's soon over and done with and then you'll be one step closer to your improved smile.

Once the impressions have been sent away, you'll receive some more aligners to amend any issues that you have with your teeth. Honestly if something is bugging you after your attachments and final aligner comes out don't be afraid to say something. I was a little unsure about mentioning the gap straight away even though for me it stuck out like a sore thumb. I knew I wanted to get it closed but there was no pressure to make a decision there and then, even though in my head I'd already made up my mind. I wanted extra trays, cos I just can't get enough (I'm kidding by the way)! I left it a couple of hours before calling up my dentist to say that I'd noticed a gap and I wanted it to be closed. Two days later I was back in the dentists chair with the lovely gum shield frying pan in my mouth. Impressions sent away, then the waiting began...two weeks felt like a month of waiting.

24th June, time to get some more aligners and new attachments. It still amazes me how they do the attachments because they are all different shapes and sizes. I'm pretty sure the dentist moulds them in to shape on your teeth, it's weird (see the photo for yourself). 

I have no idea why but this time round it hasn't been plain sailing, after the multiple impressions situation surely nothing else could go wrong? Of course it could, I got home later that night after getting my new sets of aligners and attachments fitted. I took my braces out ready to have my tea. Not one but two of my attachments pinged off my tooth and of course I had to take a few photos to share with you. Back again on Monday to have new ones attached.

One piece of advice I want to share with you, no matter how long the journey takes try your best not to get lazy. Over the past month I've gotten really lazy, I haven't been brushing my teeth after every meal, I've just been rinsing my mouth and putting the aligners back in. Don't do it, it makes plaque build up and your gums bleed. My dentist told me to up my game when it came to brushing because I had a build up of plaque, I obviously didn't admit to becoming lazy but it's not a problem because I'm going to get back on track and all will be good again.

Are you currently receiving Invisalign treatment? I love seeing peoples photos of their changing smiles, share yours with me? :) 

what anxiety is like for me, a few years down the line...

Anxiety has been a noticeable part of my life for about 8 years now, there is no wonder it feels like it's never going to leave. I wanted to write about it again because it has improved but it is still there, lurking, ready to pounce.

Just over two years ago I wrote a post 'what anxiety is like for me...' and I now want to do an updated version to prove that things do get better. Admittedly I'm finding it very hard to believe anxiety will ever leave me but I'm managing it a lot better now and there is no quick fix. When you can't see something it's very hard to believe it's true but trust me, anxiety is very real and can be extremely exhausting, frightening, isolating, life controlling, frustrating, the list can go on. Don't ever let anyone tell you anxiety isn't real.


Anxiety for me used to be an awful lot of feeling sick, day in, day out. I'd wake up feeling sick, I'd go to bed feeling a little less sick. I'd feel sick if I ate, I'd feel sick if I didn't. The feeling just wouldn't go away, there must be something seriously wrong, surely? Test after test, no signs of anything physical. I could never quite pinpoint the moment when I started to feel like this for a few days in a row, it just all of a sudden became so normal that I never thought it would leave. But it did, I've now learnt that I actually only tend to start to feel sick when I'm hungry so I know once I've eaten something the levels of anxiety will ease. Just writing this post, I'm finding it hard to believe that I no longer feel that way. How do I feel now though? I still fear being ill, I fear becoming ill away from home. Any kind of illness that can make me be out of control I guess, that's what it all balls down to. Not being in control, panic attacks can make you feel incredibly out of control and vulnerable but trust me, you will gain control again. Just stay in the moment and stick with it, be friends not enemies.

I used to struggle to be out the house for even an hour at some points, I just couldn't do it. I'd get to one place and have to come home within 5 minutes of being there, it was just horrible. Some people have the opinion of 'just do it, just get over it'. Honestly it isn't always as simple as that. It is very frustrating. When you are in the hands of anxiety it is very isolating and very hard to master the things that were once easy day to day things. I'll tell you something though, once you've had the ability to do easy peasy, every day things taken away from you you seriously appreciate it so much more when you become able again. I'll never take simple, little, day to day life things for granted again.


