anxiety does not define me...anymore!

I'm not going to lie and say it never completely defined me, for a few years it did. I used to really avoid things because I'd feel anxious. I'd let the feeling control me. I'd feel anxious most days, feeling normal was no longer a feeling for me. The new 'normal' was feeling sick and having panic attacks on a regular basis, that normal wasn't a feeling I wanted to stick around. Thankfully over the years that feeling has gradually disappeared. I don't remember an exact day when I began to feel anxious so much and I also don't remember when I started to feel less anxious.

I spent a good few years feeling completely defined by anxiety, like there was nothing else to me. Like I had nothing about me, feeling sick and panic attacks were taking over. I wanted so much to have a 'normal' life, normal is so different for everyone. I wanted to be able to leave the house without that sick feeling or the panic lurking ready to pounce. I wanted so badly to do things that others took for granted.

Things didn't get easier for me by choice, the feelings didn't just disappear by sitting around and hoping they'd go away. Things got easier because I pushed myself, little things at a time. I'd gone from being pretty independent to an extremely nervous, anxious person. I rebuilt myself and my life.

Overtime I eventually realized that there is so much more to me than my illness. Anxiety is going to be a part of me for all my life I'm guessing. It'll come and go, thankfully now it stays away for a lot more than it stays. Anxiety, let's stay that way please.

I began blogging as an escape, from my own thoughts but all I could seem to write about was my health, my troubles, my worries, whatever was going around in my head really. It was my place to express myself, a place I could write away without judgement. I'm glad I started blogging and I recommend it to anyone. Talking about our problems makes them seem so much more manageable. Plus getting it out of your head gives it less control over you. Now even I can see a difference by looking at my blog posts. I can see there is more to me than my health and I can safely say hand on heart, anxiety does not completely define me anymore!

Scream, the tv series!

It feels like forever since I've sat down and wrote, just blogged away so I'm back today. To share with you, my new found love for a TV series. Forget about Pretty Little Liars, Scream is completely blowing Pretty Little Liars out of the my opinion anyway!

I'm still a fan of Pretty Little Liars, yes even after a slightly disappointing ending to the 'A' discovery. The excitement before the episodes soon started to drop, I stopped getting excited about them. I was going to cancel my Netflix membership since it had been left for a good few months without being used but I've since made a new discovery on there... SCREAM.

Let me tell you what I know about's not an awful lot but I'll share it with you anyway. Scream is a TV series based on the movie Scream (I've never watched it, maybe I should do since I've been really enjoying the TV series). Netflix claims it to be a Netflix Original Series, but it was first aired over on MTV in America so I don't know anything about that but I do know is it is fantastic!

Four reasons why I've really enjoyed Scream so far...

1. It's a brilliant, fast paced TV series, every single episode left me wanting more. Thank you Netflix for not making me wait weeks for a new episode!

2. After 10 episodes (that's the whole first series on Netflix), you discover who the killer is...not after 100 of episodes, hours of wasted time. Even after the discovery you are still left questioning more behind the killers story and other characters involvement.

3. It's perfect rainy day, winter weather entertainment. Yes, get into your comfies, grab your duvet, blanket, snacks, drinks and watch the hell out of this series! The time I've spent watching this hasn't felt like wasted time at all.

4. Serious eye candy...eye candy that didn't get murdered. Hallelujah!

Not my photo, I found it on Google...seriously crushing over him right now!

If reason 4 doesn't make you want to get watching Scream, I really don't know what will! :P

Have you watched Scream? the movie or TV series? What do you think?

one year, twelve goals...October update

2015 is almost over, scary thought that another year has almost flown by.

I've finally found time to sit and blog, hoorayyyy!

Today/tonight, I'm going to look back over the past few months and see how much progress (or little progress) I've made with the goals I set at the beginning of the year for myself. *ppppssssssttt* if you click beginning of the year for myself it'll send you to the original post, as if by magic.

On with the post, goals and progress so far...

1. Meet atleast 3 online friends.
Jamie, Dave & Pep...3 friends met, goal complete! Read all about it if you like,!

2. Attend one or more concerts.
Goal is complete, I've attended 2 (Olly Murs and The Vamps) oh, and a half. It would of been 3 and a half by the end of the year but I'm not going to see One Direction now, they just aren't the same as a four piece.

