Sophie's Story

Here is Sophie’s story about her mental health..Be sure to give her blog a read & a follow! Much love to you Soph & well done on being so brave! ♥
Depression was something I never wanted to experience. I had heard of people getting so bad they tried to end their lives. I was 15 when I first started to feel more different than usual. I lost interest in activities I used to enjoy, I wouldn’t go out any more, and I was having thoughts to kill myself.
In this time I never told anyone, maybe it was normal? I was supporting a friend at the time, she self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts, and I was the only one she had confided in.
With GCSE’s and coursework having to be completed, I found myself less able to concentrate; I’d get distracted easily and get punished for this. I remember unscrewing the sharpener blade, unknown that it would become an addiction.
It helped me cope and I was able to concentrate better, the depression was still battling on, and I was feeling lower and lower each day, but I had to pretend I was fine, just so no one asked questions. I became overly emotional at school, crying over the smallest things, getting frustrated because I made a mistake, and punishing myself at every opportunity I got.
As months went by, I seemed to be planning my first suicide attempt, this happened in November 2011 – I failed. Cracking on as if nothing happened, I continued faking the smiles, laughs and mood. I never have face-to-face support, I had an online counsellor though, although she was amazing, and lovely I was never able to tell her a few things. She knew that I attempted suicide, and that my eating patterns where weird. Even that I was going through abuse at home. But she never knew how many times I did try to attempt; I guess I didn’t want her thinking I was completely nuts.
Depression made me someone who I didn’t want to be. I lost friends and family members because of it. I lost a cousin I used to talk to because she thought I was pathetic. I tried to educate my family about mental health, and they never understood and never will. I’ve come to accept that will my mental health, they don’t need to know. They don’t need to know I struggle, or that I’ve been diagnosed with a couple of things. I still fake smile. I still pretend everything’s fine.
Having gone through experiences of depression, it’s like I’m a person that cares more about everyone else, and how they’re feeling. I focus on helping others with mental health issues, allowing them to see there’s hope, allowing them someone who will listen without judging them.
I don’t think depression will ever leave me, I think it will always be there, but as long as I keep talking to my CPN I think coping will be much easier.  It takes a strong person to fall, and then pick themselves up, although I may not see myself as others do, I know that even if I fail, I’ll keep on going to make others proud.
I’ve been told how inspiring my blog is, how it’s honest and helpful. In all honesty I never thought anyone would see it as that. I’m not ashamed to share my experiences any more. If it helps someone to speak out and get help before its too late, then that will be something that keeps me going.

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