So, what is anxiety like for me today?  It's a lot better, it is still there whether it's the worrying thoughts in my head that I've got some serious illness or disease (a slight headache doesn't mean you have a brain tumour Anna). Or whether it's the negative little voice in my head saying I'll never be able to share my life with someone. Or if it's the little voice doubting me. The little voice is there quite a lot. Anxiety is still there. Just because someone seems okay on the outside, the inside might be screaming a completely different story but that's okay. If you are feeling anxious, that's okay. If you are feeling panicky, that's okay. Whatever you are feeling know it is okay. Things will get easier, take each day one day at a time.

being alone, it's okay.

Everyone around me... their in loving relationships, moving in, being part of a team. I'm currently not doing any of that, it makes me sad but in the same breathe I'm okay with it because my time will come.

Some day a guy will walk into my life and make me wonder how I ever lived without him, I'm sure. In the meantime I remind myself that the people around me might not of been fighting a mental illness and I tell you what, it isn't an easy fight but I will win this war.

Since becoming ill almost eight years ago I've not been in a relationship. Relationships can sometimes be tough but I imagine throwing a little bit of anxiety and panic into the mix would make things interesting and even tougher because I get frustrated enough with myself when I can't do something and I kind of know what's going on in my head.

I mean I can't imagine anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't travel more than an hour away, someone who sometimes is okay and manages going places and other days just doesn't. I just don't feel right now that I'm in any way capable of being in a relationship and you know what, that's okay. Being in a relationship is a choice, it is not compulsory.

There feels like there is so much pressure to be in a relationship and I honestly don't know why. I've seen people go from one relationship to another, jumping from one person to the next like they are jumping on the sofa cushions to avoid the hot lava. Is being single really that bad?

This post sprung to mind over the weekend when I decided to go out on my own, oooh the horror of it. "I mean people actually do that? Hang out on their own? Noooo, I'd rather just stay at home." I imagine that's how some people would react, but not me. If I had to wait for someone to hang out with I'd be waiting a very looonnngggg time and would probably rarely leave the house other than the occasional time and for work. Lifes too short not to enjoy it when you can. Plus I've learnt to do more things on my own.

So I took myself out, grabbed myself some lunch and took myself to the lake close by to enjoy the sunshine and nature. Independence is such a small thing we can sometimes take for granted but I don't anymore, I appreciate it so much since I've had it taken from me before.

If you want to be on your own it's absolutely okay. You don't have to be with someone for the sake of it. I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, so someone will walk into your life when you least expect it.

Why should we have to wait for someone to come into our lives and show us our worth? We shouldn't there is one person who is always capable of doing just that...you!

Treat yourself as often as you can, love yourself as much as you can, take care of yourself every single day and most importantly believe in yourself, know your worth.

If you are single honestly it is okay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Love the life you live, whether it be solo or as part of a team (either way is fine).

If in doubt, blog it out?

When something is bothering me a little I do what I know works best for me, turn to my blog, write it all out. Them negative, pretty pointless swimming fish, that don't help anyone. Atleast typing it out I don't have to explain my slightly craziness to anyone? Nobody needs to run for the hills, I promise.

I'm managing things so much better these days, and by 'things' I mean day to day stuff. Things that I do every single day, day in and day out, my routine. I can function like a normal human in my comfort zone. What happens when something comes up that isn't in my normal routine, something a little out of the blue, out of my comfort zone? Obviously I run the scenario around in my head a million billion times, of course...I mean what else would a completely normal person do?

The main thought spinning around in my head right now is, 'am I going to be out of my comfort zone too much?'

Maybe I should elaborate a little bit more. This weekend I'm going with an old school friend and a few of her friends to watch her boyfriend in a charity football match, great! I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's at the same stadium that me and my mum often go to every weekend (when it's football season of course).

Obviously though I'm left with doubts in my mind. Funnily enough I chat away like there is no tomorrow yet I'm not overly great around people. Some people who know me will probably find that hard to believe. I do a lot of things by myself because it's easier that way, if I panic I'm not letting anyone down. So what happens if I panic when I am with these new people? People who aren't all familiar to me? Will they think I'm really weird? Will they notice that I'm acting a little odd? Will they judge if I suddenly want to go home? Oh god, this is what anxiety does to you. But atleast I'm getting it all out, I might even end up sending this link to my friend to pre warn her what she is letting herself in for. Adele, god help you!

Anxiety makes me realize I can't seem to do things 'normally' anymore. Whatever is normal anyway? Normal must be boring, surely?