3. Save more money than I spend.
I'm getting there on this one, I'm questioning when I buy stuff a lot more now so that's progress, right?

4. Take a weekend break.
No, none booked either. I really want to go visit Jamie, Dave & Pep but London?! Oh, it scares me! Would it be very anxiety friendly? We'll day.

5. Read one book every month.
I'd read 7 on my last update and since then I've read 3 more. I'm on track, 10 books read and we're currently in the tenth month of the year. I've read Beautiful Ever After by Katie Piper (read all about her books and what I think in the post I wrote here), Paper Towns by John Green (started off good but ended up being a little bit of a flump for me) and the most recent book I've read is Eeny Meeny by M.J. Arlidge (I finished this at about half 5 this morning when I woke up and couldn't sleep, I'll be blogging about this one without a doubt)!

6. Tackle the stigma surrounding mental health more.
Ongoing goal, speaking about it is certainly one of the ways I'm currently tackling it. Tomorrow at work I'm actually planning on having a chat with my boss about my mental health cos I'm struggling a little at the minute, honesty is the best policy right?

7. Drink more water.
Yeah, I'm doing this. More water, less fizzy pop.

8. Spread my blogging wings more.
I think my blogging wings are coming close to forgetting how to move. I'll try to change that though. I've got a few posts in my head for the next few weeks, it's just finding time to sit and waffle...I mean write, sit down and write them.

9. Keep my diary up to date.
What diary?..enough said.

10. Cook more meals.
No, not at all. Slightly failing.

11. Enquire more about braces.
The thought is still in my mind, it has been for a good couple of years now. I've found a private dentist that do invisalign so I'm thinking about booking an appointment for a chat. Have you seen invisalign? Seriously those things are amazing, if I did go down the invisalign route I'd without a doubt blog my way through it.

12. Move...more.
Ongoing goal. I've started doing blogilates, it's so much fun. Admittedly it makes you ache the next day or two but it's totally worth it.

small things that make a big difference to my mental health...

10th October 2015, officially world mental health day? In my opinion every day should be a day to raise awareness for mental health, we all have it. Some peoples are just a little different compared to others.

I'd seen the #smallthings on time to change and decided to jump on board, by sharing small things that make a big difference to my mental health, my life.

1. Skype, for the times when you can't spend time with people face to face, without a screen being between the two of you. Admittedly Skype is great but the one and only thing I have to slate about it is the connection. But once we've got over the connection issues it's great.

One person I'm forever Skyping or facetiming with is Jamie. Jamie has had such a huge impact on my life, she's honest, down to earth, bloody hilarious and genuine. Even though we don't know when we'll be seeing each other next, in real life that is...via screen it'll either be tonight or tomorrow at some point. But I love the fact that we both still make the effort to speak to each other.

Skype is the next best thing to being face to face in the same room together. Skype makes me feel like I can live my life which is miles away from Jamie but still allow Jamie to be a part of it. Even though I slated your connection skills Skype you are a life line for when I need to chat to my friends who aren't a quick car journey up the road.

2. Getting some fresh air, going for a walk. I've recently started working 3 full days at work and I make the effort to go for a walk on my dinner even if it is a quick 10/15 minute walk, those minutes outside in fresh air are priceless. When I'm not at work, or if I'm on a half day I'll go out for an hour long walk and take my camera with me to see what I can snap (another 20 photos of Pudding the dog? yeah pretty much, or the occasional tree/squirrel).

3.Talking and listening. I talk quite a lot, so it's no surprise that I don't keep my troubles to myself. If something is bothering me I will let someone know and that's good cos it isn't healthy keeping things bottled up. In the same breathe though yes talk to people but also listen. We all have troubles and problems. A quote I really like is 'a problem shared is a problem halved'. I couldn't agree more.

When I say talking makes a difference for me I'm sure it could make a difference for you too, it doesn't even have to be out loud. It could be via text, email, tweet, direct messages where ever...just communicate and don't suffer in silence.

