being alone, it's okay.

Everyone around me... their in loving relationships, moving in, being part of a team. I'm currently not doing any of that, it makes me sad but in the same breathe I'm okay with it because my time will come.

Some day a guy will walk into my life and make me wonder how I ever lived without him, I'm sure. In the meantime I remind myself that the people around me might not of been fighting a mental illness and I tell you what, it isn't an easy fight but I will win this war.

Since becoming ill almost eight years ago I've not been in a relationship. Relationships can sometimes be tough but I imagine throwing a little bit of anxiety and panic into the mix would make things interesting and even tougher because I get frustrated enough with myself when I can't do something and I kind of know what's going on in my head.

I mean I can't imagine anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't travel more than an hour away, someone who sometimes is okay and manages going places and other days just doesn't. I just don't feel right now that I'm in any way capable of being in a relationship and you know what, that's okay. Being in a relationship is a choice, it is not compulsory.

There feels like there is so much pressure to be in a relationship and I honestly don't know why. I've seen people go from one relationship to another, jumping from one person to the next like they are jumping on the sofa cushions to avoid the hot lava. Is being single really that bad?

This post sprung to mind over the weekend when I decided to go out on my own, oooh the horror of it. "I mean people actually do that? Hang out on their own? Noooo, I'd rather just stay at home." I imagine that's how some people would react, but not me. If I had to wait for someone to hang out with I'd be waiting a very looonnngggg time and would probably rarely leave the house other than the occasional time and for work. Lifes too short not to enjoy it when you can. Plus I've learnt to do more things on my own.

So I took myself out, grabbed myself some lunch and took myself to the lake close by to enjoy the sunshine and nature. Independence is such a small thing we can sometimes take for granted but I don't anymore, I appreciate it so much since I've had it taken from me before.

If you want to be on your own it's absolutely okay. You don't have to be with someone for the sake of it. I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, so someone will walk into your life when you least expect it.

Why should we have to wait for someone to come into our lives and show us our worth? We shouldn't there is one person who is always capable of doing just!

Treat yourself as often as you can, love yourself as much as you can, take care of yourself every single day and most importantly believe in yourself, know your worth.

If you are single honestly it is okay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Love the life you live, whether it be solo or as part of a team (either way is fine).

If in doubt, blog it out?

When something is bothering me a little I do what I know works best for me, turn to my blog, write it all out. Them negative, pretty pointless swimming fish, that don't help anyone. Atleast typing it out I don't have to explain my slightly craziness to anyone? Nobody needs to run for the hills, I promise.

I'm managing things so much better these days, and by 'things' I mean day to day stuff. Things that I do every single day, day in and day out, my routine. I can function like a normal human in my comfort zone. What happens when something comes up that isn't in my normal routine, something a little out of the blue, out of my comfort zone? Obviously I run the scenario around in my head a million billion times, of course...I mean what else would a completely normal person do?

The main thought spinning around in my head right now is, 'am I going to be out of my comfort zone too much?'

Maybe I should elaborate a little bit more. This weekend I'm going with an old school friend and a few of her friends to watch her boyfriend in a charity football match, great! I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's at the same stadium that me and my mum often go to every weekend (when it's football season of course).

Obviously though I'm left with doubts in my mind. Funnily enough I chat away like there is no tomorrow yet I'm not overly great around people. Some people who know me will probably find that hard to believe. I do a lot of things by myself because it's easier that way, if I panic I'm not letting anyone down. So what happens if I panic when I am with these new people? People who aren't all familiar to me? Will they think I'm really weird? Will they notice that I'm acting a little odd? Will they judge if I suddenly want to go home? Oh god, this is what anxiety does to you. But atleast I'm getting it all out, I might even end up sending this link to my friend to pre warn her what she is letting herself in for. Adele, god help you!

Anxiety makes me realize I can't seem to do things 'normally' anymore. Whatever is normal anyway? Normal must be boring, surely?

My FIRST workiversary!

5th May 2016 marks my one year anniversary in work (proper permanent work) workiversary! Just over a year ago I wrote a post about a little (or large depending on how you look at it) life new job and a new found love for a certain nail varnish (cos that's certainly an update worthy post)!

After leaving a job that was making me miserable and taking my sparkle away I was left back at the start of the game, hunting for something else. Thankfully I was approached (by my parent's accountant) for a job filled with all things admin and well a year down the line, the rest is history.*

If you had told me three years ago I would be working Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nine til five I would think you were totally bonkers! You'd be lying, surely? How could I possibly manage to stay in work for the whole day when I struggled to stay out of the house for long periods of time some days? How could I manage to concentrate? How could I manage to cope with the pressure of work? Well, maybe I can share with you how I got to where I am in work today and hopefully give some of you hope. Trust me, things do get better.

Luckily for me I started off working three hours each day so it wasn't too much but it was enough to ease me in to it. Fast forward six months down the line I'm working pretty much every day. I don't work Wednesdays because it was getting too much for me. But that's life? Life gets too much. When something is affecting your health it really is worth trying a new way to manage it, my way was to take a step back, gain a little bit of control again. Thankfully my boss was absolutely fine with it and very understanding. So four days out of seven isn't bad going if you ask me, especially since I didn't think I'd ever be able to work.

This post has been in the making for about a week now, I'm pretty sure I've said what I want to say now but here is a little message to you though... take your time in whatever you do. Don't try to run before you can walk. Whatever achievement you've made, celebrate it. Treat yourself, look after yourself and keep on loving yourself! Things will get easier, take it from someone who didn't think that was possible.

See you here again next year for my second workiversary!

*I've just had to delete One Direction lyrics out of here because that would not be cool, or would it? Plus it would of possibly filled an entire paragraph.