anxiety, a love/hate relationship?

I keep sitting down to write this post and then something else comes up but today I've decided to sit down and not move until I've said what I've got to say. My feelings towards anxiety, my anxiety is a serious mixture of love and hate. I love it in many ways but I hate it with a passion in others too.

Originally I was going to create two posts covering the love and the hate but I've opted for just one post. Since I can't actually decide which way round I'm going to talk about them, I'll start of with the negatives and end on the positives. Bad stuff first then hopefully the good stuff will make us forget about the badness.

Anxiety, I hate you for stealing my late teens/early twenties. The time I should of probably been discovering myself and not been robbed by you, in a little way though I do still feel like I've found myself so that isn't totally bad I guess. I hate how you are always in the back of my mind and can creep in at any minute, any second, I really wish you wouldn't. I hate how you make people tell me it is all in my head, as if I'm not already aware. I hate how you make people say stuff like 'oh but you don't look ill', 'there is nothing wrong with you'. Believe you me, my mind and body inside beg to differ. I hate how you've made me more sensitive to situations. I hate how you've made me more cautious when it comes to doing different things. I hate how people can't understand you unless they experience you first hand.

Anxiety, I love you. I wouldn't say it is a full on love, love. I'd be quite happy if you left my life, that would be lovely so I don't want you getting the wrong impression and thinking you're welcome around here. You really aren't, I'm just putting up with you to make things a little easier. Anxiety I love how you've made me open my eyes to the world and be more understanding to others. I love how you've brought me together with so many incredible people. I love how you've made me a stronger person than I was before. I love how you've made me learn how to live in the moment, day by day. I love how you've made me start to realize the true meaning of life. I love how you are behaving even more now, you are well and truly on your best behaviour...keep it up!

Anxiety can be a royal pain the bum but you know what, it has shaped me into the person I am today and I wouldn't change any of it (ok, tell a lie...maybe I'd change a few little bits here and there). My journey has got me where I am today and I know there is even more to come in this journey. A journey I enjoy documenting.