Thanks to my new friend who I met on a social media course at the beginning of September, Greg. Thanks Greg for replying pretty quick on request to make me look cool and like I have friends for this photo for my post. :)

4. Reading a book. I'm not the fastest when it comes to reading books but it doesn't stop me from enjoying them. I love escaping my own thoughts and shutting them up with a good book. As far back as I can remember at night time I used to watch TV and couldn't sleep unless the TV was on but now I'm the opposite. Sometimes the TV being on when I'm in bed trying to get some sleep drives me potty. Now I like to read before bed, depending on how tired I am though I sometimes only manage a few wonder it takes me so long to read a book. I'd highly recommend the book I'm reading right now to you all. I've got two more of his books lined up to read next.

5. Watching something entertaining. I'm a sucker for watching a few TV programmes on MTV...ex on the beach, awkward, faking it, teen mom, are you the one? All of these don't involve having to concentrate too much, they are just purely entertaining. I've also recently discovered two new films that I really enjoy and are such easy watching. I did the whole rent the films online, like them so much, buy them on DVD. I highly recommend to you, 'man up' & 'two night stand'. If you haven't seen either of these then you my friend are missing out, watch them!

When I was younger I had a little obsession with watching toy story like every single night, I'd fall asleep within the first half an hour but that was beyond the point. I have a feeling these two films are going to be watched a lot in the upcoming weeks cos they are just so brilliant.

6. Accepting. I've learnt that accepting I have anxiety makes it so much easier to live with and manage. I've accepted the fact of it's always going to be a part of me and you know what, that's ok. It might resurface every now and then but that's ok too, I've got this. I can deal with it, one day at a time.

Those are my small things that make a big difference to my mental health, what small things make a difference to yours? Share them with me. :)

sharing my love for 'THE DUFF'

THE DUFF, a film that has recently been released on DVD and is an absolute must see in my eyes. Admittedly I absolutely hate buying a film on DVD at about £11, ridiculous! Once you've bought the DVD within a few weeks it tends to drop by almost half the price or it'll just disappear completely off the shelves, anyone else get annoyed by this? Plus how often would you watch a film more than once? THE DUFF is one of the films I'll be watching more than once (already watched it twice) and I'd quite happily watch it again tonight to be honest.

I've found a new way to watch films too. Instead of paying the high prices of the DVD I decided to give Amazon Instant Video a go. Basically you just pay for movies online, you can either buy or rent. If you rent you get it for a month (I think, don't hold me to it), but once you start watching it you've got to watch it within 48 hours. So to buy in the shop this film would of been £11, to rent it cost £3.49. In my eyes it is a no brainer for new films. After watching this film though and realizing I need it in my life I ended up paying £7 for the DVD, believe me it's worth it...

I'm not going to explain to you what the film is about, I'll just throw in the trailer instead.

THE DUFF is one of those films that you can sit, watch and actually enjoy without feeling like you've wasted an hour and a half of your life...yeah, we've all felt like that at some point whilst watching a film.

THE DUFF isn't one of those films, trust me.

THE DUFF is an absolute easy going, entertaining, lighthearted, funny film that everyone can probably relate to. THE DUFF ends happily, the whole film has a positive spin. I ended up jotting down some of the positive, true, relatable quotes from the film to share...

'we all have insecurities', we sure as hell do! Each and every single one of us.

'how about tonight you just worry about what you think about you', easier said than done but we really shouldn't worry about what others think of us. In all honesty in their mind they are probably worrying about what others think of them.

'there's always going to be someone prettier, more talented or richer than you. It shouldn't affect how you see yourself', too, no it shouldn't.

'just don't tear me down for not giving a shit about your labels because in the end they're meaningless', absolutely! At the end of the day what do the labels actually mean? Nothing, we are all still pretty damn awesome!

The very last words spoken in the film are...
'in the end it's not about popularity or even getting the guy. It's about understanding that no matter what label is thrown your way, only you can define yourself. Take it from a duff'.

THE DUFF, a real break through film to make us all realize that no matter what labels are thrown at us, only we can define ourselves.

As if the film hadn't already won me over already it topped it off by playing The Vamps, somebody to you...I'm a sucker for them guys!

If you haven't watched it, watch it, watch it again, tell your friends, tell me what you think about it.